Oh "gawd"

"Im stuck in humanity. maybe going “NBK" (gawd) w. eric is the way to break free. i hate this."--DK

I've always been struck by the parenthetical "gawd" that Dylan writes about in his Book Of Existences, to me, personally, I think it is perhaps the most important single word/part of his journals, bar none, in terms of getting inside his head about many things, including his relationship with Eric Harris. Thedragonrampant was kind enough to provide a translated excerpt from the Krabbe book in another thread about what the author thinks it may mean:

"The ‘gawd’ indicates horror that this is the way it’s going to be — he had dreamed about an NBK with Her. It is almost as if he recoils from using that ‘magical phrase’ NBK in combination with Eric Harris — as though it is sacrilegious to go on and do something so intimate as killing and dying together with him. Eric may be, without knowing it, busy to arrange the halcyon-journey for Dylan, but on this journey itself he is an unwelcome companion.
With this ‘gawd’, Dylan edges closer to writing something unfavourable about Eric than he ever did before."

Do you agree/disagree with Krabbe's interpretation of (gawd)?  I tend to think it is a pretty good appraisal, I can almost envision Dylan rolling his eyes while writing this down, half-drunk, in his journal.  It seems to me also that this use of "gawd," parenthetically, is interesting though he places it after the word "NBK" not after the name Eric, which would give more credence to the Krabbe interpretation.  I wonder if Dylan is somehow directing the "gawd" towards NBK instead, that he maybe does see it as a teenaged fantasy and perhaps mocking the importance that Eric is placing on NBK? However, since I believe Dylan coined the abbreviation for the attack first, that may not be true at all.  Any thoughts? I really have been struck by this very short sentence ever since I first read Dylan's journals for myself, and it stood out to me almost as if it were jumping off the page.

Krabbé's interpretation is one of the more solid ones to me, because I do feel that Eric's presence in the plan was an afterthought to Dylan rather than the 'original' idea. Dylan spoke about a rampage and similar things in his journal before this time, but never once in connection with Eric. The previous mentions seem to be mostly focused around The Girl and the 'romanticism' involved in the very idea of committing to something like NBK with her. (I also think that he considered Zach as a serious option before Devon got involved, which leads me to speculate that his vitriol directed at Devon was about more than just her 'taking away' the best and closest friend Dylan had.) Eric was the second or third option, and the one who just so happened to be on the same page as Dylan.

I would also say that the 'gawd' is directed at the idea of 'NBK' itself. The term was coined after the movie, as we know, and the movie depicts a man and a woman killing together. (Yeah yeah what a summary -- I haven't seen the movie itself yet so I'm not going to get into it in-depth at all.   ) I think it was a strange thought for Dylan to use the term depicting a killer male/female-bond in correspondence with Eric rather than The Girl. I also think that Dylan didn't place as much emphasis on the idea or the plan as Eric did, because Eric got to the level where "the amount of dramatic irony and foreshadowing is fucking amazing; everything I see and I hear I incorporate into NBK somehow".. Eric saw everything fall in line with the grand master plan and I can just see Dylan roll his eyes at this somehow. Their motivations for 'going NBK' were different and yet very similar, so it would make sense to me that the boys did not see eye-to-eye on the significance of the term or the meaning behind it.

Hm, I think I am of the opinion that it was as much a 'gawd' directed at Eric as it was a 'gawd' directed at the term itself. It was still a maybe for Dylan at this point judging from his own writings, as though he wasn't yet sure of the plan and/or of Eric.. (Does anyone recall if this entry was dated? I can't look it up right now because I have to call it a night, but it'd be interesting to put this one side-by-side with Eric's from the same time.)

I think it's a crucial passage as well. One thing that stands out is it may be a turning point from when Dylan had previously fantasized about shooting up the school with Zach, which was a more narrowly targeted plan aimed at jocks and bullies, to "NBK" which was a larger plan of attack, aimed at all of humanity. Dylan writes that he is "stuck in humanity" and says maybe going "NBK" will help him break free but nowhere does this specifically imply that the "NBK" plan is to (only) shoot up Columbine.

At this point NBK probably related to the more elaborate plans outlined in the boys' journals and in the BT. So this entry may mark a point when Dylan began to embrace the idea of lashing out against everyone and not just the jocks and bullies at the school.

In this regard the "gawd" would almost seem to be an immediate self-realization of how impotent such an attack would actually be... "our little judgement day" -- Dylan feeling the full weight of his powerlessness at the same time he is beginning to acknowledge the full force and range of his hate.

thedragonrampant wrote:

Hm, I think I am of the opinion that it was as much a 'gawd' directed at Eric as it was a 'gawd' directed at the term itself. It was still a maybe for Dylan at this point judging from his own writings, as though he wasn't yet sure of the plan and/or of Eric.. (Does anyone recall if this entry was dated? I can't look it up right now because I have to call it a night, but it'd be interesting to put this one side-by-side with Eric's from the same time.)

This would have been January.  The previous entry is:

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then

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Sue Klebold in "Far from the Tree" by Andrew Solomon:
"Three months before the tragedy he's talking about how he wants to die, and he says, "I might do an NBK with Eric."  She learned that NBK stood for Natural Born Killers.  "So as late as January, Dylan hadn't really decided that he was going to do this.  He just wanted to die.  But why blow up the school?  I get in my car on a Monday morning, and I start thinking about Dylan, and I just cry all the way to work.  I talk to him, or I sing songs.  You have to be in touch with that sorrow."

I always thought he was mocking the fact that Eric named the attack NBK. Otherwise, why would he have written it like that, if not to mock it.

InFiNiNcEX5 wrote:

thedragonrampant wrote:

Hm, I think I am of the opinion that it was as much a 'gawd' directed at Eric as it was a 'gawd' directed at the term itself. It was still a maybe for Dylan at this point judging from his own writings, as though he wasn't yet sure of the plan and/or of Eric.. (Does anyone recall if this entry was dated? I can't look it up right now because I have to call it a night, but it'd be interesting to put this one side-by-side with Eric's from the same time.)

This would have been January.  The previous entry is:

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then

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Sue Klebold in "Far from the Tree" by Andrew Solomon:
"Three months before the tragedy he's talking about how he wants to die, and he says, "I might do an NBK with Eric."  She learned that NBK stood for Natural Born Killers.  "So as late as January, Dylan hadn't really decided that he was going to do this.  He just wanted to die.  But why blow up the school?  I get in my car on a Monday morning, and I start thinking about Dylan, and I just cry all the way to work.  I talk to him, or I sing songs.  You have to be in touch with that sorrow."

Thanks for the timeframe!

So, we're talking three months prior to the massacre and Dylan is still hinging on the 'maybe' that he probably didn't even vocalise to Eric. I think the idea of going NBK with Eric may not have been romantic enough for Dylan somehow. Eric, on his part, didn't write in his journal from 12/29/98 (the entry where he says he needs to arrange another gun for Dylan) to 4/3/99 (last-ever entry with a well-rounded plan). I've always found it strange that he didn't write in the weeks inbetween these entries, and sometimes I do wonder if there were last-minute doubts in both of them. Krabbé suggests that there were, which are bits I think I've translated..?

It's interesting to place Dylan's mention of NBK from this last January against Eric's mention from almost exactly one year prior to the massacre. Eric's exact phrase in the 4/21/98-entry is "when I go NBK". It's not an if for him at that point in time: someday, somehow, he's going to do exactly what NBK symbolised for him. It's coincidentally also the entry where he mentions his medication for the first time and mentions he'd "sooner die than betray my own thoughts". We're talking one year prior and the idea had already solidified itself enough to be a 'when' during a time when he was in the middle of therapy and a trial run of medication. And then you see Dylan's entry months later, and it's not a solid idea at all just yet? It almost makes you wonder how much they communicated and how much they really knew about one another's thoughts/feelings on the plan, right?

I also wonder if we are missing parts of the boys' journals, since there is no way to tell really if Jeffco may be withholding certain pages and entries. I wish we knew for sure.
I agree that perhaps NBK meant completely different things to both Dylan and Eric, and as thedragonrampant suggests, they might never have verbalized these differences of opinions with each other.

ThoughtBox wrote:

I also wonder if we are missing parts of the boys' journals, since there is no way to tell really if Jeffco may be withholding certain pages and entries. I wish we knew for sure.
I agree that perhaps NBK meant completely different things to both Dylan and Eric, and as thedragonrampant suggests, they might never have verbalized these differences of opinions with each other.

Considering the history with JeffCo and this case, I would be more surprised if we weren't missing journal entries.

As far as doubts, I'm sure that they both had them at some point. Even Eric with his bravado and love of violence seemed unsure at times based ont he transcripts we have of the tapes where he is alone. Once they had guns, how could they have backed out? It's not even about the fear of retaliation (because I can see Eric flipping his shit if Dylan backed out on him), but there is no way their friendship could be sustained if one of them had backed out. It would have been the ultimate betrayal.

I have only slept for 3 hours in the last 48. I think that made sense. If not, my apologies.

gustopoet wrote:

I think it's a crucial passage as well. One thing that stands out is it may be a turning point from when Dylan had previously fantasized about shooting up the school with Zach, which was a more narrowly targeted plan aimed at jocks and bullies, to "NBK" which was a larger plan of attack, aimed at all of humanity. Dylan writes that he is "stuck in humanity" and says maybe going "NBK" will help him break free but nowhere does this specifically imply that the "NBK" plan is to (only) shoot up Columbine.

At this point NBK probably related to the more elaborate plans outlined in the boys' journals and in the BT. So this entry may mark a point when Dylan began to embrace the idea of lashing out against everyone and not just the jocks and bullies at the school.

In this regard the "gawd" would almost seem to be an immediate self-realization of how impotent  such an attack would actually be... "our little judgement day" -- Dylan feeling the full weight of his powerlessness at the same time he is beginning to acknowledge the full force and range of his hate.  

The more I have been thinking about this topic that I started, I am starting to agree more and more with the last paragraph here, that the "gawd" is almost a half-hearted jab at the term in and of itself by Dylan, who started using it months and months before, and seeing what his grandiose ceremonial plan had metamorphosed into (via Eric's influence, no doubt)--the grand "Holy morning in April" had deteriorated into a crass "little judgement day," and Dylan is, as gustopoet suggests, beginning to see that NBK will never be as amazingly destructive and all-consuming as he had hoped in his earlier mentions of it in his journal.  I would say here in his journal entry that he almost making fun of it, and what it (the act and the term "NBK") had become, which is quite interesting seeing how Dylan is writing this less than three months before the attack.  I suppose, ultimately, that Dylan just resigned himself to the fact that NBK was going to happen in whatever form it had transmuted into, and it would give him the opportunity for a theatrical death, one that would be remembered nonetheless. While he doesn't write about it, as far as I remember, this makes me think Dylan did not want to be one of the nameless thousands of individuals who commit suicide each year without the "fanfare" of a Columbine-type conflagration.

ThoughtBox wrote:

The more I have been thinking about this topic that I started, I am starting to agree more and more with the last paragraph here, that the "gawd" is almost a half-hearted jab at the term in and of itself by Dylan, who started using it months and months before, and seeing what his grandiose ceremonial plan had metamorphosed into (via Eric's influence, no doubt)--the grand "Holy morning in April" had deteriorated into a crass "little judgement day," and Dylan is, as gustopoet suggests, beginning to see that NBK will never be as amazingly destructive and all-consuming as he had hoped in his earlier mentions of it in his journal.  I would say here in his journal entry that he almost making fun of it, and what it (the act and the term "NBK") had become, which is quite interesting seeing how Dylan is writing this less than three months before the attack.  I suppose, ultimately, that Dylan just resigned himself to the fact that NBK was going to happen in whatever form it had transmuted into, and it would give him the opportunity for a theatrical death, one that would be remembered nonetheless. While he doesn't write about it, as far as I remember, this makes me think Dylan did not want to be one of the nameless thousands of individuals who commit suicide each year without the "fanfare" of a Columbine-type conflagration.

Yes, maybe it was a flash of the "self-awareness" Dylan so urgently believed only he and Eric possessed. This same self-awareness is apparent in Eric's journal when he writes that he hates liars but is one etc., and when he states in the BT that "we need to die, too." I think there was an aspect of awareness in each of the boys that rejected their own b.s. and even grandiosity at times. This seems just to come through in flashes, but they each seem to meditate on and almost try to cling to these rare moments of insight and self-realization.

You can see a weird duality in Dylan's behavior in "Radioactive Clothing" where he looks like an eager participant in the movie-making/juvenile fantasy they are role-playing, but he also looks bored and almost embarrassed at times. This is also true at Rampart Range. If you watch closely, you can see that Dylan vacillates from excitement to boredom or even irritation, sometimes within seconds. This may be one of the psychological issues he was trying to deal with: not being able to fully engage in anything, because he was always sensing how shallow, or pointless, or phony most people and most situations (including himself) actually were. When you are depressed this is how the world looks and you can't sustain faith or enthusiasm in anything. Dylan reached the point where only death was authentic enough to satisfy him.

I think the "gawd" was like another way of saying "ohhhhh" to express how it had him fired up thinking about killing people. Like being turned on by the thought or something.

jettfyre80 wrote:

I think the "gawd" was like another way of saying "ohhhhh" to express how it had him fired up thinking about killing people. Like being turned on by the thought or something.

Then wouldn't he have written "God!" and not "Gawd" which is a way of being sarcastic?

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True. I was going on that theory because in his other writings, he used alternate spellings. Like using "z"s at the end of words.

jettfyre80 wrote:

True. I was going on that theory because in his other writings, he used alternate spellings. Like using "z"s at the end of words.

Ah, never thought of that. Still, I think he was being sarcastic here. Like many things with Columbine, it's anyone's guess. But I'd say, you're right that he was excited and turned on about the prospect of killing even if he was being sarcastic about the ultimate impact of doing it.

Are there instances of Dylan using the word in previous journal entries or the basement tape recordings , and if so, in what context? This could tell us if he uses the word in connection to either positive or negative experiences/people/emotions etc.

MegaloX wrote:

Are there instances of Dylan using the word in previous journal entries or the basement tape recordings , and if so, in what context? This could tell us if he uses the word in connection to either positive or negative experiences/people/emotions etc.

Good point! I had never thought about that, but it would.
I seem to recall Eric using it in his journal, or perhaps it was written in one of the yearbook signings, I'll have to double check on that. Also, if we were to hear them use it on tape, that would be helpful.
Ultimately, the way I understand teenage vernacular from the late 1990s, this would have been a sarcastic comment, as a matter of fact, I still think people use it even now in texting, etc., as a verbal way of rolling one's eyes, so to speak.

"Dylan reached the point where only death was authentic enough to satisfy him."  ---Gustopoet

Gustopoet, I think this is perhaps the best, most concise, and accurate description of Dylan I have ever read. I hope that anyone who truly wants to understand depression, suicide, and by extension, Dylan, makes a note of this.

ThoughtBox wrote:

"Dylan reached the point where only death was authentic enough to satisfy him."  ---Gustopoet

Gustopoet, I think this is perhaps the best, most concise, and accurate description of Dylan I have ever read. I hope that anyone who truly wants to understand depression, suicide, and by extension, Dylan, makes a note of this.

Wow, thanks. Glad it resonated with you. This is an interesting thread.

gustopoet wrote:

ThoughtBox wrote:

"Dylan reached the point where only death was authentic enough to satisfy him."  ---Gustopoet

Gustopoet, I think this is perhaps the best, most concise, and accurate description of Dylan I have ever read. I hope that anyone who truly wants to understand depression, suicide, and by extension, Dylan, makes a note of this.

Wow, thanks. Glad it resonated with you. This is an interesting thread.

I'd like to see you craft as concise a statement about Eric  ;) 

This is precisely why, I feel, that Dylan was able to commit such heinous acts (the shooting of Lance Kirklin stands out in my mind the most), because I believe that he actually doubted the authenticity of his life on this earth and the very reality of it, in addition to the insignificance of it. Only in death could he realize his potential as a self-aware being and be (re)united with his Love.

ThoughtBox wrote:

I'd like to see you craft as concise a statement about Eric  ;) 

Yeah, me too!   

gustopoet wrote:

ThoughtBox wrote:

I'd like to see you craft as concise a statement about Eric  ;) 

Yeah, me too!   

Maybe: Eric reached the point where only death was violent enough of a statement to satisfy him.

ThoughtBox wrote:

Maybe:  Eric reached the point where only death was violent enough of a statement to satisfy him.

Or: Eric reached the point where killing people was the only way he could love them.

I see Eric as still trying to impress the world and be an important part of it even as he tried to burn it down. Why else get a haircut before NBK? lol

I see Dylan as being convinced in his soul that this reality was only a "weigh station" or, to use a Hebrew slant, a "klippot" that needed to be violently stripped away to reveal truth and beauty.

Eric wanted to tell people what he knew and felt and he wanted to share his mind and feelings with others. "I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things." I think a part of Eric loved Columbine and even the "pecking order" just as he loved "Natural Selection" and "Hobbes." It was just a bridge too far for him to gain respect from those he envied, but I think the evidence showed that he kept on trying for quite a while. Finally, he realized that the only thing that had ever gained him any kind of respect was fear, so he forged fear into a weapon of murder and self-annihilation. He saw that those around him seemed to love and respect power, so he turned himself into the "stray bullet from the barrel of love" and the "illegitimate son of God."

What's odd is there seems to be enough weird "mojo" and synchronicity around the boys' lives and NBK to suggest an important, if not sacred, dimension to Columbine. So maybe both of them were sensing (in primitive glimpses) something deeper under the surface of everyday life.

He meant it like a shudder.

As in, maybe I have to resort to something this extreme.

lasttrain wrote:

He meant it like a shudder.

As in, maybe I have to resort to something this extreme.

I agree. If not, then I believe it conveys a sort of annoyance toward the idea. Perhaps both.

I don't think he would have put "NBK" in quotes if he wasn't somehow mocking or trivializing the idea. I mean what does it mean when you give air-quotes to something and roll your eyes when you're talking? Dylan was quite a sarcastic guy by nature.

Who had the poster of Jenny McCarthy? Eric or Dylan?

jettfyre80 wrote:

Who had the poster of Jenny McCarthy? Eric or Dylan?

That'd be Eric.

maninthebox wrote:

But I guess it makes it scarier for me, because he had morals, it was something he thought about a lot, so the NBK was all the more so a deliberate choice for him.  

The fact that Dylan Klebold has shades of gray makes him highly fascinating to study! He justified NBK to fit within the framework of morality - a morality that started out normal and then became skewed and distorted over time, clouded by deep depression. His fabricated personal philosophy became a coping mechanism, which would see him through to his end in this particular hopeless 'existence.' Never dull. ;)

MegaloX wrote:

Are there instances of Dylan using the word in previous journal entries or the basement tape recordings , and if so, in what context? This could tell us if he uses the word in connection to either positive or negative experiences/people/emotions etc.

In re-reading Dylan's journal and his entries in Eric's yearbook, I noticed that he wrote NBK without quotation marks in a half dozen instances. Interestingly enough, in one his entries in Eric's yearbook he also uses the expression "Gawwwd" when he writes:

"GAWWWD sooo many people need to die."

Another instance of him using this word in a sarcastic manner, this time in relation to the idea of "people."

ERIC:


010364, 010411-010412, 010418, 026356-026357, 026780-026781 - before August 1997:

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY HATE!!!?

--LIARS!!! OH GAWWWWWD I HATE LIARS .. And living in this fucking neighborhood there is thousands of them!!! Why the fuck must people lie so damn much!

Especially about stupid things Like "Yeah, I just bought 5 cases of M-BCTs in Oklahoma for about $5. And they are legal there and everything.. Yeah my parents buy most of my guns, every once in a while ill use my 4.000 dollar paycheck and buy a shotgun or 2. And my brand new hummer just broke down on the highway when I was going 25Gmph. Stupid cars ' like that now., what fucking port if any would a normal human being believe? And that's just one person!!

Another BIG example is Brooks Brown(303-972-0602) Now, according to him. he has a 215 IQ. 5 other homes (2 in Alaska. and 3 in Florida), 95mph fast ball (he is only 16). runs a mile in about 5 minutes, has an uncle that's the former head of all the armed forces and has access to ... Theee Button ... his other uncle is a multi-millionaire that lives in downtown Detroit. and his neighbors are the chick that sung "r.e.s.p.e.c.t." and the lead singer of Aerosmith. And that same uncle owns 30% of the stock of that Tylenol company. And his grandparents give GIVE, him about 1000 dollars for each month, and his other Grandpa can blow up every house in America because all the houses have C-4 in the foundations Again, according lo Brooks Brown.

OK. when people lie like that. it's not impressive, no one believes it, it sounds Just plain stupid, and it's a fuckin waste of my time.


010365, 010412, 010419, 026357, 026781 - before August 1997:

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY HATE!!!?

--COMMERCIALS!!! OH GAWWD I HATE COMMERCIALS!!!

The only ones I MIGHT like are previews and some car commercials But Jesus Christ, all those Lotion,
PERFUME, Makeup, JCPENNYS. Joslins, food, coffee, or advertisement commercials. Please Destroy them all! never record another! They suck! They are only funny the first time! Think up other stuff! They suck! They are stupid! We get sick of them VERY FAST! VERY! VERY FAST!


010413, 026358, 026782 - before August 1997:

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE!!!?

--People who try to impress me by TRYING to brag about the military's weapons! Now, to some of you this might seem, weird. but its happened.

Like this, "dude, they just came out with this new chemical that can destroy Denver only using a cubic inch of it. The military is keeping it all locked up because if it gets to close to water it explode, and the force would create a crescent earth, maaan," Yeah, right, bullshit, or like this, "Dude, the air force has tracked Santa clause for like, 10 years now, he is real man. its all a cover up." or "The air force just made a plane that can bend light man. its completely invisible." now, this is just some of the shit I've heard, it makes me SICK And they aren't even in the frickin military nor do they know anyone that is even if it WAS true and like they would know about it! GAWD!! I HATE those PEOPLE!

026231 1998/1999? Eric Chat Log:

Jen - do you do any of that stuff now?
Eric - yeah, i am pretty familiar with computers right now. especially computer games..heheh.
Jen - you make games?
Eric - oh no. but I play a few games in particular a lot.
Jen - which games?
Eric - mostly doom2. but I play quake and quake2 and duke nukem also, ever heard of them?
Jen - nope, don't play computer games really
Eric - yeah, gee your weird, all the other girls I know are always on the computer!!! heheh. justkidin
Jen - sorry!
Eric - gawd jen.
Jen - what?
Eric - heh. nothing. but yeah, I'm usually doing something with doom2. but I love making graphics and stuff too



DYLAN:


026237 Eric's 1998 Yearbook - Book 2: HELL ON EARTH - Ahhhh, my favorite book. We, the gods, will have so much fun with NBK!! Killing enemies, blowing up stuff, killing cops!! My wrath for January’s incident20 will be godlike. Not to mention our revenge in the commons. GAWWWD sooo many people need to die. & now, a fun look at the past: (science-desk style) ((You know what I hate??? PEOPLE!! YEAA!!))

026415 ~after Jan 20 1999 - I hate this non-thinking stasis. I’m stuck in humanity. Maybe going “NBK” (gawd) with Eric is the way to break free. I hate this.

Eric wrote:

Yeah my parents buy most of my guns, every once in a while ill use my 4.000 dollar paycheck and buy a shotgun or 2.

Lol. I love Eric's sarcasm. It is very similar to my own.  

What interest me more than the "gawd" is that he stated "I hate this". Did he hate going on NBK? Or did he hate to going on NBK with Eric?

em81 wrote:

What interest me more than the "gawd" is that he stated "I hate this". Did he hate going on NBK? Or did he hate to going on NBK with Eric?

I think he meant he hated being inside of his own mind and not knowing what to do. I think he was torn between actually just killing himself right now or waiting and going through with NBK with Eric and dying that way. I don't think he meant he hated Eric or hated the idea of doing NBK with Eric.

em81 wrote:

What interest me more than the "gawd" is that he stated "I hate this". Did he hate going on NBK? Or did he hate to going on NBK with Eric?

I think he meant feeling like he was trapped in humanity.

em81 wrote:

What interest me more than the "gawd" is that he stated "I hate this". Did he hate going on NBK? Or did he hate to going on NBK with Eric?

Or was it directed at something else again? Dylan jumps back and forth and all over the place more times than I can count over the course of his writings. The sentence right before the "gawd"-one reads "I hate this non-thinking stasis; I'm stuck in humanity". It makes me think that maybe he directed the "I hate this" back at this part of the entry, as though he hated the fact that he was caught in this cage of the mortal coil. He ponders going NBK with Eric as a possible way to break free of it, stresses it with a "maybe", and punctuates it with a "gawd" because.. well.. because what? Because it shouldn't have to be this complicated? Because NBK grew over his head as much as it did over Eric's? Because this isn't quite exactly what Dylan had envisioned for himself?

thedragonrampant wrote:

em81 wrote:

What interest me more than the "gawd" is that he stated "I hate this". Did he hate going on NBK? Or did he hate to going on NBK with Eric?

Or was it directed at something else again? Dylan jumps back and forth and all over the place more times than I can count over the course of his writings. The sentence right before the "gawd"-one reads "I hate this non-thinking stasis; I'm stuck in humanity". It makes me think that maybe he directed the "I hate this" back at this part of the entry, as though he hated the fact that he was caught in this cage of the mortal coil. He ponders going NBK with Eric as a possible way to break free of it, stresses it with a "maybe", and punctuates it with a "gawd" because.. well.. because what? Because it shouldn't have to be this complicated? Because NBK grew over his head as much as it did over Eric's? Because this isn't quite exactly what Dylan had envisioned for himself?

I think your very last statement/question is probably the right one....I really don't think that NBK was really the way Dylan had wanted to exit this earth, it was just probably the most readily available and (w/Eric's assistance), the easiest...Dylan was nothing if not kinda lazy.

jettfyre80 wrote:

True. I was going on that theory because in his other writings, he used alternate spellings. Like using "z"s at the end of words.

Why would Dylan intentionally misspell words?

So I guess that maybe NBK wasn't plan A for Dylan.  It could've probably been plan Z lol  

819234 wrote:

So I guess that maybe NBK wasn't plan A for Dylan.  It could've probably been plan Z lol  

That is probably quite right, NBK ("gawd" lol) was just one (maybe somewhat undesirable) means to Dylan's literal end. And probably one which he could at least go out on his own terms.

Dylan has a habit of changing the normal order of sentences and is vague most of the time. However, I'll try to give my own interpretation, adjusting the sentence order. The original message was:

"Im stuck in humanity. maybe going “NBK" (gawd) w. eric is the way to break free. i hate this."--DK

Translating from Dylanish into somewhat more common speech:

"I'm stuck in humanity and I hate it. Gawd! Perhaps going NBK with Eric really is the way to brake free of this crap?!"

That's my interpretation. "Gawd" is just an exclamation used to stress strong emotions. "I hate this" refers to being stuck in humanity. "break free" refers to escaping being stuck in said humanity.

Sabratha wrote:

Dylan has a habit of changing the normal order of sentences and is vague most of the time. However, I'll try to give my own interpretation, adjusting the sentence order. The original message was:

"Im stuck in humanity. maybe going “NBK" (gawd) w. eric is the way to break free. i hate this."--DK

Translating from Dylanish into somewhat more common speech:

"I'm stuck in humanity and I hate it. Gawd! Perhaps going NBK with Eric really is the way to brake free of this crap?!"

That's my interpretation. "Gawd" is just an exclamation used to stress strong emotions. "I hate this" refers to being stuck in humanity. "break free" refers to escaping being stuck in said humanity.

Very interesting, I like what you have to say here, makes sense. Dylan's way of writing really was disjointed and disorganized, as were his thoughts. I think this all speaks to whatever diagnosis one may come up with for him, particularly schizophrenia, or more likely, schizotypal disorder.