The calm before the storm

We now enter a period, at this time of the year 15 years ago, where both Eric and Dylan are very quiet, according to their friends. As I reread passages in Brooks Brown's book and check in Eric's day planner, I wonder what was going through their mind, apart from their glee about making their plan happen.

Brooks writes about that period: '' The first thing I noticed about Eric was that he didn’t get angry nearly as easily anymore. Things that used to set off his temper would just make him chuckle now. He seemed calm, composed. As strange as this sounds today, he seemed a lot less prone to violence.’’

Brooks then recounts an incident where he was smoking a cigarette with his friends and "football players drove by, yelled something, and threw a glass bottle that shattered near Dylan’s feet. I was pissed, but Eric and Dylan didn’t even flinch. ''Don’t worry about it, man’’, Dylan said. ''It happens all the time’’.

Dylan and Eric also shrugged off a drug search done on their cars and lockers after someone reported them to school authorities, just to harass them.
Too bad they were able to manage their anger only because the thought of the massacre was at the back of their heads! It was not because they were better adjusted, more mature or had found a way to deal with their emotions. They were just biding their time. Was their quietness just a show to not get in trouble before their plan went into action? Or was it how they genuinely felt, knowing what was to happen?

In creative writing, Eric reads aloud in front of the class his story about a shotgun and a shotgun shell getting married and having ‘’pellets babies’’. Eric is a lot less shy during that period. Both he and Dylan are reportedly making Brooks laugh and are ‘’fun to be around in those final months’’. (pp.108-110, ''No Easy Answers’’).

Dylan writes his story about a revenge on jocks about six weeks before the "little judgement day’’, giving away a big clue as to what was coming up. He is mentally rehearsing what is to come. Dylan also decides against all expectations to go to prom and even rarer, to dance, even though he hates both parties and dancing.

During this period, Eric’s day planner is almost empty whereas it was full of notes before the holidays. Only in late March and early April are there some notes about clocks and other material for the shooting, some notes about hand signing during the massacre and a plan for the day of the shooting.

Both Eric and Dylan do not write in their diaries during this time. Dylan writes 5 days before the massacre and Eric writes his last diary entry on April 3rd, in a very subdued way that is unlike the rest of his diary. Calm, nostalgic, he is being more Eric than Reb. That entry is written in printscript instead of the cursive of the preceding entries.

And of course, they are busy preparing and making basement tapes in which they are far from calm and composed, but ranting and laughing and looking forward to their last day. A big show for those they knew would watch the tapes or a way to excite one another, to motivate each other. Off camera, they were as calm as can be, getting ready for that day.

This is kind of sad because they were preparing mentally for what was about to happen but for their behaviour above, was more difficult for their friends and family believe in what they did later.

Despite what we may believe from their thespian turns in Radioactive Clothing (see rik75's excellent thread in the documents section), this goes to show us that Eric and Dylan were actually rather good actors in real life. It is interest to think what was going on during this quiescent period, I suppose it was, as JayJay suggest, focused on their "other" tour-de-force performances in the basement tapes. It seems then, that they were all about acting out parts in both their social life and in their times together making their videos. The act they put on for friends and family were obviously much better.

And, you know, I think it became easier and yet harder to maintain the act as NBK got closer and closer. I think that there may have been a little more ease in shaking things off that would've otherwise been subject to a fit of rage at the very least. It seems to me that the anger, hatred, etc were all channelled into the thought of 'going NBK' rather than finding shorter explosive outlets like they usually did. I think it felt to their environment like they'd finally 'lightened up', maybe even matured, while they were really just relocating those emotions and building on them in what they felt was a safe and controlled method prior to the day itself. What I do find really interesting is that Eric acknowledges in his writing how difficult it is to keep on fooling everyone and that he actually makes mention of the 'mask' he had to put on. It seems to have been a very purposeful choice on his part to craft this image for himself. I also suspect that both boys struggled with not letting anything on until it was time -- Dylan's essay, Eric's lack of future plans, I don't know.. just the general feeling I get from those final weeks is a sense of excitement/peace on their part and finding it difficult to keep their mouth shut about it.

I do wonder, though, if the lack of journal entries was purposeful on their part or if we are just missing pages. I have been focusing on Eric's journal a lot lately and it feels very odd to me to see the December entry alongside the April entry without anything inbetween. It feels to me like I am missing a very crucial stage in his development toward NBK that even the transcripts of the basement tapes recorded in the time inbetween cannot fix. I go from a Reb running rampant to a pretty balanced-out but fragile symbiosis between Reb and Eric, which is troublesome and does very little to actually clarify what happened in the months 'missing' from the journal. At this point in my headfirst dive into the problem that is Eric Harris, I have the overwhelming sense that JeffCo is holding out on us and handpicked the entries we have access to. (Of course, I could also just be paranoid.   )

thedragonrampant wrote:

And, you know, I think it became easier and yet harder to maintain the act as NBK got closer and closer. I think that there may have been a little more ease in shaking things off that would've otherwise been subject to a fit of rage at the very least. It seems to me that the anger, hatred, etc were all channelled into the thought of 'going NBK' rather than finding shorter explosive outlets like they usually did. I think it felt to their environment like they'd finally 'lightened up', maybe even matured, while they were really just relocating those emotions and building on them in what they felt was a safe and controlled method prior to the day itself. What I do find really interesting is that Eric acknowledges in his writing how difficult it is to keep on fooling everyone and that he actually makes mention of the 'mask' he had to put on. It seems to have been a very purposeful choice on his part to craft this image for himself. I also suspect that both boys struggled with not letting anything on until it was time -- Dylan's essay, Eric's lack of future plans, I don't know.. just the general feeling I get from those final weeks is a sense of excitement/peace on their part and finding it difficult to keep their mouth shut about it.

I do wonder, though, if the lack of journal entries was purposeful on their part or if we are just missing pages. I have been focusing on Eric's journal a lot lately and it feels very odd to me to see the December entry alongside the April entry without anything inbetween. It feels to me like I am missing a very crucial stage in his development toward NBK that even the transcripts of the basement tapes recorded in the time inbetween cannot fix. I go from a Reb running rampant to a pretty balanced-out but fragile symbiosis between Reb and Eric, which is troublesome and does very little to actually clarify what happened in the months 'missing' from the journal. At this point in my headfirst dive into the problem that is Eric Harris, I have the overwhelming sense that JeffCo is holding out on us and handpicked the entries we have access to. (Of course, I could also just be paranoid.   )

I don't think you are being paranoid at all; I have always thought that were are missing MAJOR parts of both boys' journals, because I feel there is just too many gaps in the dates and I believe the boys were pretty dedicated to their writings, for different reasons. Thanks for reminding us all of this important point; it's like trying to look through a very dirty and smudged window into the interior lives of these boys---nothing is entirely clear or lucid.

thedragonrampant wrote:

It seems to me that the anger, hatred, etc were all channelled into the thought of 'going NBK' rather than finding shorter explosive outlets like they usually did. I think it felt to their environment like they'd finally 'lightened up', maybe even matured, while they were really just relocating those emotions and building on them in what they felt was a safe and controlled method prior to the day itself. What I do find really interesting is that Eric acknowledges in his writing how difficult it is to keep on fooling everyone and that he actually makes mention of the 'mask' he had to put on.

Yes, indeed if they could channel their anger into their revenge, they may not have had too much of a hard time to keep the lid on it. All their rage reportedly showed in the basement tapes according the the transcript and testimonies, everything of their emotions channeled underground in those tapes, probably in their conversations and in their planning, in fantasizing about it in essays and stories, in video production and in dreams.

Maybe the mask they built became almost like a second nature, not always comfortable but, at least familiar. Just showing through the cracks a little bit of what was going to happen seemed to release some of the tension.

I do wonder if they matured during that quiet period. If they had matured, they would have reconsidered, no? But then, if they did mature, that could explain the lack of diary entries that are more private in nature. I think it makes sense in a way to have missing entries from that time. They're facing their own mortality and an extremely violent gesture that just became very REAL in their minds once they get the guns.

Eric writes in a school essay during that last term that a lot of his ideas ''have changed in the recent months''. Was he just spouting off more lies or was he covertly saying something true about his change of mind? We'll have to wonder from Monday through Sunday because we don't know what he meant by that.

We know when Eric is recording a ''BT'' alone, he becomes nostalgic. When they are both recording themselves, they rant and rave: it's a big show and they sustain each other in their project. If they matured, it is not visible to us because they ultimately decided they could not back off (maybe because of each other?) and they did not cancel their plan.

thedragonrampant wrote:

just the general feeling I get from those final weeks is a sense of excitement/peace on their part and finding it difficult to keep their mouth shut about it.

In the "Breakfast Run" vid that was made 1 day before the attack, Dylan is snapping his fingers and whistling a happy little tune. When I first saw this vid I had a hard time believing that it could have been made so close to NBK. Now when I watch it I just get the sense that Dylan was really looking forward to leaving this world. Especially at around 5:41 in the vid.

gustopoet wrote:

thedragonrampant wrote:

just the general feeling I get from those final weeks is a sense of excitement/peace on their part and finding it difficult to keep their mouth shut about it.

In the "Breakfast Run" vid that was made 1 day before the attack, Dylan is snapping his fingers and whistling a happy little tune. When I first saw this vid I had a hard time believing that it could have been made so close to NBK. Now when I watch it I just get the sense that Dylan was really looking forward to leaving this world. Especially at around 5:41 in the vid.

Yeah, it's insane how well they managed to hide their intentions from everyone. For me Dylan seems detached from reality, secretly dreaming of being at peace. Btw do you think the lady in the video got scared of the driver (I think it was Mike?) banging on the wheel

maninthebox wrote:

Yeah, it's insane how well they managed to hide their intentions from everyone. For me Dylan seems detached from reality, secretly dreaming of being at peace. Btw do you think the lady in the video got scared of the driver (I think it was Mike?) banging on the wheel

I would have thought it was Zach, because he's ''driving like crap''. But it's Dustin Gorton at the wheel. Eric Johnson (not Veik) is filming and Eric Harris is supposed to be in the backseat as well.

The lady probably did not realize the driver banged on the wheel.

JayJay wrote:

maninthebox wrote:

Yeah, it's insane how well they managed to hide their intentions from everyone. For me Dylan seems detached from reality, secretly dreaming of being at peace. Btw do you think the lady in the video got scared of the driver (I think it was Mike?) banging on the wheel

I would have thought it was Zach, because he's ''driving like crap''. But it's Dustin Gorton at the wheel. Eric Johnson (not Veik) is filming and Eric Harris is supposed to be in the backseat as well.

The lady probably did not realize the driver banged on the wheel.

Harris is in the backseat?Really, I never noticed  I can never keep track of their friends in the home videos with their faces blurred and a million of Erics present at the same time  

Erics are cool. Mikes too.

JayJay wrote:

Erics are cool. Mikes too.

 

maninthebox wrote:

JayJay wrote:

maninthebox wrote:

Yeah, it's insane how well they managed to hide their intentions from everyone. For me Dylan seems detached from reality, secretly dreaming of being at peace. Btw do you think the lady in the video got scared of the driver (I think it was Mike?) banging on the wheel

I would have thought it was Zach, because he's ''driving like crap''. But it's Dustin Gorton at the wheel. Eric Johnson (not Veik) is filming and Eric Harris is supposed to be in the backseat as well.

The lady probably did not realize the driver banged on the wheel.

Harris is in the backseat?Really, I never noticed  I can never keep track of their friends in the home videos with their faces blurred and a million of Erics present at the same time  

Dustin Gorton states that himself, Harris and Klebold made a video tape at Eric Jacksons residence on 4/19. pg(10736)
Gordon says he made a video tape of Harris and Klebold on 4/19 as a "looking video." He said he and his friend Eric Jackson filmed them for their "looking video assignment." pg(10745)

(Breakfast Run Video)- Eric Jackson saw Klebold on Monday at Jacksons home, they filmed a "breakfast" video for Dylan's school project called "American Dream." Jackson said Dylan was concerned about his grades. pg(10770) The driver in the video Dustin Gorton confirms he saw Klebold on 4/19 where himself and Klebold were filmed by Eric Jackson. pg(10734) 'Adv Video' class was 3rd period for Dylan. As we can see from the video footage, Dylan went to burger King then drove back to the school.
It sounds like there were two videos made the morning of 4/19, The Breakfast video (with Klebold, Jackson and Gorton) then a separate video filmed by Jackson and Gordon featuring Eric and Dylan.

queenfarooq, thanks for clearing that up!

queenfarooq wrote:

It sounds like there were two videos made the morning of 4/19, The Breakfast video (with Klebold, Jackson and Gorton) then a separate video filmed by Jackson and Gordon featuring Eric and Dylan.

Wow, I would love to see this other video made on 4/19, featuring Eric and Dylan. I don't suppose anyone has heard about the disposition of this particular video?

JayJay wrote:

Off camera, they were as calm as can be, getting ready for that day.

There's a Reddit chat archive out there on the web where Brooks Brown describes that the boys were "Really calm and zen-like. for 4 months prior." To me that is an astonishing amount of time to keep quiet about something and it really throws a monkey wrench into the idea that either of them were hesitant.

Here's a link to the archived chat:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Hope it's OK to post that link.

I am always amazed at this video as well as video from the theater, where Dylan, Brooks and Zach. Dylan looks so relaxed and happy in these videos, not a shadow of hint of what he was going to do. I mean, why do they manage to keep that icy calm, have fun, look into the eyes of these people who may soon die because of their fault? Again, Eric just a few minutes before the tragedy speaks with Brooks and tells him to go home (according to Brooks).
The only videos where it is known that boys are significantly worried it was filmed 30 minutes before the tragedy.
I'm still trying to find a rational explanation (except that such behavior is typical for psychopaths). Maybe they got so wrapped up in their ideas that nothing else they no longer cared. Plunged so that reality became like a mist, like a dream, as something that stands between them and their goal. Maybe they are so convinced themselves that they must do that they do not have no remorse, no regret, no doubt.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]: I think there is a disconnection from the idea to the actual action. These are guys that planned their action with ideas from video games (bombs along the columns in the school to make the second level fall, apparently that's from Doom). They may still have thought they were in a video game at least up to the day of the massacre. Reality and fiction blur until they cannot possibly escape their own plan... or each other.

JayJay wrote:

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]: I think there is a disconnection from the idea to the actual action. These are guys that planned their action with ideas from video games (bombs along the columns in the school to make the second level fall, apparently that's from Doom). They may still have thought they were in a video game at least up to the day of the massacre. Reality and fiction blur until they cannot possibly escape their own plan... or each other.

This is well said. I also agree with Love's idea that reality was almost in the way. As a result, they disconnected from reality and lived in their shared fantasy. They were completely absorbed by the idea of it while at the same time, not really seeing it for what it was. A reporter who viewed the basement tapes wrote, "in watching the two, talking about their attack, showing off their weapons, and suiting up for the assault it was so clear they had divorced themselves from the reality of the murders they were about to commit."

And yet behind this outward calm was hiding a deep inner excitement, maybe somewhere on a subconscious level. Dylan suffered from depression for a long time, maybe even before he started keeping a diary. But noticeable weight loss has occurred over the last year.