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 Dylan's possible suicide letter

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TheSpiral
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PostSubject: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Fri May 26, 2017 3:28 pm

So I finally got around to reading Dylan's journal on here:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Near the end is a letter he wrote to someone. It's kind of a mix between a suicide and love letter which is why I find it interesting:

"You don’t consciously know who I am (please don’t skip to the back: read the note as it was
written), & doubtedly unconsciously too. I, who write this, love you beyond infinince. I think
about you all the time, how this world would be a better place if you loved me as I do you.
I know what you’re thinking: “(some psycho wrote me this harassing letter)” I hoped we
could have been together ... you seem a bit like me. Pensive, quiet, an observer, not wanting
what is offered here (school, life, etc.) you almost seem lonely, like me. You probably have a
boyfriend though, & might not have given this note another thought. I have thought you my
true love for a long time now, but . . . well . . . there was hesitation. You see I can’t tell if you
think of anyone as I do you, & if you did who that would be. Fate put me in need of you, yet
this earth blocked that with uncertainties. I will go away soon, but I just had to write this to
you, the one I truly loved. Please, for my sake, don’t tell anybody about this, as it was only
meant for you. Also, please don’t feel any guilt about my soon-to-be “absence” of this world
(it is solely my decision: no one else’s) oh ... the thoughts of us ... doing everything together,
not necessarily anything, just to be together would have been pure heaven. I guess it’s time
to tell you who I am. I was in a class with you 1st semester, & was blessed with being with
you in a report. I still remember your laugh. Innocent, beautiful, pure. This semester I still
see you — rarely. I am entranced
during 5th period, as we both have it off. To most people, I appear . . . well . . . almost scary,
but that’s who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don’t understand. I denied
who I was for a long time. Until high school.... anyway, you have noticed me a few times, I
catch every one of these gazes with an open heart. I think you know who I am by now. Unfortunately
... even if you did like me even the slightest bit, you would hate me if you knew
who I was. I am a criminal. I have done things that almost nobody would even think about
condoning. The reason that I’m writing you now is that I have been caught for the crimes I
committed, & I want to go to a new existence. You know what I mean (suicide). I have nothing
to live for, & I wont be able to survive in this world after this legal conviction. However,
if it was true that you loved me as I do you ... I would find a way to survive. Anything to be
with you. I would enjoy life knowing that you loved me. 99/100 chances you probably think
I’m crazy, & want to stay as far away as possible. If that’s the case, then I’m very sorry for
involving an innocent person in my problems, & please don’t think twice. However, if you are
who I hoped for in my dreams & realities, then do me a favor: leave a piece of paper in my
locker saying anything that comes to you. Well, I guess this is it — goodbye, & I love(d) you."

Another reason this catches my eye is because this sound exactly like me when I muse to a friend about a certain someone, who is a major factor to my depression. It goes to show how alike we are.

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Falling out of airplanes and hiding out in holes
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Jump out from behind them and shoot them in the head
Now everybody dancing, the dance of the dead
The dance of the dead, the dance of the dead
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dahlia_rose

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PostSubject: Re: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Sun Jun 11, 2017 1:46 pm

I don't know about it being a true 'suicide note' as he openly mentioned suicide in many of his writings, from journal entries to his school planner. But as far as notes go, this is probably the closest there is.

When I read this letter I just think of how silly it is that he treated being caught for ATTEMPTING to steal some electronics (that he didn't even make off with) like it was the end of the world. Teenagers engage in criminal activity all the time, yet he seemed to think that no one would ever date him if they found out about what was really a small stunt.

After reading Susan's book I realized that even the smallest of failures must have really affected him and he was completely defenseless against even minor disappointments. Small things like that piled on top of him and he probably overthought it all to death. Sometimes it just makes me scratch my head. You can practically count them off on your fingers.

One was having his computer privileges revoked after breaking into the school's locker system (couldn't he just use the one he had at home or visit another library that had computers?). Another was hurting his arm and being unable to play baseball (for a little while that is, he could have tried again). Another was breaking his $300 glasses (a bit of a bummer, but that's what jobs are for). Another was not really connecting as much as he hoped with that Japanese exchange student who stayed over at his house. And another is being embarrassed while horse riding with his family (the one he was riding pooped on the ground and his family teased him a little). The list goes on...

I keep trying to figure out what would drive Dylan to 4/20 and nothing of what I know about his life or the testimony of his friends and family seem to rationalize it. Guess I'm trying to hard.
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TheSpiral
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PostSubject: Re: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Tue Jun 13, 2017 5:04 am

To me it sounds like he is deliberately overemphasizing his van break in. You know, to sound more dramatic. I doubt it affected him as much as he claims here, nor do I think it was a big factor to his suicidal urges.

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Falling out of airplanes and hiding out in holes
Waiting for the sunset to come, people going home
Jump out from behind them and shoot them in the head
Now everybody dancing, the dance of the dead
The dance of the dead, the dance of the dead
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Sokushinbutsu

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PostSubject: Re: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Tue Jun 13, 2017 11:17 pm

The letter is certainly dramatic and emotionally abusive, which I suppose is why he never sent it. We do have to keep in mind that he was definitely drunk for some of his entries. This may have been one of them, or he may have just been very emotional when he was writing it. He talks a lot of his imminent suicide, which I do think speaks to his mental state. I have definitely been caught in a despair cycle myself where even the slightest thing felt like the end of the world. Then a short while passed and I'd realize how irrational I had been, until the cycle started again. So, he probably sobered from either alcohol or errant emotion and realized that it should never be sent.

I don't believe that he was intentionally overemphasizing the van break in. It seems quite trivial to us, especially in light of the kinds of crimes that he would commit later, but I do think that he took the legal conviction very seriously. He probably had a guilty conscience about all of the things that he got away with, too. It is very unfortunate if it did affect him so greatly, and cement his commitment to NBK, when it probably would've been expunged from his record anyway. It's unreasonable, but the whole affair is full of angst and irrational thought patterns for both of the boys.

As dahlia_rose said, Sue mentioned in her book that disappointing his parents or embarrassing himself in front of others really hit Dylan hard. This was definitely a combination of both.

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PostSubject: Re: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:16 am

Did we ever find out who this letter was meant for? I may have read about this somewhere but I forget now. There are some pretty specific details about classes they had together that would make it (somewhat) easy to figure out at the time.
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em81



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PostSubject: Re: Dylan's possible suicide letter   Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:58 pm

Littlelo wrote:
Did we ever find out who this letter was meant for? I may have read about this somewhere but I forget now. There are some pretty specific details about classes they had together that would make it (somewhat) easy to figure out at the time.

sadly no. it´s my favorite topic. but for the girl it would be better to not know.
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