It was Nancy's fault.

EDIT: I did some more research, tried to get more into the case, see it from other point of view. I tried to put myself into Nancy's position and I saw it from a slightly different perspective. I do think that Nancy could do more to prevent the shooting, but after all, how can I know? None of us actually knows what excatly happened and we will never know. I read various documents about the case to see it better, as well as the e-mails Nancy sent to her friends about Adam etc. I believe Nancy made some mistakes, but after all, she is a human and all humans make mistakes. I quite changed my opinion and I just wanted to say that what I think now, is a bit different from what is written below   .

Hot take: the fact that Lanza actually did what he did, was 60-70% his mother's, Nancy's, fault.
And let me state it clearly: I am not saying that it makes Adam innocent or that it justifies his actions in any way.

First of all, you are aware that your child has Asperger’s syndrome and for people in that spectrum, it's hard to fit into society as they often don't get social clues, have issues with following instructions and are said to have difficulty making friends. I am absolutely sure that for Adam, public schooling system was probably hell (which was later proven, he didn't like going to school), but as a parent, do you realise what you are doing when you pull your child out from the schooling system, making it impossible for him to try and function in a society that he will HAVE to function in one day? If a person doesn't get familliar with the society and it's standards at a young age, then when?

Then, the times where Nancy would stand against Adam's therapists' decision, where she would deny the need of putting Lanza back to school, where she would deny his need of taking special medication. I understand that "mother knows the best", but the fact that Adam killed Nancy later on, clearly proves that not in this case.

Besides that, she kept numerous weapons in her house when she knew that her son was depressive, that he was not in the best state of mind. Doesn't it maybe give you an idea that if someone who has suicidal (maybe even homicidal) thoughts, knows where weapons are, knows how to use them, then they will try to harm themselves, in extreme cases harm more people?

I'm also not trying to say that if Adam got proper care, if he worked enough with his therapist, the shooting wouldn't happen. But surely Nancy had a big part in him secluding himself from the outside world as socialization was hard for him, too hard, and no-one ever made him actually try being a part of society, even if it was hard, because each of his hardships was dealt with by just leaving the whole thing alone.

I disagree. While she could've done more, there is only so much you can do for some people. Everyone wants to think that if he got the proper therapy and was loaded up on medications, he wouldn't have done the shooting. While that might be true, it might not have been. Some people are just wired that way.
Her issue was that she got comfortable. She had this weird Jelly son that always was odd and did unusual things. She always had guns in the house. She saw his personality as the way he was and seeing his response to some medications and general dislike of anything relating to mental help, she laid back. Once he was an adult, there was even less she could do. Even with his weight loss, when you regularly see someone, you don't notice how much weight they lose. She was too comfortable in how things were and wasn't willing to put in the work to make him change.
Yes she should've done more, and maybe things would've been different, but she was too close to him and continued to baby him. He shot her. He killed those kids. Nancy was stupid and blind but it wasn't all her fault.
You just want to think that therapy and pills can fix someone. Sure he could've been numbed and subdued but that isn't fixing him. You can give someone coping mechanisms and therapies but that is just a band aid. You don't want to accept that some people just have it in them to kill and hurt others.

Sylar wrote:

I disagree.  While she could've done more, there is only so much you can do for some people.  Everyone wants to think that if he got the proper therapy and was loaded up on medications, he wouldn't have done the shooting.  While that might be true, it might not have been.  Some people are just wired that way.  
Her issue was that she got comfortable.  She had this weird Jelly son that always was odd and did unusual things.  She always had guns in the house.  She saw his personality as the way he was and seeing his response to some medications and general dislike of anything relating to mental help, she laid back.  Once he was an adult, there was even less she could do.  Even with his weight loss, when you regularly see someone, you don't notice how much weight they lose.  She was too comfortable in how things were and wasn't willing to put in the work to make him change.
Yes she should've done more, and maybe things would've been different, but she was too close to him and continued to baby him. He shot her.  He killed those kids.  Nancy was stupid and blind but it wasn't all her fault.  
You just want to think that therapy and pills can fix someone.  Sure he could've been numbed and subdued but that isn't fixing him.  You can give someone coping mechanisms and therapies but that is just a band aid.  You don't want to accept that some people just have it in them to kill and hurt others.  

I said that I'm not stating that therapy/meds would "fix" him. I also didn't say "it was all Nancy's fault", I said she had a huge imapct on who he became. I absolutely agree that he WAS in fact violent/homicidal and that maybe it couldn't be fixed totally. What I am saying is that his mother knew he had problems and kept disagreeing with professionalists, when listening to them could at least result in making him take meds which would at least make him numb. Besides that, keeping weapons when you know someone is suicidal? Come on. I see what you are trying to say and I agree, some people are born violent and no amount of meds can change that. But a suitable, safe environment maybe will ensure a slightly better outcome than what we have in Lanzas case.

No you didn't say it was all her fault, just 60-70% lmao. She knew he had problems, but to what extent? To her knowledge he was self destructive if anything. Do we have any solid proof that she knew he was homicidal? She might've know he was slightly violent if anything.
As a mother she saw how he reacted to some medications (her story about him with the cereal) and in her mind she saw him better as being off them. She didn't know he was thinking about or capable of committing a mass shooting. Did she even know if he was suicidal? From what I know, they barely talked in his later life. If you were a mother, would you want your poor wittle autist son on medications that made him into a zombie? No, not when you have no idea what he is capable of.
In her eyes he was just a loser and she thought she would always just take care of him and that was that. She didn't want to think he would use the guns to hurt himself. She was just blind, but it wasn't even mostly her fault. Maybe 10% if anything.

Sylar wrote:

No you didn't say it was all her fault, just 60-70% lmao.  She knew he had problems, but to what extent?  To her knowledge he was self destructive if anything.  Do we have any solid proof that she knew he was homicidal?  She might've know he was slightly violent if anything.  
As a mother she saw how he reacted to some medications (her story about him with the cereal) and in her mind she saw him better as being off them.  She didn't know he was thinking about or capable of committing a mass shooting.  Did she even know if he was suicidal?  From what I know, they barely talked in his later life.  If you were a mother, would you want your poor wittle autist son on medications that made him into a zombie?  No, not when you have no idea what he is capable of.
In her eyes he was just a loser and she thought she would always just take care of him and that was that.  She didn't want to think he would use the guns to hurt himself.  She was just blind, but it wasn't even mostly her fault.  Maybe 10% if anything.

Yeah, I agree with some parts of what you say. But after all, she was his mother. She had a massive impact. When someone who is a professional tells you that your child will do better if you don't take him out of the outside world, then maybe you should listen? Nancy tried to create a bubble for Adam and instead of trying to help him to became a part of the society, she wanted to create her own society for him lol. We'll never know if she actually knew if he was violent or not. But it doesn't change the fact that she wasn't a good mother, she was blind and misleaded.

You put too much faith in mental health professionals. Mental health treatment, while more research has been put into it lately, is still based on wishy washy statistics and beliefs. She was a lenient mother, not necessary bad. Even professionals can be biased or operating on faulty data and beliefs.
She saw that through his whole life, he was more comfortable being alone and was distressed by being pushed outside of his comfort zone. She was too weak to push him to change, she'd rather have him happy at home, doing what he had always done, than push him to try to be someone else. She should've listened to the professionals, sure, but can you blame her for not? I'm not saying she was completely innocent, just that she wasn't evil for being weak. She was his mother, she didn't believe he would ever do something like that.
From what I have seen, she was devoted to his care. Not a bad mother, but a weak and oblivious one. I see her similarly to Sue Klebold. A true example of a bad mother is Ethan Crumbley's mother, who was well aware of his tendencies and was neglectful.
Wanting to blame the mother is just wanting to believe we can control people like him. You want to blame his parent's rather than his biology.

this is correct. its also notable how she was aware of adam's self harm on his ankles, but didnt help him and just went to a bar and talked about how "adam's getting worse".

kaynbreedme wrote:

this is correct. its also notable how she was aware of adam's self harm on his ankles, but didnt help him and just went to a bar and talked about how "adam's getting worse".

Well we don't have the entire picture, so we can't assume she didn't try to help him with his self harm. Overall, She did try to make life comfortable for Adam but clearly not in the right way. It's not specifically that she ''coddled'' him but that she did not set clear expectations for him, and rather let him dwell where he was.


And I'm not saying Nancy isn't a victim. I feel sympathy for her. It's just that whenever she see's something in Adam to be concerned about; she does not address it with him. And Adam does not open up about his feelings which makes it worse , their relationship is somewhat dysfunctional.

Ak47style wrote:

kaynbreedme wrote:

this is correct. its also notable how she was aware of adam's self harm on his ankles, but didnt help him and just went to a bar and talked about how "adam's getting worse".

Well we don't have the entire picture, so we can't assume she didn't try to help him with his self harm. Overall, She did try to make life comfortable for Adam but clearly not in the right way. It's not specifically that she ''coddled'' him but that she did not set clear expectations for him, and rather let him dwell where he was.


And I'm not saying Nancy isn't a victim. I feel sympathy for her. It's just that whenever she see's something in Adam to be concerned about; she does not address it with him. And Adam does not open up about his feelings which makes it worse , their relationship is somewhat dysfunctional.

i 100% get where you're coming, well said