Columbine students write about love, losses and lessons in May 1999

Interesting article I thought I'd share. What surprises me is that only one student expresses anger towards E &D even though this was only a month later.



May 23, 1999


How Carnage in Our Hallways Scarred Us, and Made Us Better People



his is the time of year when high school graduates scrawl happy and tender sentiments in each other's yearbooks. But nothing so innocent and uncomplicated could suffice at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., scene of the United States' worst student shooting rampage a month ago.
With four Columbine seniors, including the two killers, among those lost to the violence, the school's Class of '99 prepared for a bittersweet graduation Saturday -- capping a week in which a new school shooting in Georgia added further urgency to efforts to control firearms.
Earlier, some Columbine seniors had marked their difficult passage in another way: A teacher, Thomas E. Johnson, had his senior psychology students write essays on how they had been affected by the April 20 massacre -- in which two alienated seniors, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, killed 12 students and a teacher before committing suicide.
Some of those who submitted essays had survived the rampage by hiding in the library or an office. Others knew the killers as classmates in one of Johnson's psychology classes. Others had been close to one or another victim. Many wrote that their lives had been profoundly changed. Excerpts follow.
-- TOM KUNTZ

From Aaron Welsh:
Before I can go through what I learned from the tragedy at Columbine High School on April 20, I would like to retrace the incident. When it started, I was in the library doing homework for history class. I was at a desk in the middle section when a teacher came running into the library. She ran behind the main desk and told us to get under our desks.
While under the desk, I could hear gunshots and explosions in the commons below the library. ... Very soon after, Eric and Dylan entered the library. Dylan stopped by the main desk and shot behind it. I don't know if he was shooting at the phone or the teacher. He then joined Eric by the computer desks. They started systematically shooting under desks and laughing about what they had done.
They walked across the section I was in and into the reference section, where they shot more people under the desks. Eric moved back to the computer desks to reload his shotgun while Dylan came up the middle section and walked by the desk I was under. He never saw me. ...
After the incident, I had time to reflect on what happened. I realized that I could have been one of the students who didn't make it out alive. When I realized this, I started to wonder about how I would be remembered; how friends and family would see my life. Would they say I lived my life to the fullest ...?

From Janelle Behan:
At first when this happened, people kept telling me that "Everything happens for a reason." That line made me so angry. How could there ever be a reason for something like this to happen, and what good could ever come from it? Well, as each day goes by now, I am seeing more and more good that is coming from it. ...
Some of the good began even before everything was over, while I still was in the choir office with 60 other students. There were people I hardly knew who were comforting me, hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be OK. There was a group of about six boys who literally saved all of our lives. If it hadn't been for all of them, none of us would have known what to do. It was kind of funny, because many of these boys are thought of as goofy kids in everyday life. But they had taken the panels out of the ceiling to lift girls through who couldn't breathe, and they kept all of us quiet so that we couldn't be heard outside. I learned that many people at school who I thought I really didn't like, I love them all! ...

From Janna Buchl:
My life style will forever be changed. I am jumpy at certain things. For instance, I went to Elitch's ((an amusement park)) a few days ago, and a balloon popped while I was standing in line to get on the Mind Eraser. I immediately ducked into a fetal position, covering the back of my neck with my hands. Everyone started to laugh at me, until I told them that I was a Columbine student. I felt so stupid.
Other things, even very small things, alarm me more than they used to. I walk very cautiously down the sidewalks now for no apparent reason. And I shudder at the sight of guns my father keeps locked up (for hunting purposes only). ...
The biggest changes come from my family. My birthday was on April 25, and the day after, I was planning on moving out of my house and moving in with my friend. I had everything planned out: I would get a tattoo and my parents would kick me out. I started to pack my things on the 19th. When the tragedy happened, I started to unpack my things. I had decided to stay with the ones who cared about me the most -- my parents and my sister. They have been with me every single step of the way -- through the tears and the anger, and of not knowing if all the people I knew were OK. Now, after everything that has happened, I do not want to leave, even for college. I am afraid of what might happen out in the world by myself.

From Denise Barrett:
A bunch of friends and I got tattoos recently. All of the girls except for one got a Columbine flower. Many of them had the words "CHS 4/20/99" put on the tattoo. I didn't want that. ... To put those words on something that symbolized Columbine was to say I will only remember this day, and I didn't want to be bound only to something that horrid. I want to see the Columbine flower and remember all the happy times in high school.

From Patrice Doyle:
I do not believe I will ever understand what those horrible boys were thinking. That is what bugs me the most, what were they thinking? This tragedy, though, has taught me many things.
The way I live my life has come into my head many times. Am I doing the right thing always? Am I making people feel bad by the way I am treating them? I know joking is a part of life, but I will never make fun of someone unjokingly again. I hope many kids see, instead of just hearing about it, how much teasing can hurt a person.

From Kendra Curry:
I don't care what people think about Eric and Dylan. I forgave them a long time ago! It's not my place to judge them, only God's place. ... God does everything for a reason and I know why He did this. God did this because He wanted us all to wake up and realize not to judge or hurt other people.

From Pam Glazner:
In my experience coping with this event thus far, I have reflected upon my own way of life and decided a few changes are necessary. I, as a rule, am tense and I tend to forget to enjoy simple pleasures because I am so busy. I also tend to stress out and get upset over relatively minute details. Lauren Townsend, my friend who died in the library at CHS, was a very studious and hard-working girl, yet she also found time to fit in pleasure, without stressing herself too much. I hope to learn from her example, now knowing all too well how quickly life can escape us.

From Rachel Goodwin:
Why Lauren? What did she ever do in her life to deserve such a fate? Why did this have to happen? Why not me? I remember feeling pain and sorrow, but not as much as the guilt.
I should have been in the library with them. I should have gone looking for her to go out to lunch with me. I should have ... What if ... All the while blaming myself for her death.
Then the funeral. I think that this event was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do; to bury a best friend, a teammate, a future roommate, a child cut down before she could even experience life. Seeing her parents there broke my heart completely in two. They were so strong, so caring about us and how we were doing. Why couldn't that strength find me?
I remember our last goodbye to her; our volleyball team had worn our ribbons to her funeral. Lauren's favorite -- our neon green-and-blue polka dot ribbons that never gave us the luck we wished for, but nonetheless were our favorites. During the service, we all took them out of our hair, went up to her coffin and placed them on the flowers that adorned the coffin. She was buried with them. ...
I will forever miss the good times we shared; the fun we had going to volleyball games in the bus, singing until our faces were blue, going out to eat at a restaurant and getting in a food fight, the private and personal inside jokes that we shared, that we would laugh hysterically at while others looked on, probably thinking, "What weirdos." ...
These memories of Lauren will never leave me. ... I look forward to the day when I can see her smiling face again, reminisce on old times, share our inside jokes again, laugh until tears run down our faces and our cheeks and stomachs hurt, and finally tell her how much I really love her, now and forever

I know one of the Creative Writing teachers at Columbine had kids do the same exercise (and Marla Foust wrote sweetly about Dylan). Was this an exercise they had the whole school do?

On a side note, the excerpt from Rachel Goodwin just made me cry sitting here. Granted, I graduated in 2011, but an old friend I was very close to in high school committed suicide a few weeks ago after being addicted to meth for a couple years. He was one of my best friends from 9th-11th grade and the stuff about blaming herself and the funeral and wanting to see her again and especially the jokes between them - my friend was class clown, and everyone at school liked him - hit me right in the heart.

i love the ones which Kendra Curry wrote.

WendlaBergman wrote:

I know one of the Creative Writing teachers at Columbine had kids do the same exercise (and Marla Foust wrote sweetly about Dylan). Was this an exercise they had the whole school do?

On a side note, the excerpt from Rachel Goodwin just made me cry sitting here. Granted, I graduated in 2011, but an old friend I was very close to in high school committed suicide a few weeks ago after being addicted to meth for a couple years. He was one of my best friends from 9th-11th grade and the stuff about blaming herself and the funeral and wanting to see her again and especially the jokes between them - my friend was class clown, and everyone at school liked him - hit me right in the heart.

I have to say that I don't know.

I'm sorry for your loss. Very sad what happened to your friend.I hope you are doing ok.

em81 wrote:

i love the ones which Kendra Curry wrote.

Me too:)

Rachel Goodwin's sister Danielle also lost a best friend in Kelly Fleming.