My words, now in video format! Whee!

Thank you, I needed to hear that!

Amanda, thank you for sharing your story and pay no attention to the trolls behind the curtain. As someone who has also suffered from PTSD, I admire your courage.

Amanda,

It is difficult to know for certain whether the fool saying such hideous things to you is a member here or not, to be as honest as possible. There are lurkers here, and some of it is in complete innocence. But the point is, it is not possible to know for sure if they're from here or not, unfortunately.

However, no matter where this person is from, they have no business saying such vile things to you or anyone else affected by this massacre.

I do have to tell you that I just recently peeked on tumblr this past weekend, and they got hold of your channel and posted it in that "tag" of theirs. (I have been avoiding tumblr like the plague for a few months now. I have been dealing with some horrible things of my own as of late, and I simply cannot tolerate looking at that swill any longer.....even before these personal things happened, that revolting site/tag was way too stale and nauseating for me, so I was staying away.)

Whether or not there is any correlation between them getting hold of it, and these posts to your videos is also unknown.

You truly are very brave, and you need to do this for yourself, and I am so happy that you are, for your own sake.

You are much stronger than you think, and I know, in my own way, how it is to have the deeply inherent need to just let everything that is weighing on your soul out, and hoping that someone will simply listen. I am not as courageous as you are, though, and I haven't been through half of what you have been through. I wish I had the guts to just record my own voice (let alone my face) and let everything out, and just know that someone was listening.

I am really sorry that these people are doing this. They are sheer misery incarnate, and just remember that while they may feel "better" about themselves for 30 seconds when they say these sickening things to you, they are worse off than you will be or ever have been deep down inside. No matter what you've been through, you're still a beautiful person and soul. We don't have to know you in person to be aware of that. Even before you made these videos we were aware of that.

I hope you raise all the money you need and then some for your academic needs, and I will help whenever I possibly can. I really want you to exceed your goal.

Feeling ill after recording these.

Part 8a: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Part 8b: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Amanda, I'm so sorry you were so alone during that time. So many things you talked about were making me rage internally (not at you) and I just can't even form a thoughtful comment about it right now.

Anyway, I hope you feel at least a little lighter after talking about it and I hope you have fun at Dragon Con!

Oh, feel free to rage on. I'd love to have somebody rage with me!

Well, okay, I'm sorry if this is offensive because I know your mom is still your family, but just, why couldn't she just kick him out of your house? Why did she only care that you made her look like a bad mom by asking for help? Why did she let him visit and move in in the first place?! I could be missing details on that part, but I remember that when I was younger (I'm 21 now) and the internet was just starting to become something everyone used, there was a huge paranoia about talking to strangers and meeting them in real life. I know she was preoccupied with your dad and was maybe glad to have some help taking care of him, but I just can't fathom that she knew what he was doing to you and did nothing. No amount of help is worth your child's well-being. And she kept in contact with him after and made you talk to him again?!

It just makes me so sad for you, because I was abused too (much different context and age) and I know how it feels to be ignored when you're telling people you just want him away from you, but they just force you to see him anyway, but for me it was strangers doing it. I can't imagine how terrible it must feel to have your own mom not try to protect you.

I've debated for such a long time about whether to bring up what she said to me. But I feel like she'll either deny saying it or not remember saying it, or both, or accuse me of misremembering what she said (she's done that more than once).

And Mike didn't really help with Dad at all. Heck, one thing I remembered after I stopped recording was that there was one day where I had to change Dad's catheter, and Mike got all butthurt because he wanted HIS penis to be the first I'd see, not my dad's. (Well, the catheter thing kinda HAD to get done, so...)

Ahh, when you know someone will react like that instead of trying to resolve anything, it's probably best to spare yourself the anger you'll feel when she denies it or flips it around on you. I don't know if you frequent reddit, and I know I don't have enough information about your mom to make this assumption (so I'm not making one, just offering a resource), but you might want to check out reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists since I've noticed that a lot of people there experience the same thing when they try to confront their parents about hurtful things they've done.

Also, holy shit. What a tool. Because I'm sure you were sooo excited about having to deal with your dad's penis >.< So yeah, there is no possible excuse for why he couldn't be kicked out. Even if he had nowhere to go, for one he'd deserve that and for two it'd be better that he lived in his car than continue to abuse you.

Cathing my dad was child's play compared to the diarrhea explosions I had to clean up several times. Ahem. (Yay for hospital-grade soap!)

Part 9a:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Part 9b:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Can't wait to watch!

Part 10a:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Part 10b:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

And yes I'm spaced out in 10b, for obvious reasons.

Im just watching your episodes, this is fantastic, very in depth and detailed which is great, Well there is my afternoon sorted.

This was just heartbreaking, Amanda. So sorry for the loss of your big brother.

Part 11 (because no more time limits!):
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

Having some technical issues at the moment. YouTube is blocking me from using my Google+ account to upload to YT anymore (I'm still able to make comments on my videos via my phone though).

Thank you so much for sharing your videos with the world. That is what brought me to this message board, I was looking for survivors who were willing to tell the world what they saw, in the raw format. I love how you can recollect the smallest details, that really helps me try and picture myself in your place and think about what might have been going through my mind.

Please keep sharing with us, I hope you are well!

I guess I didn't update this post with the fact that I'm still making videos under a (slightly) different handle on YT. I hope you caught those videos as well, FlyerFan

I'm under some financial stress (understatement...), and continue to suffer from some PTSD from my car accident several months ago. Can't wait for this year to be over.

(Help appreciated =P )

Yumeko-chan wrote:

I guess I didn't update this post with the fact that I'm still making videos under a (slightly) different handle on YT.  I hope you caught those videos as well, FlyerFan

I'm under some financial stress (understatement...), and continue to suffer from some PTSD from my car accident several months ago.  Can't wait for this year to be over.

(Help appreciated =P )

Yes I did find the other videos. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I flipped a car back in 2009 and to this day I cannot drive down that same road, if I am in a car with someone else who takes that road I cling to the door handle for dear life. I also suffered a concussion in the crash and messed up my knee, so when the weather is cold enough they both ache and it causes me a lot of pain.

I wish I could send you more Yuki... I just lost my job and am broke for a bit... Once I get back on the feet I'll send you a bit more.

Thank you for sharing your videos Amanda

Cool series. Anyone know if any first hand survivors shared their experience on you tube or anywhere on the internet?

slippy123 wrote:

Cool series. Anyone know if any first hand survivors shared their experience on you tube or anywhere on the internet?

She is a first hand survivor, she was in the library.

FlyerFan wrote:

slippy123 wrote:

Cool series. Anyone know if any first hand survivors shared their experience on you tube or anywhere on the internet?

She is a first hand survivor, she was in the library.

I know, I'm asking if any other people have shared their story. I should have wrote "any other".

slippy123 wrote:

FlyerFan wrote:

slippy123 wrote:

Cool series. Anyone know if any first hand survivors shared their experience on you tube or anywhere on the internet?

She is a first hand survivor, she was in the library.

I know, I'm asking if any other people have shared their story. I should have wrote "any other".

ohh okay, I don't know of any others on this board but you can find some stories and articles through Google, but not very many are the first hand accounts, most of them are just people who were there, they may not have necessarily witnessed as much but their stories are still heart wrenching to read for me because it just proves how many people are affected by things like this.

FlyerFan wrote:

slippy123 wrote:

FlyerFan wrote:

slippy123 wrote:

Cool series. Anyone know if any first hand survivors shared their experience on you tube or anywhere on the internet?

She is a first hand survivor, she was in the library.

I know, I'm asking if any other people have shared their story. I should have wrote "any other".

ohh okay, I don't know of any others on this board but you can find some stories and articles through Google, but not very many are the first hand accounts, most of them are just people who were there, they may not have necessarily witnessed as much but their stories are still heart wrenching to read for me because it just proves how many people are affected by things like this.

I've read up on tons of stuff I found through google, but nothing can compare to someone who actually survived the library and made a detailed video about it! So thank you to Amanda for all the videos!

Yes, it is really good to be able to hear from her directly about what happened

Thank you again Amanda ... and I hope you are ok, message me anytime if you want.

I'm better today than I was yesterday, though I have a feeling if I try to talk about it I'll cry again =/

Yumeko-chan wrote:

I'm better today than I was yesterday, though I have a feeling if I try to talk about it I'll cry again =/

That's okay, it's better to actually get emotions out instead of holding them all in...as you've already seen and survived first hand what happens when people hold them all in!

Amanda, I only just recently watched your YouTube postings, and I wanted to both thank you and congratulate you for your courage in doing this. From an historical perspective, this first-person account of yours is invaluable and now an integral piece of documentation in the study of this case. I'm sure I'm not the only one who both admires and thanks you, and is wishing you well on the long road to recovering your life. All the best!

Thank you very much!