How has researching the shooting affected you?

I have been a lurker here after stumbling upon the forum while doing some research and after going through a lot of the threads thought that this would be a great community to be a part of. This is my first official post and I appreciate to have a place to discuss my thoughts as it is sort of a strange topic to bring up in "real life."

I am curious how researching the shooting has affected you? I am a relatively new researcher and have been at it just over a year, but I definitely feel down the rabbit hole. For background, I was about 13 when Columbine happened. What I remember most at the time was the backlash and zero tolerance policy as I pretty much looked like I could have been friends with Dylan and Eric and was into a lot of the same things they were. I was pretty angry at the time, and someone turned me in for a supposed hit list and I almost got kicked out school. I didn't have a list and it was a pretty scary experience. I remember being aware of Columbine through out my life and catching bits of media here and there, but not really thinking much about it. Then last year I was looking for books to read through reviews on NPR and Cullen's book popped up (I know, ugh) and I picked it up to read.

It smacked me in the face how much I related to Dylan. At first it freaked me out that I related so much to someone who had done such a terrible thing, but as I researched more and understood more that bothered me less and less and I just saw him as a person. But the more I research, the more it all weighs on me. What a tragedy all around. So many things could have stopped so much pain.

Someone asked a question on here about why those who have "romantic" feelings for Eric or Dylan have them. Especially us "older ladies." The responses were interesting. And it made me really think about it and also feel less alone and look outside of myself. A lot of it for us "older folk" I think is that we were teens in 1999. A lot of us relate very heavily to their thoughts, interests and feelings. I was a misfit. I was of a darker mindset. I struggle(d) with depression. I felt alienated. I got bullied. I liked the same music. The same movies. I didn't fit in physically or mentally in any way. It was a certain period of time specific to then.

Reading their journals, watching their videos, the years of research..they help us feel like we "know" them. We relate to them. We see your personalities and senses of humor. Our heart aches knowing what was to become of people who seem genuinely relatable and likeable to us. Someone we could see ourselves enjoying being around when we ourselves were that age. Especially back then, it was so hard to find anyone to relate to.

For me now, in particular, as someone who also wished for a meaningful romantic connection on all levels, I just wish I could have met someone like Dylan. I gave up on the idea of romance long ago because I truly stopped believing that what I was looking for in another human and in a relationship even existed. When I read his writings and learned and kept learning about him it was a slap in the face. Wow! Someone who felt the way I did, thought the way I did, was looking for the things I was, all almost verbatim, did exist. If one person like that existed. I am sure at least one other person did too. And I missed out on that. I stopped looking. I settled for being unknown. I know a lot of it is projection. But a lot of it is true too.

So we become attached to them. We want to know more about them. We want to know why. How someone seemingly so much like ourselves ended up taking such a different path and doing what they did. We want to understand. And our hearts break for them, and for the victims. It's an overwhelming empathy and sadness. Because each word that he wrote I have felt in the depths of my heart. The loneliness, that alienation, the darkness. Feeling like you don't belong in the normal world. Craving real love and connection. It's a sadness knowing that someone like you is gone and knowing how much damage and pain they inflicted.

I can't relate to the hate anymore. But I certainly did in 1999. 100 percent. But I never would have hurt anyone. I can only imagine the path it took to get them to do what they did. How the anger turned into an idea which turned into a reality. All of the possible depersonalization of themselves and others. A complete loss of emotion. Yet somehow still able to draw up anger. I just wish I knew the why. The path. Not that it truly makes a difference. They are long gone. So far from saving.

So here I am with you fine people. Glad to find a community to learn from and share with.

It made me wish, honestly that Eric and Dylan should have gotten help and that the victims were still alive today. It really sucks that 2 teenagers' mental issues got the best of them and it ended up taking 13 innocent lives from their futures and countless more with trauma and pain for the rest of their lives. I don't feel as strongly as others do in terms of empathy and such, but it still sucks whenever young people lose their battle with mental health or die in something like this. Like of Eric and Dylan had second thoughts or why they let Brooks, John, Valeen, Evan, etc(no offense as they are victims as well) but kill 13 others? It is interesting to study, but yet just sad to see the fact that it happened and that the loss of so many potential scientists, technicians, etc were taken away just for a fantasy built from anger. It could've all been prevented and should've been prevented.

I find the whole thing with women of a certain age still being obsessed with either of the shooters a bit creepy.

I get it with young girls seeing an attraction or relating to them in some ways but when you see women in their 30’s and 40’s still saying things like how hot or good looking the shooters were then sharing photos of then in their junior year when they’ll have been, what, 16 years old?