How Columbine nearly ruined me

Hello everyone. I would like to tell you a story on how Columbine affected me, to where I was labeled as a school shooter. I will give the short version. I feel nows the time to share my past and you all would understand it best.

My best friend was the weirdest kid in school. He came from a poor family and also looked different. Nevertheless he was my best friend for years and we experienced life together.

Being the weird kid, he had very few friends. Girls didn't want anything to do with him. As a teen, this played a heavy role, especially always being single. It was to the point some would talk with a principal because they were weirded out by him.

We were both depressed in our own ways. We expressed it through poetry. One day, prior to Columbine, he wrote a poem on a school computer. Using a pen name, he expressed his sorrows for always being single and shunned. He thought nothing of it and saved it to the computer. After Columbine, obviously people were scared and confused. I had a feeling something was going to happen after the event, but I didn't know what exactly.

Someone found the poem and realized he wrote it. I don't remember how but word spread quickly. Somehow, his poem of being sad and upset for never gettinf a gf turned into he was going to blow up the school. No word of that was in the poem but it was twisted into it.

My friend had to go to the office. I don't recall how many times he did. Obviously he was confused and upset about the situation. Time passed and he eventually was expelled the rest of the year.

I was hurt. Why did this happen? My best friend now gone all school year for nothing. But since I was his friend I got roped in as well. Police searched his room for weapons. Of course they didn't find any. I was alone at home one day when I got a knock at the door. Police. A detective and two others.

We had a long chat about the situation. I reassured many times this was all a mistake. Well, what about tge picture of high school girls we were throwing darts at? You see there were beauty pagents and the pictures were in the local paper. We didn't like any of them and we needed a dart board, so we used that. Again, pre-Columbine. We never thought anything of it.

I explained that to them and pointed out we never intended on hurting or killing anyone. We were not targeting anyone. We just used them as a dart board because he didn't have one. As they left I asked if I needed to say something to my family. The detective said yes.

When they got home and I talked with them about it. What got me was they immediately assumed my friend WAS a potential killer and I needed to stay away so I wouldn't be persuaded. I was told never to see or speak to him again. They didn't believe we were innocent. My own family even looked at me as a suspect.

There were some people who stood by me at school and said "I know you won't kill anyone". It was appreciated but I was devastated. I felt along at school and home. People were talking about me. I know I was always being watched.

The rumors were bad. I had my wisdom teeth removed and missed a day of school. When I came back I was asked if I got expelled. The rumor was police found weapons at my home and I was suspended. They did search my room but all they found were my Hellraiser VHS tapes.

Rumors spread. Even the local paper got wind. A student skipped school and went to his grandmothers. When she came home and saw him, she asked what he was doing. He said something along there was a bomb at school or something. Heck, there was even a date we were going to do it.

Police came that day and stayed. The one teacher who stood by me said something of how many students were absent that day. It was so many they nearly had to close school due to high absenteeism.

I actually thought about it. My mind was going crazy. I thought about killing them. Getting revenge. This is what they want boy they would get it. Of course I never thought where I would get guns or anything but it crossed my mind. I was angry and depressed. But I eventually said no. I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction. They would say "told you so". I would have the last laugh. I would show them how stupid they all were.

My friend and I used to laugh about them skipping school. Scared of us? Really? I understand now. In the wake of what happened nobody was taking a chance. He came back senior year. People acted like nothing happened. I carried a grudge for years. It truly wrecked me. Students would argue as to what happened as if they went through it. They tried to tell me when I was wrong. Yet I was one of the possible killers.

Columbine has been on my mind almost everyday since last year. I do not carry a grudge anymore though Columbine did hit me personally. Theres a part of me that understands them. I couldn't do it nor do I justify their actions. But I understand their pain. I didn't experience Columbine like the other victims...yet I did in my own way.

Sorry if this is too long. I will be more than happy to talk more if you wish or answer any questions. Thank you for reading.

Thank you for sharing this

Damn, that sounds really tough man. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It's crazy how paranoid and protective schools can be when they hear about something like that. At least you weren't expelled. Something similar happened with me but I was only hospitalized. I was allowed to go back to school and nobody really knew about it. Hope things are doing better now.

In a way Parkland kinda ruined me at school, but I won't go into detail.

Things are better though I will admit thinking of Columbine almost every single day does get to me at times. My views on Columbine have changed and I look at it from different perspectives. As a parent now, I don't just view the lives lost that day...many more were killed. Children who will never exist now because their future mom/dad was killed that day.

It may sound weird but I feel some slight connection. I do not look at my incident as worse than the victims that day because it isn't by a long shot. I do not claim to understand how people feel to have lost a friend or relative. I guess its simply that it actually affected my life. If Columbine never happened, then all that stuff would never have happened to me. Fear is more powerful than we give it credit sometimes.

I do not blame anyone anymore. No student, no teacher, no parent, not even Dylan and Eric. Even though their actions led to the terrible events at Columbine, which struck fear across the nation, one could say that yes it is their fault. Its over, and has been.

Nobody lost their life in my hometown. Everyone has moved on, maybe even forgot it. Obviously I haven't and may never. Dylan and Eric died young and if they could return to answer every question we have, they would still be children. We all grew up, aged a lot, and yet they would just be those kids who did a terible thing. If I could face them now, I would just hug them right. Their pain isn't something only they knew. Many of us have faced hardships like them. We can understand many of their pains. I look back and realized I cried over the dumbest things...but remember this...when we are young, school IS our world. Its all we have known. The smallest and most trivial of things can be the most important. We haven't truly experienced life so we cling to the tiniest of things.

I did that...a lot. And when the smallest of things went wrong, it blew up my world. My feelings shattered. Almost all of them were again, trivial in the grand scheme. But it was my world. Our youth can be the hardest of times because even though we may not realize it, we make it harder than it needs to be.

I have not told my oldest...yet...what happened. But as she gets older I slowly inform her of trials I faced. Why? I want her to know that dad went through a lot and I never want her to feel sadness and loneliness to where she thinks I don't understand. When she hears of what I faced, I want her to see that dad truly does know, and if I don't, I can still be there for her and give the best advice I can to help her. Perhaps, in some way, what I faced will help her or someone else someday.

Thank you for sharing your story with us!
I'm glad you are doing well and seem like a great parent!

Onyx wrote:

Thank you for sharing your story with us!
I'm glad you are doing well and seem like a great parent!

Did you actually go to Columbine and if so did you know Eric and Dylan?

I sometimes wish I was their friend even though did a terrible thing, maybe if they felt love they wouldn't of done what they did. I am sorry though they felt they had to resort to violence. I remember someone said Dylan brought cookies to class, just a sad situation all around really.

I did not go to Columbine. I was states away from them. Yet this tragedy found a way to affect me even though I never even knew them. Fear can truly affect people in terrible ways.

I do wish I knew them. The way I was in school I bet we would have got along. I truly do understand a lot of what they felt and it really is sad that they felt the need to take this route. They were this close to just being away from it all. And I'm sure they would have had some troubles in life but honestly school was just a toxic environment for them. It was for me but once I got away from it as well as my "family" I feel my life has got better. I won't say life has been fair or that I ended up where I hoped to but I am happier.

Sadly though never diagnosed I feel I do have some sort of mental problem. Whether it's from the environment I was raised in or what I don't know. Can't say I have had the worst life BUT it certainly wasn't the best either. Such is life for most people but its how you feel with it and find a way to beat it. Sadly for Dylan and Eric, they took the wrong road. Sometimes I just picture them, still teens, in front of me. Smiling, maybe being the kids they once were. How I wish I could have changed their lives. Don't do this, it is NOT worth it. You have NO idea the pain you'll cause, not just to others, but your family. Its more severe than you'll ever know. Please, just don't. But I can't. I can not save those precious lives.

Mr_D wrote:

I did not go to Columbine. I was states away from them. Yet this tragedy found a way to affect me even though I never even knew them. Fear can truly affect people in terrible ways.

I do wish I knew them. The way I was in school I bet we would have got along. I truly do understand a lot of what they felt and it really is sad that they felt the need to take this route. They were this close to just being away from it all. And I'm sure they would have had some troubles in life but honestly school was just a toxic environment for them. It was for me but once I got away from it as well as my "family" I feel my life has got better. I won't say life has been fair or that I ended up where I hoped to but I am happier.

Sadly though never diagnosed I feel I do have some sort of mental problem. Whether it's from the environment I was raised in or what I don't know. Can't say I have had the worst life BUT it certainly wasn't the best either. Such is life for most people but its how you feel with it and find a way to beat it. Sadly for Dylan and Eric, they took the wrong road. Sometimes I just picture them, still teens, in front of me. Smiling, maybe being the kids they once were. How I wish I could have changed their lives. Don't do this, it is NOT worth it. You have NO idea the pain you'll cause, not just to others, but your family. Its more severe than you'll ever know. Please, just don't. But I can't. I can not save those precious lives.

I feel like if the Columbine community accepted them as one of their own, they would've felt good about themselves and realized most people were good. It's a sad situation really, they never felt loved and accepted. I think that's what they wanted most deeply. Sure they had comfortably lives financially ,but it wasn't enough.

Some people will say well they never wanted to be a part of the Columbine community, but I don't that's the case. Why would Dylan bring cookies to his class if that wasn't the case?

Since tha happened you that did you see your old friend or you didn't know about him anymore?

Yes we still keep in contact. Sadly he feels this curse has followed him through his life. People have still made negative claims about him simply due to how he looks (claims in 'fear for my life's' way. I too have had this as well but for another reason). His mental state has drastically gone downhill. I truly feel sorry for him.

Wooo

OH, I hope be happy again. A friend is a treasure

If someone is going to shoot up a school, they are slightly a bit more than weird, bullied and so on, thats for sure.

Im sorry this happened to you and that goths and other groups were d
singled out because of this

thanks for share