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 What do you do when it becomes too much

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baraboo



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PostSubject: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:20 pm

Hi, I am a newbie here. The first time I learned about Columbine was 6 years ago, and that time I didn't dig into it very much. This year,in early February, I happened to watch Sue Klebold's speech on TED,and,since then, I'm in constant process of learning more about the massacre and people related to it( Eric,Dylan,their families,victims,survivors,school staff,etc).I think about it almost all the time, and sometimes it just becomes too hard for me.The thought of 15 lost lives(14 of them were cut way too short)sometimes causes almost physical pain to me. I have a strong desire to get back to the past(which is impossible for me,since I was born few months after the shootings)and to do something to prevent the massacre from happening.I also have thoughts like:"Eighteen years ago today, they (Eric and Dylan) were still alive and if some miracle had happened they would have been alive today,as well as their victims."
Sometimes it becomes just unbearable to me but I can't stop thinking about it. So, I'm curious does anybody here have similar problems and what do you do when you feel that it becomes too much for you to carry?
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sororityalpha

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:30 pm

Well, try not to concentrate so much on what could have been done.

It is far too late to change anything from 1999. We can't change the past, no matter what.

There have been other tragedies throughout time that were much worse than what happened at Columbine.

If it becomes too much for you, maybe take some time off from focusing so much on it.

Hope that helps you [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:44 pm

You really shouldn't take this so personally. Even the people affected in the tragedy have somehow moved on with their lives. Of course things will never be the same for them, they will always carry it with them, especially the victims and the shooters parents, but you just have to keep moving and let some of it go as sue klebold herself has said.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 4:54 pm

Pretty much everything you said about yourself is exactly how I felt in late 2011 and throughout most of 2012. I don't know what it is or why but Columbine has this way of sucking you in like that. You become obsessed and think about it constantly every day. Don't worry, it's not just you. There are so many people who have gone through the same thing.

I still think about Columbine at least a couple of times a day and it seems like there never runs out of things to read or talk about when it comes to Columbine.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 6:18 pm

Like Jenn said, this is a topic that sucks you on it has done the same to me. I started getting knee deep into this topic close to 2 years ago and I think about it daily. I joined this forum to discuss Columbine with like minded people. I wouldn't worry if I were you [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] nearly everyone on this forum, I'm sure, has gone through the initial stage of total obsession, it dies down just never really goes away. Well for me it doesn't anyway, I spend at least a couple of hours a day researching Columbine, I guess when I run out of things to research it may not be as bad. Take care and remember you're obsession is completely normal here.
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W.A.R.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 6:37 pm

I don't get emotionally involved but i am very meticulous and want to know all the details. i spend quite some time researching and going over stuff in my mind about it.

the hardest part for me is not being able discuss it with others. it would be a pretty weird topic to just bring up out of nowhere. glad i found this forum.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Sun Mar 12, 2017 6:54 pm

@W.A.R, I get where you're coming from with that. The reason I joined this forum is because I was discussing this nonstop with my friends and they were a tad concerned. They are fine with it now though lol.
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baraboo



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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 10:58 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
@W.A.R, I get where you're coming from with that. The reason I joined this forum is because I was discussing this nonstop with my friends and they were a tad concerned. They are fine with it now though lol.
Same thing
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baraboo



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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:27 am

Well,guys,thank you very much! I've read thoughtfully all your messages,and it was really helpful,especially the fact that I'm not alone in being occupied with thoughts of this event. I've been thinking about this whole situation and your responses(including the Pennydreadful's precise note of necessity to let some of it go and moving on), and I've come to the conclusion that any interest in something has its own meaning, I mean, it's like, by doing that or reading this,we are supposed to learn something about ourselves or/and other people. If so, I was wrong when I tried to force myself to stop researching Columbine,because some important things about it were yet to be learned by me. I've changed a lot since I started to watch Sue's interviews and read boys' diaries, because the thought of the fact that we don't really know anything about what's going on in other people's mind is just really overwhelming. And the complexity of human personality is terribly fascinating. So, I decided to continue my research(and start to learn more about things like psychology,sociology,etc) and look for a ways to apply learned lessons to make a world a little happier and safer place
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:32 am

Anytime, [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]. I'm glad you feel better about it Smile
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:49 am

For me the interest seems to come in waves. When Sue's book came out I was obsessed again and was for many months. Now things have cooled again. I don't think about it all too much but with the release of the full class photo, things are ramping back up again

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:12 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
For me the interest seems to come in waves. When Sue's book came out I was obsessed again and was for many months. Now things have cooled again. I don't think about it all too much but with the release of the full class photo, things are ramping back up again

I agree with you.

Who knows what the next big release is ~

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Mon Mar 13, 2017 6:02 pm

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welcome to the world of "Columbine". I've felt the exact emotions, it's frustrating to see the loss of lives, mismanagement by authorities before, during and after etc..

Columbine can capture you like no other tragedy and yes, it can become to overwhelming/depressing and frustrating. I just came off a long break myself.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Tue Mar 14, 2017 1:09 am

I've felt that way on and off for a very long time.
This is a multi-layered tragedy.The tragedy of the past and the present and the future with the life that could be being lived now by 15 people who aren't here and who all missed out on a lot.
Plus their is the grief of the families,moving on with life but who can never really get away from this.I'm sure they all think of their loved ones every day and its impossible to not remember how they died.
The only advise I can give you is to try to take breaks, get your mind engrossed on something else and try to memorialize E &D and the victims in a positive way.
They are loved and missed by many, won't be forgotten, have touched many people deeply in many ways.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Tue Mar 14, 2017 3:18 am

I understand all too well what your feeling. My obsession started when i googled columbine because i couldnt remember what year it happened. All i wanted to know was the date and i got so much more... Reading the details were heart wrenching and terrifying. I would read through the 11k and cry. I somehow felt the fear of the kids under the desks. I felt the terror and the horror and uspeakable grief. I couldnt even hate eric and dylan. And sues book? It about did me in. My emotions were literally all over the place. It was exhausting. This forum really helped me to work through the emotions. In this rabbit hole you will find supportive people who really know their stuff. Paintitblack's comment above hit the nail on the head (as always). For me the obsession has thankfully eased up. After pouring over every bit of evidence thats available i came to a place where theres nothing else to see. I still have no answers but i accept that there isnt going to be one. Im not as active here as i was but i still check in here and not a day goes by that i dont think of it. Researching this tragedy has changed me forever.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:28 am

This is my first comment on this site. I've been lurking for a while, but I just had to comment on this one. This post sounds a lot like me. I was 6 years old when the massacre happened so I don't have much memories of it in real time (as I'd imagine you wouldn't either, seeing as you said you weren't born yet, lol).

I started getting into Columbine when I was 16 (10 years after it happened). I was scrolling through crime scene photos (I was a weird kid), and none of them had descriptions. I happened upon the infamous suicide photo, and without looking at it too closely (I didn't even see the guns) I remember thinking about how much the kids in the photo looked like me or my friends and I began bawling. Which says a lot, because I'm not frequently affected emotionally by crime scene photos. Once I found out what the pictures actually depicted, I was hooked. I spent months obsessed with how these two seemingly normal kids went so far off course.
Back then, most of my research was focused on Eric and Dylan. I read the journals, I watched the videos and I read about what people had to say about them. I think at that point, I only knew the names of like 3 or 4 of the victims because my main concern was the shooters.

I'm 24 now, and just like you, I happened upon Sue's Ted talk recently, and have since dived pretty far down the rabbit hole again. But this time, I'm completely focused on the victims and the events that happened. Like...I've memorized the timeline and diagrams of the events. This time, it's much more real for me. I have 2 kids of my own now, so I'm looking at everything from a different perspective and it's a lot to take in.

I do notice that I relate everyday things to Columbine often and have to stop myself from sharing those comparisons with people. Some days it gets to be too much and I need to take a break. I've​ struggled a lot with feelings of personal responsibility, like you described. Mostly when I was 16. I used to fantasize about going back in time, befriending them, and saving them (yup, I was one of those kids).

All the what ifs get to be too much sometimes, but it's important to remember, that this is not your life, and it's not your problem. It can be fun to learn about and theorize about, and it's important to recognize the signs to potentially prevent more things like this in the future. But there's nothing you personally could have done at the time, and there's nothing anyone can do now. It's healthy to disconnect from this often, especially if you're struggling with it. It has nothing to do with us and wallowing in letting it affect you personally can be dangerous.

Holy crap. I wrote a book. Sorry about that.

TLDR: I've been there. Remove yourself from it for a while and try to extinguish that sense of personal responsibility.
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baraboo



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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:27 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] wrote:
This is my first comment on this site. I've been lurking for a while, but I just had to comment on this one. This post sounds a lot like me. I was 6 years old when the massacre happened so I don't have much memories of it in real time (as I'd imagine you wouldn't either, seeing as you said you weren't born yet, lol).

I started getting into Columbine when I was 16 (10 years after it happened). I was scrolling through crime scene photos (I was a weird kid), and none of them had descriptions. I happened upon the infamous suicide photo, and without looking at it too closely (I didn't even see the guns) I remember thinking about how much the kids in the photo looked like me or my friends and I began bawling. Which says a lot, because I'm not frequently affected emotionally by crime scene photos. Once I found out what the pictures actually depicted, I was hooked. I spent months obsessed with how these two seemingly normal kids went so far off course.
Back then, most of my research was focused on Eric and Dylan. I read the journals, I watched the videos and I read about what people had to say about them. I think at that point, I only knew the names of like 3 or 4 of the victims because my main concern was the shooters.

I'm 24 now, and just like you, I happened upon Sue's Ted talk recently, and have since dived pretty far down the rabbit hole again. But this time, I'm completely focused on the victims and the events that happened. Like...I've memorized the timeline and diagrams of the events. This time, it's much more real for me. I have 2 kids of my own now, so I'm looking at everything from a different perspective and it's a lot to take in.

I do notice that I relate everyday things to Columbine often and have to stop myself from sharing those comparisons with people. Some days it gets to be too much and I need to take a break. I've​ struggled a lot with feelings of personal responsibility, like you described. Mostly when I was 16. I used to fantasize about going back in time, befriending them, and saving them (yup, I was one of those kids).

All the what ifs get to be too much sometimes, but it's important to remember, that this is not your life, and it's not your problem. It can be fun to learn about and theorize about, and it's important to recognize the signs to potentially prevent more things like this in the future. But there's nothing you personally could have done at the time, and there's nothing anyone can do now. It's healthy to disconnect from this often, especially if you're struggling with it. It has nothing to do with us and wallowing in letting it affect you personally can be dangerous.

Holy crap. I wrote a book. Sorry about that.

TLDR: I've been there. Remove yourself from it for a while and try to extinguish that sense of personal responsibility.
Oh,please, you have nothing to apologize for
In fact,you(and other commentators here) helped me a lot by sharing your stories,and I finally(for the first time since early February) stopped agonizing over it.It happened.It was horrible,unfair,really tragic.Unfortunately,it had set an example for other disturbed individuals ( Cho Seung-Hui and Pekka Eric Auvinen,for exaple).I couldnt've done anything to prevent it from happening(it's a hard thing to do,if you were born half year later and not in the US).
So,I can say that my emotions are less intense,but the whole thing is still in my mind and is not going to ever completely go away.Which is not bad,I suppose
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baraboo



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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:33 pm

Well,I want to(again) thank all of you,who has written here. I was struggling with these emotions for a month and a half, and I had nobody to share it with,without fear of being labeled as "strange girl who is obsessed with thoughts of mass murder,which happened many years ago".I' glad that I got courage to write here,and thanks to all of you, I feel so much better now
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Thu Mar 16, 2017 5:51 pm

no problem [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.], anytime.

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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:51 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] This was a great idea for a thread, it actually ended up helping me too! I had the same emotions around the time I came across this forum last year. It really is exhausting being so captivated with Columbine, constantly wanting to do more research, and not being able to talk to anyone about it, while also feeling emotionally invested in it.

I kind of assumed most people on here were interested in Columbine strictly for analytical research (which seems kind of silly to me now). It's a relief finding out that other people have felt the same way and that everyone's obsession seems to come and go.
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PostSubject: Re: What do you do when it becomes too much   Tue Mar 21, 2017 3:11 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] I was in seventh grade when Columbine happened. Internet was something that I was just getting exposed to so the information was EVERYWHERE. When I finally got internet in my home, around my sophomore year of high school, I really began researching and I think this is why it was something that sucked us all in. It was he first thing of its kind to happen with all of the information and videos available and how the media seemed to twist things while the internet was exploding around us.

Everyday since then (I'm 30 now), I have felt exactly how you describe it... wanting so badly to somehow turn back time, get to know Dylan and Eric. Many have this fantasy of stopping Columbine. I don't. I just want to get to know who they were before all of this. And then I get angry for several reasons. I feel stupid. I get angry at the boys and what they did to their families, friends, loved ones, and even us... leaving us no REAL answers.

I spend hours reading over journals and documents and watching videos, hoping that it'll help the ache, I guess you can call it. I feel stupid for wanting to talk about this so badly with people and not being able to. And then something snaps in me and I go one with my day. But this need to know, this agonizing like many have called it, it stays in the back of my mind every day. Columbine didn't personally happen to me, and if many others that were directly involved can go on with their lives, I can definitely go on with mine.

And I always have this site here to help me as well, I hope.

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