Dylan being suicidal?

We all know Dylan was struggling with deep depression and had been suicidal for years. I'm not sure if this has been discussed in depth, but I have always wondered why he didn't just kill himself. His journal showed a clear downward spiral. In his writings he shows no signs of getting better. It was like he lost more of himself, and his grip on reality with each entry. If Dylan was wanting to die and finally be at peace, to be free, then what was the reason of not just ending it?

From the way he talks about death you would think he was ready and eager to die, but to our knowledge he never attempted it.  What are your thoughts on why Dylan had to have something of Columbine's magnitude to finally go though with his suicide?

I have a few thoughts. I think one factor was his anger. He didn't just hate nearly everything about himself, he hated so many external factors. He and Eric I believe fed off of each other and he was good at turning it on and off. Another reason I wish we could see the Basement Tapes is I would love to see how Dylan is around Eric (just talking and being friends, not planning the massacre or making a video like Hitmen for Hire) VS videos we see with him just talking to Brooks and Nate.

The more I go through the journals it sounds like he wanted to go down in a blaze of glory. He needed a huge reason to kill himself. Point of no return.

Also I know for me, when I have been suicidal and planning for it. Even sometimes now, but my depression takes over I start planning then I get a glimmer of hope or possibility. Or I realize "I can't because it's close to my moms birthday" or something like that.

I also morbidly wonder why Dylan didn't shoot himself the way Eric did. I wonder if there is a reason why people choose to die in certain ways. Dylan was one of the only ones who died that day who was able to have an open casket.

Screamingophelia wrote:

Another reason I wish we could see the Basement Tapes is I would love to see how Dylan is around Eric (just talking and being friends, not planning the massacre or making a video like Hitmen for Hire)  VS videos we see with him just talking to Brooks and Nate.

As much as I would like to see the basement tapes, I really don't think we would get a accurate portrayal of Eric and Dylan's true personalities from them. We would only get what they wanted their audience to see. The whole point of the basement tapes was for E&D to showcase themselves and their reasons for NBK.

Good point, good point. It does sound like a lot of posturing. I bet he was no different in public with Eric than he was with anyone else. Dylan seems to either have hidden that side of himself really well or his friends haven't talked about certain things. I assume if I were either of their friends I wouldn't spread every little thing we spoke about or any feeling I had ever had about them.

I'm trying to remember what we knew back when it first happened. A lot of the angry writings that came out that first year or 2 I attributed to Eric, but it was Dylan. I think the whole Dylan as a depressed follower has been around for a while. I took a good 10 years off of ANYTHING Columbine related so I could be wrong (I may have at one time been a slight EH fangirl.... I was young) . I remember stumbling upon the suicide photos (as one does) and thinking it was fake. I eventually gave in and listened to "A Mothers Reckoning" found this site and have been inundated with information. Dylan's anger is new to me. I always thought most of the angry writings and rants were Eric.

Sorry, went off topic. I think Dylan's anger stopped him from just killing himself. He may not have wanted to give people the satisfaction of him just dying, he wanted to say a big "F Off" to humanity. I'm speculating of course.

**There were other victims who had open caskets at their memorials/funerals besides Dylan.

Some people's suicidal thoughts will blend with homicidal thoughts. So, they will kill others and then kill themselves.

Murder-Suicide is quite common among spree killers and mass murderers but no so common among serial killers.

Screamingophelia wrote:

I think Dylan's anger stopped him from just killing himself. He may not have wanted to give people the satisfaction of him just dying, he wanted to say a big "F Off" to humanity. I'm speculating of course.

Both E&D expressed hate towards many things, but I still feel that Dylan's only goal was to die. In my opinion, he didn't care about kick starting a revolution as Eric stated. He may have merely went along with that mentality, but he just wanted to die. Which still leaves more questions then answers on why he didn't just kill himself in the years before Columbine.

That remains an excellent question. He even writes something to the extent of "I'm still here, this shit again" he seems disappointed that he isn't dead, but he could have ended his life if he chose.

That's probably what kicked started SK to become an advocate for brain health and suicide.

I mentioned the open casket thing only in regards to how Eric and Dylan killed themselves. I wonder why Eric decided to blow his whole face off and Dylan chose his temple. Making it "easier" for his family..

My friend hung himself but I lived 3000 miles away so I didn't go to his funeral, I never asked if it was open casket. My brothers best friend had a closed casket, he died from playing russian roulette.

Sorry that's getting quite morose.

Screamingophelia wrote:

That remains an excellent question. He even writes something to the extent of "I'm still here, this shit again" he seems disappointed that he isn't dead, but he could have ended his life if he chose.

That's probably what kicked started SK to become an advocate for brain health and suicide.

I mentioned the open casket thing only in regards to how Eric and Dylan killed themselves. I wonder why Eric decided to blow his whole face off and Dylan chose his temple. Making it "easier" for his family..

My friend hung himself but I lived 3000 miles away so I didn't go to his funeral, I never asked if it was open casket. My brothers best friend had a closed casket, he died from playing russian roulette.

Sorry that's getting quite morose.

Its really anyone's guess, but I think Eric just used the most powerful gun he had. Maybe Dylan did use the Tec 9 as a way to make it easier on his family after seeing the aftermath of Eric's suicide.

I'm sorry about your friend.

Perhaps and thank you.

Screamingophelia wrote:

I mentioned the open casket thing only in regards to how Eric and Dylan killed themselves. I wonder why Eric decided to blow his whole face off and Dylan chose his temple. Making it "easier" for his family..

Possibly, Eric just didn't have that in mind. He wanted to end himself instantly, and a shotgun shell was straight to the point. I am not sure why Dylan's choice was a temple shot with a 9mm, but yeah, it could be because of an open casket funeral.

Ironically said - Dylan seem to have been a bit more dramatical than Eric - who seems to have focused more on effectivity.

Maybe Dylan really wished to not look so horrible after his death. Maybe he did not have such a good understanding of how to die instantly as Eric did. We will never know.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] sorry for your loss, also for your brothers'.

I wonder if Dylan had given much thought to a quick death and simply thought that a bullet to the temple would be instant death like in the movies.

Because he would've, but wasn't mentally ready to. Then one day reb and him came up with the idea to kill their bullies.

Also, Dylan used the Tec-9 because he looked at the D.B shotgun and thought "how the fuck am i supposed to kill myself with that"

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While suicide is a cowardly way out, it does actually take courage to go through with it.

Dylan wanted to put himself in a position where there was no going back, basically forcing him to kill himself or go to prison. He also probably wanted to do something he'd be remembered for.

spinvault wrote:

I wonder if Dylan had given much thought to a quick death and simply thought that a bullet to the temple would be instant death like in the movies.

I am sure he probably thought something like that. Mainly thinking that any gun shot to the head would have killed him instantly. Also maybe his delayed suicide was just long enough to see what the use of a shot gun would do to him and he thought "Nah, the Tec 9 will do the trick, with less mess."

W.A.R. wrote:

Dylan wanted to put himself in a position where there was no going back, basically forcing him to kill himself or go to prison.

I agree with that, prison was never an option for either Eric or Dylan. They always intended to die, either by a shoot out with police, or by suicide. I mean they went to the cafeteria and tried to make the propane tanks explode by shooting at them, tossing a pipe bomb at them etc. Knowing if they were successful, they would likely be killed in the blast. Incarceration was never an outcome that E&D ever discussed or wanted to our knowledge.

W.A.R. wrote:

While suicide is a cowardly way out, it does actually take courage to go through with it.

Dylan wanted to put himself in a position where there was no going back, basically forcing him to kill himself or go to prison. He also probably wanted to do something he'd be remembered for.

This is my thought. Dylan mentioned suicide over and over, but when he was in the comfort of his own home and more importantly when he was alone with only his thoughts to occupy him I think he was far too scared. I think he did still hold out some hope of his life getting better.

When he went thru with the shooting, there was no going back. It was death or prison. I think Dylan knew he wouldn't make it in prison

I agree with both of you.

He also wrote in his journal that his mind never stops. That's one of the reasons that stopped me from suicide when I had thoughts of ending my life. Just figuring out how or when to do it was exhausting.