Do you get off on this?

I mean, do you get a little bit of a sick thrill knowing that while the world as a whole looks at Columbine and says, "Wow, that's bad," you look at it and say, "Yeah, it was bad*, but it was kind of neat, too"?

*There are some folks around here who don't think that it was a bad thing, but I do. What Eric and Dylan did was wrong and evil. They murdered folks who had never done them any harm. If their bombs had gone off, they would have ended up killing their friends.

I say, fuck the Eric and Dylan who killed kids like Daniel Mauser. Those two were scum.

But what about the Eric and Dylan who might have found some reason to go on living? I mourn those two as deeply I mourn the thirteen they killed. (Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.)

But I still think it was kind of neat that they did it. I think to myself, "What they did was fucked up, and what they wanted to do was even more fucked up, but the whole thing was cool, in a sick way. I wonder why they wanted to do it."

Sometimes my life brings me down - way down.

It is when I find myself thinking and feeling that nothing is worth doing, that I shouldn't bother going to sleep because I know that tomorrow will be at least as bad as today, that everyone is shit and everything is a meaningless waste of time, that I begin to understand the thoughts that must have been swirling around in those boys' heads.

They hated their lives and they loathed the world, and they thought, "I can't go on living like this, so I'm going to off myself ... but wouldn't it be great if I could take a shitload of fuckers with me on the way out? Going NBK would be a big middle finger and a hearty 'Fuck you!' to a world that offers me nothing but emptiness, loneliness, and great big mounds of reeking bullshit. So let's do it!"

But I never go as far down the rabbit hole as they did - I always end up saying to myself, "Well, things aren't that bad - there's always something to live for," and I snap out of it.

They didn't. They kept going deeper and deeper and deeper until they couldn't even see the light anymore. They let the darkness swallow them.

What keeps me from going down that deep? What kept them from coming back up? I doubt that I'll ever know.

Yes, I get a sick thrill out of Columbine. Even though I get a sick thrill out of Columbine, I don't mourn any part of Eric and Dylan.



What keeps you from going down as deep as them? You're not mentally ill in the same way to the same degree that they were.

I sympathize with those that feel a bond to E/D, as I know its a reflection of their own lives which likely includes bullying or just plain not feeling relevant with their surroundings.

I turn my head when people go as far as "honoring" or idolizing them & what they did. I don't believe they really feel that, yet are just releasing their own angst.

If they would've retaliated in a non violent way & directly to those that caused them personal pain.. I'd laugh right along with them. In this case it was violent & targeted to anyone & everyone. Sorry Eric, you can't blow up up anything & everything that you perceived to have caused you pain when in reality 90% of Eric's issues weren't a whole lot different than what half of any school population endures. 20% of the kids in HS's in America "run the place", while the other 80% are left in obscurity or simply pawns on the chessboard.

Shared this a while back, I was a jock in HS & our TCM crowd had an ongoing battle with my baseball coach. During our season they poured gasoline all over our field a lit it up. Our coach was an over the top nut job, I thought it was hilarious despite the fact that they burned my field as well. Tip of the cap to that group.

Life is glass half full or glass half empty, we all have the option to decide. Trust me, the "elite" kids are going thru there own struggles.. we all do.

What keeps you from going that deep? Mix of being wired different than E/D, being more mature & mentally stable as well. We all have "down" thoughts.. thankfully few of us react & have the ability to switch of the dark thoughts before things escalate to no return.

I look @ E/D in two ways.. f*ck the E/D from 4/20, burn in hell. I sympathize for the pre 4/20 Eric & Dylan & sincerely wish I could've had the opportunity to help them work thru there issues & ultimately meet their potential in life happily.

Very well said [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].

I don't get off on this by, but I sure as hell find it fascinating.

I think that when I was a younger, angrier and more bitter person that yes I did get off on it.
But I don't anymore.
The Eric and Dylan who died on 4/20 were still just a couple of kids .And while what they did was terrible, selfish and tragic in every way and I've come to hate what they did, I mourn every part of them because of the terrible state they were in to do such a thing and for all the life and potential that was lost for them that day.
The same goes for the other victims except that I'm aware they had no control over their earthly fate.

I guess the sick thrill is that anyone who was ever bullied to any degree has fantasized (but never acted out) to some degree about what E/D did--and could even imagine some of the people they would like to do it to even. It was indeed one of the biggest "F--k you"'s ever.

Of course I believe the vast majority of people here and me included would never want to harm an innocent person. But I've always felt like I could identify with them, especially Dylan on a deeper level than most average people. Like I could easily see how it happened, when other people say "I can't even begin to understand why they did this", To me I identify with the part of Dylan that just wanted to escape to a better place.

I'm not suicidal but I know what it means to feel like the world is constantly on your back. I know what it means to be angry at people in general (although irrationally) for having things that you don't have, even though you are confident in your intelligence so you don't believe they deserve it.

I often think about what it must have felt like to feel that weight lifted, like nothing matters now, how peaceful that would be for people like us. Maybe it takes being a person as compulsive and anxious as me to understand, but that's got to be one of the best feelings in the world. To me the killing was sort of an excuse to end his life, it made it more natural for him and he wanted to do something crazy that made him feel alive for once, so he could live for once before he died, although it was a terrible thing to do.

I used to find myself saying I would give my life if I had a moment of the truest happiness I could experience. It was never about killing for me though, mostly love or some kind of spiritual transcendence. Killing is a part of nature though, humans are biologically wired to want to kill those who threaten them. Some more than others.

Like I'd expect Dylan would have, I've become better at making myself happy as I've grown out of my teenage years. You learn about yourself and your mind and you realize the world is just a reflection of your mind and you can change it and have more control than you think.

I wouldn't say getting off on this is the right phrase. I am downright fascinated with it because it happened during my lifetime and I still cant make any sense out of it whatsoever.

I absolutely do not "get off" on the NBK aspect..but I absolutely feel compassion, sympathy and loss for Eric and Dylan. For me, I think it's due to my love of psychology and motivation behind the crimes.

Bottom line, we're all human; we make mistakes. Most of us would only hurt someone else if our lives were in danger, but I'm sure a small minority probably do get off on the actual crime.

Sometimes I think about times when I was bullied or picked on in school and I think that as powerful as those assholes felt then and there, they have no idea what I could do to them. They think that they are strong, but they are so weak and pathetic. Faced by the wrath of Eric and Dylan, they would piss their pants.

Generally though, Columbine is more of a fascination than something I 'get off on'.