What if E/D was YOUR child?

What would you do if E/D was your son?

I know that most people would question themselves and their parenting, but would you forgive your mass murdering child? Or would you condemn their decision and feel anger towards them for the hurt they've caused?

How would you respond to the world? Would you do interviews to explain your position? Would you send apology letters to the victims? Would you go into hiding?

I've thought about this a lot myself, and I'm pretty certain that I'd put up a website dedicated to my child's life. I wouldn't condone what they did, but they're still my child, and my loyalty is to them first and foremost, not the rest of the world. On the website I would make it clear that I, myself, accept responsibility for my child's actions, because that's how I would feel.

I decided to post this here in the proper thread too. I've thought a lot about this.I'm not a parent and not planning on it.I would honestly be afraid that I would not survive it.That the grieving would put such a strain on me physically that I would become ill and die. More than that, I'd think it would be worse than being the parent of a victim.If you are the parent of a killer you have the whole world hating you and judging you and calling for your head.Most people will never have an ounce of sympathy for you and will deny that your loss is legitimate.Victims family's will be out for blood.You will know that the entire world celebrates your child's death.You will be left alone to grieve for your baby with little help or support.I think it would be a living Hell that you could never fully escape.I would still love, adore ,grieve for and miss my child but I think I'd be like the living dead  for a long time if not forever.  I don't think I'd give any interviews. No matter what you say, people will hear what they want to and won't have any sympathy or understanding for you anyway.I would probably reach out to the victims families but not for a long time.I think I would be too busy trying to keep myself afloat to do any reaching out to anyone for many years.People will condemn that as a selfish & self centered response but I think its also a realistic one. People can judge but if you are left alive and are going to try to keep on living, then you will do what you have to to survive.I would never admit responsibility for my child's actions publicly although I think that somewhere inside myself I'd have to feel some guilt and some responsibility but you admit that  where it can be used against you and you'll find yourself living under a bridge for the rest of your life because its a certainty that you will be sued probably by several people.Most Columbine victims parents sued E &D 's parents.I think the only ones who didn't were the Scotts &the Mausers.And the Mausers admitted that the reason they didn't was because they didn't feel up to a drawn out court battle which was accurate on their part as some of the lawsuits ended up dragging on for 5 years .I don't think they abstained out of mercy for the families at least not in those years.Its not a popular position but I think a person being sued in that position has every right to protect themselves legally as well as in other ways.People can and will happily judge you for doing so but they aren't the ones that have to live your life under such circumstances.

At least, I would forgive.
Love is not logical, it's irrational.
If my daughter had done that, I would be full of anger and disappointment about her, but I would be ashamed of myself, not for my daughter and give myself to blame. I would ask myself how I could be so blind, not seeing what was in her head, and what was going on in her thoughts. At he end, I'd go crazy about the question WHY?

The silence of the Harrises  totally makes sence for me. No matter what you say or do can be "good" enough  to apologize the actions of their kid. The most people in the world know only the "monster" who was shooting as his own classmates. They never see the babies, the boys and at least the (very)young men Eric and Dylan were. They never talked to them, never comforted them, never laughed with them and never knew them, like their parents did.

I think that both parents are full of grieve about the actions of Eric and Dylan, but I think it's very difficult to say something about her sons, because the people only hear what they want to hear. Remember Susan Klebold saying that she wished her son to be dead, before he could kill someone else. And remember the phone call Wayne Harris did as he called 911. He didn't hide at that moment, he stood for his son. How would it be, suppose that your own son is going on a shooting spree, and call the police to express that suspicion ? But the most cited sentence from Susan Klebold is that she saw the massacre only as Dylans suicide, and you often hear that Wayne Harris is going the easy way and taking the psychopath theory about Eric.

And then after all, there are the Basement Tapes. Yes, we all wanna see them, but I can completely understand that both parents would not want them to be published. Not because of the copycats, but to protect their kids. As an uninvolved person I don't have to understand that, but as a mother I totally agree with them.

I feel like the whole world is expecting an apologize from the Harrises and the Klebolds for loving their sons, but who we are that we want to have an apologize for parents loving their kids? And I think that is the reason for them not to talk in the public.

So if someone ask me what I would do, my only answer is that I deeply hope, that nobody have to ask me that one day.

That was long, but let me say one other thing. With this words I never want to insult or belittle someone. It's not so easy to think in german, but write in english. I hope it has become clear that I condemn any statement or action of the victims' families. They have my full understanding and I hope always that they get the best life they can have and deserve.

If Eric or Dylan were my child I would feel tons of mixed emotions(devastated, anger, confusion, shocked beyond belief, speechless, humiliation, etc). But at the end of the day he's still my child and I would love him regardless of how badly he screwed up.

I think I would do what Sue has done and only done a few things like her Oprah article, Far From the Tree chapter, etc. And even though apologizing wont make up for what's been done I would still write ALL the victims families a handwritten letter.

DarkofNight wrote:

If you are the parent of a killer you have the whole world hating you and judging you and calling for your head.Most people will never have an ounce of sympathy for you and will deny that your loss is legitimate.Victims family's will be out for blood.You will know that the entire world celebrates your child's death.You will be left alone to grieve for your baby with little help or support.I think it would be a living Hell that you could never fully escape.

I think E/D's families have it HARDER than the victim's families. They really weren't bad families. They did some stupid things, but what parent doesn't? They were really no different than any of the other families in their area. They really weren't. They raised their children to be intelligent, and perhaps this intelligence is the problem. I have a feeling that both Eric and Dylan were smarter than their parents and their parents weren't in a position to deal with E/D's problems.

They gave their children a lot of freedom, which most parents wouldn't have. But how could they have known their children were using that freedom to plan mass murder? No parent thinks their child might be a mass murderer.

Grandma wrote:

If my daughter had done that, I would be full of anger and disappointment about her, but I would be ashamed of myself, not for my daughter and give myself to blame. I would ask myself how I could be so blind, not seeing what was in her head, and what was going on in her thoughts.

I think this same question must really haunt E/D's families. How can their child have been planning mass murder and they didn't see it? I hear that in families where children have committed suicide, they ask the same question: How could I not see that my child was planning this?

The truth is that most people who commit murder or suicide are not crazy. What does a child planning mass murder look like? Just the same as any other child.

Is E/D's mass murder plan really any different from teenagers who run away from home with a boyfriend/girlfriend, or teenagers who get into drugs, or teenagers who drive while drunk and crash the car? Teenagers make bad decisions all the time. They get an idea in their heads and they're convinced it's the right thing to do.

How do you prevent your child from doing something like Columbine? I don't know. Most people don't commit murder because they don't want to go to jail or commit suicide. E/D's families gave their children everything they needed -security, a safe home, etc. They didn't know that their children weren't being accepted by society and even if they did know, what could they do about it?

Grandma wrote:

It's not so easy to think in german, but write in english.

Your English is fine. I can write in German, but I doubt you'd be able to read it!

CatherineM813 wrote:

 And even though apologizing wont make up for what's been done I would still write ALL the victims families a handwritten letter.

I know the Klebold's wrote apology letters, but did the Harris' do this also?

When you think about it, a child spends 8 hours a day at school. If you take into account the sleeping hours, a child actually spends more time being raised by the school than their parents. So, when something goes wrong, the school should get just as much blame as the parents.

StinkyOldGrapes wrote:

I know the Klebold's wrote apology letters, but did the Harris' do this also?

Jeff Kass mentions in his book how the Harris letters were stalled due to them being forwarded to sheriffs department from the school district. The sheriffs department said they were "uneasy" about delivering them and attempted to contact the Harris' attorney to return them. The Harris' attorney claimed he knew of no attempt to contact him. Kathy Harris was reportedly "livid" even offering to deliver the letters personally herself, she said that it wasn't right and they were extremely upset. Injured victims received their letters 6 months later (the Harris letter to Mark Taylor is in Kass' book, I'll post it in this thread if anyone's interested) A Denver Post article reported the families of those killed did not receive any letters.
(Chapter 14)

I don't know how I'd react.  Everyone reacts differently.  Cho's grandfather called him a son of a bitch and said that he deserved to die along with his victims.

As a mother I think it's heartbreaking just to think about this question. 

I feel for Sue, because she reminds me of myself. I'm also a liberal person and I also don't like toy guns for playing. We are also loving culture and I am mother of two boys.

My oldest is a little like Dylan. A lot of Fantasy. Just a view friends. Doesn't think highly of himself. Really smart. Not very good social skills. Doesn't like sports, he likes computergames and reading. But I can't imagine him murder somebody. He is such a sweet boy. But I guess Sue didn't either.

I would still love him. He is after all my child and I brought him into this world. But I think the parents made a wise decission in being silent most of the time. Whateverthey say, society will allways be there to crucify them.

tragedy79 wrote:

As a mother I think it's heartbreaking just to think about this question.

I can't imagine it, not really. I know that I will always love my son unconditionally - whether he goes on to be a professional athlete or kills 500 people or spends the rest of his life living on my couch and smoking pot. I may not LIKE him much, but I'll always love him.

If he did do something like Columbine, I'd be furious and scared and confused and probably a hundred other things I can't think of. I actually think "Let's Talk About Kevin" is a decent exploration of the topic, although maybe not a great one because the mom thinks something is wrong with Kevin from the beginning.

If E/D had not committed suicide, there's no doubt in my mind that their parents would have done their best to support them and keep them as safe as possible. Which, to my mind, is the best a parent can do in the situation.

In my belief, Cho's grandfather didn't really love him unconditionally,if he could say such a thing and even more importantly mean it,. I'd never say such a thing about my dead grandchild no matter what he;'d done.

queenfarooq wrote:

Injured victims received their letters 6 months later (the Harris letter to Mark Taylor is in Kass' book, I'll post it in this thread if anyone's interested) A Denver Post article reported the families of those killed did not receive any letters.

Yes, please do post that letter if you have the time. I, for one, would be very interested to read it.

What are you saying happened to the letters to the murder victims families? Did they get lost permanently?

I doubt I'd write apology letters to the families if E/D was my son.

As I've said, kids spend more time at school then they do at home, so the school needs to take some responsibility too. I know that very few school kids go on to become mass murderers, but likewise, very few abused children go on to commit suicide, but that doesn't excuse the bad environment that causes some to.

In some ways, I can understand the anger of Cho's grandfather. When Cho went on his rampage he was making it clear that he didn't care about his family's wellbeing. He didn't care that it would hurt them. It would be hard to have a son tell you that the world you've created for him isn't good enough and he doesn't care that you'll suffer in the aftermath.

StinkyOldGrapes wrote:

Yes, please do post that letter if you have the time. I, for one, would be very interested to read it.
What are you saying happened to the letters to the murder victims families? Did they get lost permanently?

Letter as quoted from Jeff Kass (Chapter 14) from the Harris family to Mark Taylor:
"Please accept our heartfelt wishes for a full and speedy recovery from your injuries. There are no words to express the tragic events of that day. We would have given our lives to prevent them.
May you have the strength and the support to continue your healing process."
Kass says it was signed "Sincerely, Wayne, Kathy and Kevin Harris."

I'm not sure in this instance what happened to the letters mentioned here. It sounds like the Harris family did write letters which were not sent out but not returned to them either. Kass mentions the injured victims families were eventually able to collect their letters from the sheriffs department. However the Denver Post stated 6 months later the families of those killed had not received any letters.
There is another article here discussing the letters: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] as with all newspaper articles i'd take what is written here with a pinch of salt.

Quote :

I'm not sure in this instance what happened to the letters mentioned here. It sounds like the Harris family did write letters which were not sent out but not returned to them either. Kass mentions the injured victims families were eventually able to collect their letters from the sheriffs department. However the Denver Post stated 6 months later the families of those killed had not received any letters.

The police are shameful. How little time would it have taken to make phone calls to the victim's families and ask them if they'd like to pick up their letter?

Grandma wrote:

At least, I would forgive.
Love is not logical, it's irrational.
If my daughter had done that, I would be full of anger and disappointment about her, but I would be ashamed of myself, not for my daughter and give myself to blame. I would ask myself how I could be so blind, not seeing what was in her head, and what was going on in her thoughts. At he end, I'd go crazy about the question WHY?

The silence of the Harrises  totally makes sence for me. No matter what you say or do can be "good" enough  to apologize the actions of their kid. The most people in the world know only the "monster" who was shooting as his own classmates. They never see the babies, the boys and at least the (very)young men Eric and Dylan were. They never talked to them, never comforted them, never laughed with them and never knew them, like their parents did.

I think that both parents are full of grieve about the actions of Eric and Dylan, but I think it's very difficult to say something about her sons, because the people only hear what they want to hear. Remember Susan Klebold saying that she wished her son to be dead, before he could kill someone else. And remember the phone call Wayne Harris did as he called 911. He didn't hide at that moment, he stood for his son. How would it be, suppose that your own son is going on a shooting spree, and call the police to express that suspicion ? But the most cited sentence from Susan Klebold is that she saw the massacre only as Dylans suicide, and you often hear that Wayne Harris is going the easy way and taking the psychopath theory about Eric.

And then after all, there are the Basement Tapes. Yes, we all wanna see them, but I can completely understand that both parents would not want them to be published. Not because of the copycats, but to protect their kids. As an uninvolved person I don't have to understand that, but as a mother I totally agree with them.

I feel like the whole world is expecting an apologize from the Harrises and the Klebolds for loving their sons, but who we are that we want to have an apologize for parents loving their kids? And I think that is the reason for them not to talk in the public.

So if someone ask me what I would do, my only answer is that I deeply hope, that nobody have to ask me that one day.

That was long, but let me say one other thing. With this words I never want to insult or belittle someone. It's not so easy to think in german, but write in english. I hope it has become clear that I condemn any statement or action of the victims' families. They have my full understanding and I hope always that they get the best life they can have and deserve.

Well said. If my daughter (or son if I ever have one) did something like that, I would probably be racked with guilt---what did I do wrong? why didn't I see it?---even if I logically knew it wasn't my fault. And I'd wonder what was wrong with them...& how & when & why. I agree with you about the Harris' as well. They could come out & talk...I would be interested in hearing what they have to say....but, I mean, really, what could they ever say that would convey enough apology or provide enough explanation? People seem to expect that after hearing more from the families that they'll magically understand or it'll magically take the hurt away that the boys inflicted. But I doubt it would be like that. Again, I would love to hear from the Harris' & especially hear more from the Klebold's just to gain insight, but I don't think any of them have the answer to ending school violence.

These are just my views; not criticizing anyone else's.

It's such a heartbreaking thing to even consider. I can't imagine what their parents went through and are still going through ever since that day in April. I can't imagine the horror of slowly coming to the conclusion that your child is the one inside that school killing other children. I remember reading that Sue Klebold was praying for her own son to die before he could harm anyone else.. I can't imagine what kind of strength it must've taken for her to pray for the death of the boy she had loved, cherished, and nurtured for all the years of his life. I can't imagine how Wayne Harris must've felt when he picked up the phone to make that call and express what he thought his son was doing. I can't imagine what it is like to finally get the confirmation that your son is dead by his own hand, but that your son also killed and injured a lot of other children before taking his own life. I think that I would feel a combination of denial, anger, and guilt. The denial phase is quite common in stages of grief, really.. while you'd objectively know what happened, there'd always be a part of you refusing to believe it. The anger and the guilt follow straight after that: was there anything I could've done, was there something I missed, did I not see the warning signs, did I raise my child all wrong, wasn't I there for him when he needed me, why on earth did he do this, did he have any idea what he would put us and all those other families through, how could you do this my son?

Both of the reactions from their parents are understandable to me. The silence of the Harrises is understandable: what do you say when your son has done the unthinkable? How can you possibly find the words within yourself to reach out to people again? You can't ever apologise for it. There is no apology in the world big enough to give the families of the deceased and injured, nor is there an apology in the world big enough for your son to give you. What I have a hard time understanding, though, is why they seem to have accepted the 'psychopath'-label and why it almost seems like they 'washed their hands off' their son. The love of the Harrises almost feels like a more conditional love, and I don't know if that's just because we know so little about them or if that's really the way they were with their two boys. The reaching out on the part of the Klebolds is also understandable: you don't want the world to solely see your beloved son as a monster. I do think that Dylan's role in the massacre is portrayed as 'cleaner' than it actually was by most people, so the stronger focus on him being depressed and suicidal (not to mention putting him down as 'a follower' of big bad Eric  ) may have given the Klebolds more space from which they could speak about their son and have people listen without passing that much judgement. I think what the Klebolds do now is what I would do if I were put in that position. I'd want to talk about my son and show the world that there was so much more to him than just what everyone knows him for.

I don't have any children of my own (yet). I pray that I will never know how this feels. It hurts my heart just to think about it.

I'd be in complete shock. How do you come to terms with something like that? The baby who's diaper you changed, who you took care of when he was sick, taught to ride a bike, laughed with, cried with; ends their life and the lives of other people one day and the world as you know it ends.

Mr and Mrs Harris remind me so much of my parents who when my brother comitted suicide, on the outside appeared fine but they broke down behind closed doors. If my brother had of done some thing like they did I'm positive my parents would act the the same way. Not because they've cold and/or non feeling but because they're private people who don't show emotion publicly.

I have a lot of respect for Mrs Klebold for speaking out but I can't say that I'd do the same.

areyoulistening I am so glad you're back I've missed your posts! And I am so sorry about your brother. I hope you and your family are doing well.

Awh shucks thanks

We're alright it was 9 years ago, thanks for the condolences though.

areyoulistening wrote:

Awh shucks thanks

We're alright it was 9 years ago, thanks for the condolences though.

Welcome

thedragonrampant wrote:

Both of the reactions from their parents are understandable to me. The silence of the Harrises is understandable: what do you say when your son has done the unthinkable? How can you possibly find the words within yourself to reach out to people again? You can't ever apologise for it. There is no apology in the world big enough to give the families of the deceased and injured, nor is there an apology in the world big enough for your son to give you. What I have a hard time understanding, though, is why they seem to have accepted the 'psychopath'-label and why it almost seems like they 'washed their hands off' their son. The love of the Harrises almost feels like a more conditional love, and I don't know if that's just because we know so little about them or if that's really the way they were with their two boys.

I think, as has been said, that the Harris family is simply very private. And with Eric being labeled as the driving force of the massacre, it must be that much harder to deal with. As far as their acceptance of the label psychopath, the statement that they seem to accept it comes from an admittedly biased source after one conversation so I'm not sure we can take that as absolute. Were they going to argue that their son, who by the way murdered your son, was perfectly sane? Nah, best not to make waves. And if they truly do accept the label, do they do so because it comforts them? "There's nothing we could have done. We couldn't have stopped him. We should be thankful he didn't kill us." Forgive me if I'm rambling and incoherent, it's past my bedtime. My other thought on the subject is that they have distanced themselves from the case so much that they don't have enough info to convince them otherwise. As far as I know, they've never seen the Basement Tapes. Have they read Eric's journals, talked to his friends? Or simply cut this part of their lives away and moved on as quickly and quietly as possible? The path of least resistance, so to speak.

CatherineM813 wrote:

areyoulistening I am so glad you're back I've missed your posts! And I am so sorry about your brother. I hope you and your family are doing well.

My thoughts exactly! I really was afraid you wouldn't post anymore!

Wideawake wrote:

And if they truly do accept the label, do they do so because it comforts them? "There's nothing we could have done. We couldn't have stopped him. We should be thankful he didn't kill us."

 

Eric's mom: "OMG. That little creep could've murdered us all with an ax while we slept... We're so lucky he only took out his innate psychopathic urges on random people. Now we can sleep easy..."

StinkyOldGrapes wrote:

Wideawake wrote:

And if they truly do accept the label, do they do so because it comforts them? "There's nothing we could have done. We couldn't have stopped him. We should be thankful he didn't kill us."

 

Eric's mom: "OMG. That little creep could've murdered us all with an ax while we slept... We're so lucky he only took out his innate psychopathic urges on random people. Now we can sleep easy..."

Lol! But in all seriousness, that makes me think of the part in Bang Bang You're Dead where the mom gets up and locks the bedroom door. To me, that was probably the most disturbing part of the whole movie.

Wideawake wrote:

StinkyOldGrapes wrote:

Wideawake wrote:

And if they truly do accept the label, do they do so because it comforts them? "There's nothing we could have done. We couldn't have stopped him. We should be thankful he didn't kill us."

 

Eric's mom: "OMG. That little creep could've murdered us all with an ax while we slept... We're so lucky he only took out his innate psychopathic urges on random people. Now we can sleep easy..."

Lol! But in all seriousness, that makes me think of the part in Bang Bang You're Dead where the mom gets up and locks the bedroom door. To me, that was probably the most disturbing part of the whole movie.

Same, It really makes you think that his own mother scared of him. The Movie really opens your eyes though.

If E/D were my child I wouldn't know what to think. That's like your blood going in there killing people. It must have felt like they were murdering those people. I think I would keep quiet at first, but still write letters to the families my child has hurt. I would feel so bad for what they did I think I would just move houses, but I know I wouldn't forget about them and what they done.

StinkyOldGrapes wrote:

What would you do if E/D was your son?

I know that most people would question themselves and their parenting, but would you forgive your mass murdering child? Or would you condemn their decision and feel anger towards them for the hurt they've caused?

How would you respond to the world? Would you do interviews to explain your position? Would you send apology letters to the victims? Would you go into hiding?

I've thought about this a lot myself, and I'm pretty certain that I'd put up a website dedicated to my child's life. I wouldn't condone what they did, but they're still my child, and my loyalty is to them first and foremost, not the rest of the world. On the website I would make it clear that I, myself, accept responsibility for my child's actions, because that's how I would feel.

Mostly this. I mean I think Susan has really handled the situation the best you can really. She speaks to the media and gives her thoughts on the situation and communicates with the families of the victims. But she didn't go overboard. She seems to have accepted responsibility for the event in part but I have never heard her once bad mouth or demonise her child. If anything she has said she has failed.

Eric's parents have always been hush on the subject. Though this may be because of the parents military background and presence. I can't imagine the military would like them talking much. After all is the militarys job to protect the country and that's kind of the opposite of what their son did

If you were Eric's mother of father. The same question regarding Dylan. How would you cope? All the police / FBI / S.W.A.T in your home and invading your lives because of what the boys did. The media in your face constantly. Your neighbors whispering and gossiping about you. On the 4/19/99 you were a normal and happy family and then 4/20/99 arrives and your world is torn apart -RIPPED APART- The guilt of what your child did. The children and adult murdered by YOUR child. How would you cope? 4/20/99 I would have probably had a nervous breakdown. How could you live and move on? Could you forgive Eric and Dylan if they were your kids? Would you blame yourself for your son's actions?

Sorry but I think thread already exist under the name "What if Eric and Dylan were YOUR child".

I think this is an interesting question. If I were the parent of either of the boys I would be unable to ever forgive myself for overlooking the obvious signs of danger. I'm not sure there is anyway to cope other than what the actual families have been trying to do. Their opportunities to impact the situation pretty much vanished after 4-20. I do think both families had chances to stop NBK, particularly the Harrises. If my kid had filled out a self-audit that explicitly stated he was suicidal and homicidal and he had a simultaneous obsession with vandalism, threats, guns, bombs, and murder... I think I would have probably delved in a little deeper to find out was going on and maybe even taken more aggressive steps such as pulling Eric out of school. I probably would have been very concerned about the amount of time the two boys were spending together: almost every class, worked in the same place, always hanging out together. After the van incident, I might have tried to restrict this association.

The tough reality is: parents don't actually control their kids. You can make all the apparently "right" moves and still lose your kid to his or her own personal demons.

I have merged these two topics, because they are pretty much discussing the same thing. When making new threads, try searching older topics first and bump them to add your discussion to the topic, instead of creating a new thread.

I understand that it may be missed sometimes, as I have done that myself, but please try going through older threads first because chances are, it may have already been discussed.

Thanks.

Jenn wrote:

I have merged these two topics, because they are pretty much discussing the same thing. When making new threads, try searching older topics first and bump them to add your discussion to the topic, instead of creating a new thread.

I understand that it may be missed sometimes, as I have done that myself, but please try going through older threads first because chances are, it may have already been discussed.

Thanks.

Hi Jenn ,i didn't know this topic had already been done. I think it would be a good idea to delete my thread. I am sorry and i will make sure i read older threads in future. When i have a new thread in mind ,i will make sure that it has not previously been posted. Sorry.

rik75 wrote:

Jenn wrote:

I have merged these two topics, because they are pretty much discussing the same thing. When making new threads, try searching older topics first and bump them to add your discussion to the topic, instead of creating a new thread.

I understand that it may be missed sometimes, as I have done that myself, but please try going through older threads first because chances are, it may have already been discussed.

Thanks.

Hi Jenn ,i didn't know this topic had already been done. I think it would be a good idea to delete my thread. I am sorry and i will make sure i read older threads in future. When i have a new thread in mind ,i will make sure that it has not previously been posted. Sorry.

Don't worry about, it's OK. I have done that myself. I've made a thread that a member had already made too and I've been here since day 1. Even I mess up sometimes and I know the forum is getting really big now and you may miss older topics. I didn't delete your topic, I just merged it to the topic that already existed. No worries, no need to be sorry. I just ask that members check older threads before making new ones to see if that topic has already been discussed.

gustopoet wrote:

I think this is an interesting question. If I were the parent of either of the boys I would be unable to ever forgive myself for overlooking the obvious signs of danger. I'm not sure there is anyway to cope other than what the actual families have been trying to do. Their opportunities to impact the situation pretty much vanished after 4-20. I do think both families had chances to stop NBK, particularly the Harrises. If my kid had filled out a self-audit that explicitly stated he was suicidal and homicidal and he had a simultaneous obsession with vandalism, threats, guns, bombs, and murder... I think I would have probably delved in a little deeper to find out was going on and maybe even taken more aggressive steps such as pulling Eric out of school. I probably would have been very concerned about the amount of time the two boys were spending together: almost every class, worked in the same place, always hanging out together. After the van incident, I might have tried to restrict this association.

The tough reality is: parents don't actually control their kids. You can make all the apparently "right" moves and still lose your kid to his or her own personal demons.

We don't know for sure that the Harrises actually saw the self-audit though. And obviously they were aware that he liked guns and had built a pipe bomb, but they were a military family so I think that liking guns was hardly unusual, and many teenage boys build pipe bombs. He was seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, so I'm sure they thought they were doing what they needed to. I would agree about restricting the association, but if they had tried...what would that really accomplish? Should they have made Eric quit his job, where he was thought to be a wonderful employee and was doing well? Tried to switch their classes? They would have found ways to be together if they wanted to. Look at Romeo and Juliet. (Okay, not the same, but you know what I mean.)

It would be very difficult to realize the full horror and believe in the reality of what happened. To some extent, parents of Eric and Dylan are much heavier than the parents of the victims (strange as it may sound). Can't even imagine what I would do in public. On the one hand you love your child, on the other hand what he did has no excuses for most. Although any tragedy need to draw conclusions, not just to condemn.