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 Dave Cullen's hypocrisy

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LPorter101

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Wed Jun 04, 2014 1:01 am

You know, it's funny ... I once corresponded with an author who was deeply passionate about a book he had written. I did want to read his book, but things kept coming up and I wasn't able to buy it and read it as quickly as he would have preferred. He kept bugging me about it, and I kept stringing him along - not on purpose, really, but because I had a lot on my plate and his book wasn't a priority.

Finally, he said, essentially, "You know what? Fuck you. I went into debt writing that book, and you don't even have the decency to buy it to help me out."

(We later reconciled, to an extent.)

I can't say I blame him for being angry, but I thought it was funny that, as time went along, he went from talking about his high-minded reasons for writing the book ("I want to reach people at a deep level") to saying, "Fuck you. I need the money."

Maybe I'm being too hard on ol' Davey Boy here ... after all, he has to eat, doesn't he? But I still think it's funny how he feels the need to do all of this posturing and feather-fluffing to disguise the fact that he's just another hustler in a cruel, uncaring world, peddling his product. And does he ever peddle!

I'm always flattered when people tell me I should write a book, but, honestly, I wouldn't want to write a book unless a) I honestly felt that I had something truly meaningful to say and/or b) I believed I could make some serious money by selling my ideas to the reading public.

If I had to choose between a) and b), I'd choose b) in a heartbeat. I prefer having money to not having it. But I would like to think that I wouldn't try to come up with a laundry list of justifications and rationalizations to convince people of the purity of my motives.

I'd say, more or less, "I've written a book about such-and-such a topic. If you find the topic interesting, then go ahead and buy my book. I hope you find the book interesting, entertaining, and/or informative. If you do, I'm glad. If you don't, too bad."

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:11 am

And I doubt I could find an editor who would want to publish me after I used the word "funny" three times in one piece...

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:19 am

I also used "honestly" twice in the same sentence. See, I don't proofread.

It's fun to string words together in the hopes of making a semi-coherent statement; it's tedious to go back over them and check for careless mistakes.

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 12:57 am

I also heard that his book is being read in high schools. Why is that exactly? What exactly are kids learning from his book?
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:46 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
I also heard that his book is being read in high schools. Why is that exactly? What exactly are kids learning from his book?

From the book they are learning that Eric got a lot of girls. Dylan was innocent and forced into doing it and they are also learning that Cullen is able to tell us exactly what Dylan and Eric were thinking. Isn't that amazing?

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:50 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
I also heard that his book is being read in high schools. Why is that exactly? What exactly are kids learning from his book?

From the book they are learning that Eric got a lot of girls. Dylan was innocent and forced into doing it and they are also learning that Cullen is able to tell us exactly what Dylan and Eric were thinking. Isn't that amazing?

 Laughing 

LOL
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:29 pm

If they ever do make Cullenbine: The Movie, I'll be the first in line to see it.

And then, during the scene where the smooth, suave Eric boinks Brenda Parker, I'll stand up in the middle of the crowded theater and scream at the top of my lungs:

"This isn't what happened! Have you all got amnesia? They just cheated us! This isn't fair!

"HE DIDN'T GET INTO HER COCK-A-DOODIE CUNT!"

And then they'll take me away. Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:36 pm

Being on these forums has saved me a ton of time.  Cullen's story is fan fiction at best.  I cannot stand assessments made by writers, even with Sudden Terror (EARONS) it was really hard to swallow how much was written for the sake of selling books.  I'd rather read a boring book that is 100% factual than try to swallow 80% bs for the sake of invoking media attention.

Garbage at best is what this is, same as Brooks book (which I honestly did enjoy) What is the point of having "the real story" when all it is is pure and incessant speculation?  If you are not qualified to assess the psychological aspect of people, why not just quote someone who is?  Honestly.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:52 pm

Maybe I should write a story where Daniel Köllen, a famous non-fiction author, wrecks his car during a nasty blizzard in the Colorado wilderness.

He is rescued by Caitlin Kuku, an Eric fangirl. She drags him to her house and nurses him back to health.

But when Caitlin realizes that Daniel has written an account of the massacre that profanes the memory of her beloved Eric, she goes batshit crazy and finds ingenious ways to punish him.

CAITLIN
You ... you dirty bird! How could you?

DANIEL
Uh ... is there a problem?

CAITLIN
Eric Harris cannot be a psychopath! He's my hero!

DANIEL
Caitlin, every novel needs a hero and a villain. And that's what my book is - a non-fiction novel. Eric is the villain - he's a bad-ass pussy-pounding psychopathic ladies' man. But Dylan is far more sympathetic. He can be the hero.

CAITLIN
I DON'T WANT DYLAN TO BE THE HERO! I WANT ERIC! AND YOU SLANDERED HIM!

DANIEL
No ... I didn't.

CAITLIN
WHO DID?

DANIEL
No one! I ... I developed my thesis in consultation with an FBI agent named Wayne Dussier. It's a collaborative effort!

CAITLIN
COLLABORATIVE EFFORT! COLLABORATIVE EFFORT? IT'S NOT A COLLABORATIVE EFFORT! YOU WROTE THE BOOK! YOU WROTE IT! YOU WROTE IT! YOU WROTE IT! YOU SLANDERED MY ERIC!

DANIEL
Caitlin...

CAITLIN
I thought you were good, Daniel. But you're not good. You're just another lying old birty dirdie.

DANIEL
Birty dirdie?

CAITLIN
Dirty birdie! I misspoke!

DANIEL
It's okay. I misspeak all the time.

CAITLIN
I don't think I'd better be around you for a while. And don't even think about anybody coming in you.

DANIEL
Uh ... don't you mean, "coming *for* me?"

CAITLIN
No, I don't.

DANIEL
I see.

CAITLIN
Nobody knows you're here. And you better hope nothing happens to me. Because if I die ... you die.

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:54 pm

haha creepy crazy. She had planned on sleeping with him before he misspoke.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:19 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
haha creepy crazy.  She had planned on sleeping with him before he misspoke.

This conversation took place earlier that day:

DANIEL
Uh, Caitlin...

CAITLIN
Yes, my darling?

DANIEL
I don't mean to pry ... I mean, I know I'm a guest in your home, so I know I should...

CAITLIN
Daniel, you can ask me anything.

DANIEL
Caitlin, are you a womon-born-womon?

An awkward pause.

CAITLIN
No.

Another awkward pause.

CAITLIN
Why do you ask?

DANIEL
Well, for one thing, you're at least 6'5" and very well-built. Also, sometimes, when you bend over to clean the floor, I can see...

CAITLIN
...that I don't wear underwear?

DANIEL
Yes. I can see your low-hanging balls.

Another awkward pause.

DANIEL
You have big balls.

CAITLIN
Yes. I'm big all over. The girls used to call me "Big-Dick Charlie." I was the captain of the football team. Me and the guys had cheerleader foursomes every single weekend. It was great. But, through it all, I always dreamed of raping scrawny nerds.

DANIEL
Interesting.

Another awkward pause.

DANIEL
You know, you're like a light-brown-haired, green-eyed female version of Joe Manganiello - the hunk from True Blood. Have you seen Magic Mike?

CAITLIN
Yes. But that was a prosthetic.

DANIEL
Yeah. And Mark Wahlberg...

CAITLIN
Yeah, Boogie Nights. Another fake big schlong. Mine's real.

Another awkward pause.

DANIEL
Are you pre-op?

CAITLIN
No. God made me a woman, but He wants me to keep my lady penis. He told me so.

DANIEL
Ah.

Another awkward pause.

CAITLIN
Well, I'd better do the laundry.

DANIEL
Yeah.

CAITLIN
Talk to you later.

DANIEL
Later.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:23 pm

I wish i hadn't read that.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:23 pm

I wish i hadn't read that.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:00 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
I wish i hadn't read that.

Misery is a *horror* story, remember. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:24 pm

Yeah, that Kathy Bates chick is crazy.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:50 pm

After recovering from her temper tantrum, Caitlin forces Daniel to burn his latest unpublished manuscript - a searing, moving examination of the discrimination faced by some of America's brave military heroes.

Then she forces Daniel to write a new novel - a romance, featuring a love triangle between two teenaged lovers - Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold - and Charlie Kuku, a 6'5", 250-pound football player. Charlie is the most popular boy in his school, wanted by the females and respected by the males for his firm muscles and ample manhood, but he is miserable. God made him a woman with an Adam's apple and a lady penis, but gave him a fundie father who believes that men are men, women and women, and fags are fags.

Charlie lusts after Eric. He is furious that Eric prefers Dylan, "that rangy, stinky little emo bitch." So he hatches a plan to massacre a bunch of students at his high school, then pin the crime on Dylan. He will make it look as if Dylan intends to kill Eric, and will "rescue" Eric by shooting Dylan in the head. Charlie expects that Eric will be so grateful that he will agree to become Charlie's husband. Eric and the rechristened Caitlin will spend the rest of their lives together, locked in hot, steamy, lady-penis love.

DANIEL
That's an ... interesting proposal, Caitlin.

CAITLIN
It'll be a best-seller!

DANIEL
Well, I'm not entirely certain the book would be commercially viable. Then again, my book portrayed Dylan as a rangy, stinky little emo bitch, and it sold thousands of copies. So maybe you've got a point.

CAITLIN
So start writing!

DANIEL
Yes, but there is one problem: I have no incentive to write this novel for you. You're a crazy psycho bitch.

CAITLIN
Would you like me to rape you? Do you want to know how it feels?

DANIEL
Caitlin, do you know how many guys...

CAITLIN
Okay, so you're not afraid of the lady penis. Then maybe I'll grab a knife and make you into a lady - without a penis!

DANIEL
Get my laptop. I'll start writing right away.

CAITLIN
Oh, your laptop ... I forgot to mention this, but I smashed it with a baseball bat. I wanted to make sure that you didn't have a digital copy of your manuscript.

DANIEL
Uh, Caitlin, you know that I e-mailed it...

CAITLIN
Don't say it! I'll get the knife!

DANIEL
Yes, my only copy was on the laptop. Do you have another computer in the house?

CAITLIN
No, but I have a really old typewriter.

DANIEL
A typewriter? What year is this?

CAITLIN
Write my novel on the cock-a-doodie typewriter or your cock will end up being flushed down the toilet with my doodie!

DANIEL
You're the boss.


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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:55 pm

This has got to be one of the funniest threads. "You lying dirty bird". Ha ha! I loved "Misery", BTW.

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:57 pm

does this not sound like a semi-plot used version of misery?
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:59 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
does this not sound like a semi-plot used version of misery?

It is.

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:00 pm

Then i'd like to un-read what I just witnessed, please.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:02 pm

Cullen's book seems rather controversial. I think I heard some survivors and victim's families didn't like it. But they don't seem to do much about though.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:20 pm

I am starting to think that Cullen might be a Columbiner.

LPorter you made my afternoon

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:34 pm

Under duress, Daniel writes the book. The tedium of writing the manuscript is interrupted by Caitlin's periodic outbursts - she bashes his balls with her baseball bat; she smashes his ankles with a sledgehammer; she assaults his throat with her mammoth lady penis. But, after a long winter's journey into spring, Daniel finally finishes the book.

The book is written exactly as Caitlin wants it - except for the ending.

Daniel tricks Caitlin into planning an impromptu party to celebrate the end of the writing process. She wheels him into the living room, where she has prepared a sumptuous feast of shrimp cocktail and Cool Ranch(R) Doritos(R).

As Daniel munches on Doritos, Caitlin reads the last chapter. She is thrilled to realize that Charlie is able to kill Dylan and persuade Eric to marry him. Eric is extremely supportive of Caitlin as he transitions from a man into a womon-not-born-womon.

But then, on the last page...

CAITLIN
Oh, Eric, this is just wonderful! I'm a woman and you're a man. We can fuck like minks for the rest of our lives. My lady penis is ready for lovin'.

ERIC
Not exactly.

Eric retrieves a gun from his duffel bag. He points it at his h ... wife.

ERIC
I knew the whole time, Caitlin. I knew the whole fucking time!

CAITLIN
Eric! What are you doing?

ERIC
You killed him! You killed my Dylan! He was the love of my life! I used to sit on his face and rub my nads in his armpits! And you murdered him, you tranny freak!

CAITLIN
Eric! Don't do this! I love you!

ERIC
You don't know the meaning of the word love!

Eric shoves the gun into Caitlin's rectum and fires. The resulting explosion shatters Caitlin's ball sack and splits her massive lady penis like a floppy log.

CAITLIN
No! My lady penis! You've wrecked it!

Eric fires a shot into Caitlin's head. Then he says, "Dyl, I'm comin'!" and shoots himself in the head.

THE END

CAITLIN
You ... you lying cocksucker! How could you?"

Daniel whacks Caitlin in the head with her ceramic Doritos bowl. Then he smashes her skull with one of her numerous football trophies.

But she still isn't down for the count. She lunges at Daniel and knocks him out of his wheelchair.

CAITLIN
I'm gonna rape you, you lyin' fuck! I'm gonna pound you till my lady penis is sticking out your front! And then I'm gonna blow your fuckin' brains out!

In a triumph of the will, Daniel manages to stretch his arm to grab a large plaster cast of Caitlin's lady penis. He shoves it into her mouth.

DANIEL
Eat it! Eat it, you sick, twisted fuck! Choke on it and die!

Daniel pushes the muscular Caitlin off of him and tries to crawl away. She staggers to her feet.

CAITLIN
You're dead! You hear me - you are fuckin' dead!

She grabs her gun from a nearby bookshelf, but stumbles over Daniel and hits her head on the coffee table. She is now unconscious.

Daniel, in extreme pain, manages to grab the gun. He waits ... and waits ... and waits ... and then Caitlin springs back to life. He fires three bullets into her forehead. She slumps to the ground, quite dead.

Then he calls the police. The cops arrive and interview Daniel. They call an ambulance. He is taken to a local hospital, where he spends months in recovery. After he is discharged, he fights a lengthy battle with his insurance company. Ultimately he is forced to pay tens of thousands of dollars.

But he can afford it - his novel about Eric, Dylan, and Charlie tops the NYT best-sellers list. Money, fame, and prestige are his.

Then he releases his book about the soldiers, and it flops. Then he writes a crappy romance novel - Eric and Dylan: Origins - that sells fairly well. He spends the rest of his career writing commercially-successful, critically-reviled crap. He loses his self-respect, but eventually comes to realize that money is the only thing that counts in life.

THE END


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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 8:41 pm

lmao please, no more.
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 9:00 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
I am starting to think that Cullen might be a Columbiner.

LPorter you made my afternoon

I'm glad. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sat Jun 07, 2014 10:03 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:

Then he releases his book about the soldiers, and it flops. Then he writes a crappy romance novel - Eric and Dylan: Origins - that sells fairly well. He spends the rest of his career writing commercially-successful, critically-reviled crap. He loses his self-respect, but eventually comes to realize that money is the only thing that counts in life.
 

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing 

This is brilliant. I want to read more things from LPorter!!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sun Jun 08, 2014 10:19 pm

Ah ... I wish I could think of something devastatingly witty to say about Cullen and/or his book, but I'm drawing a blank.

Here, let's check out his Twitter feed. You never know - we might find a diamond among the turds:
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Quote :
Didn’t realize #TonyAwards were at Radio City. I happened to be biking home from yoga and nearly went by it at the opening, but turned. Doh!

Hmm ... so Dave is a yoga practitioner, and a bicyclist? I'll add that to the file.

NOTE: No, I am not so obsessed with Dave Cullen that I maintain an exhaustive list of his hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes, and personality quirks.

Or am I? Twisted Evil

I read once that he lives in Hell's Kitchen. I'm not sure where that is in relation to Radio City Music Call, and I'm too lazy to look it up.

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#Tonys: can someone explain the bouncing bit? Sure is boring. Inane.

I'm not watching the Tony Awards, so I don't know what the "bouncing bit" is. And I don't care.

Retweet:
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Yes, but can those nasty little germs travel as fast as your tweets? I can feel my brain cells dying as I read them.

Retweet:
Quote :
Amazing how many people talk about NYC like it's just fancy neighborhoods and desperately poor ones. Have they ever been to Queens?

I've never been to Queens, but I know people who grew up there. There are a lot of New Yorkers in Miami.

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Box Office: Tom Cruise's EDGE OF TOMORROW Opens With Mediocre $29M Weekend [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]  via @forbes by @ScottMendelson

That's the flick with Tom Cruise and ... some British chick. The trailers made it look like just another crappy CGI explosion-fest. Of course, most Hollywood movies these days are crappy CGI explosion-fests.

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Was going to head out early tonight: by 11. Apparently, did not happen

Apparently? So you're too hung over to remember?

Last night, around 1:15, I craved pizza. There used to be a pizza place that was open until two in the morning on Friday and Saturday nights, but apparently it closed down some time ago.

Quote :
Saturday night. Which bar? Not telling. But hint: getting on a Citi Bike

If someone can figure out the station where he got the bike:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

...we can figure out which bar he visited. Then we can start stalking him, I guess.

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If you’re pre-ordering #TheLastMagazine, thank u, and please consider doing it on B&N here, and boycotting @Amazon: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Ah, yes ... Amazon is involved in some kind of dispute with Cullen's publisher. Good. I hope the feud drags on for months, if not years.

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Divine was supposed to play the titular character in Serial Mom, but s/he/it died before filming began.

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What happens when someone decides that "same-sex" is offensive? What then? Where does all of this end?

Interestingly enough, I was reading not too long ago that there's a movement to ban the word homosexual.

What is it with people who want to ban words? Haven't they read Orwell?

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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sun Jun 08, 2014 10:30 pm

Quote :
Another shooter in Seattle. Ugh. So much for #NotOneMore. (FYI, I might do a phone-in to @ErinBurnett on CNN after the press conference.)

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!

DAVE CULLEN MIGHT CALL ERIN BURNETT AND SHE MIGHT PUT HIM ON THE AIR AND I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HEAR HIS VOICE ON CNN!!!!

IHOPEHECALLSIHOPEHECALLSIHOPEHECALLSIHOPEHECALLSIHOPEHECALLS


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PS. CNN cut back to the replay of AC360 after the press conference, so I won’t be on tonight. And I’d really like to never do this again.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I WANTED TO HEAR YOU ON CNN DAVE I WANTED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE BUT THEY HAD TO PUT ANDERSON FUCKING COOPER ON THE AIR I HATE ANDERSON COOPER HE IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!!

I WANT TO HEAR DAVE CULLEN! AND NO ONE ELSE! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME CNN IF YOU DON'T PUT DAVE CULLEN ON THE AIR I AM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE MY MIND I AM GOING TO GO CRAZY!!!!!


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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sun Jun 08, 2014 10:32 pm

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Easy psychopathy screening: Show Bambi to schoolchildren. Note all though NOT sniffling for further evaluation. @zombyboy

Yeah, that Walt Disney was such a fucking manipulative asshole. Anyone who doesn't respond to his bag of cheap cinematic tricks is a psychopath.


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PostSubject: Re: Dave Cullen's hypocrisy   Sun Jun 08, 2014 10:33 pm

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I kinda-recently sobbed through most of Perks of Being A Wallflower. Hit close to home. @zombyboy @PublishersWkly @vulture

Hmm ... I haven't seen that movie. I don't know what it's about. But it's good to know that you're not emotionally repressed.

You like to brag about your crying, don't you?

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