Long night's journey into day

It's roughly an hour before midnight here on the east coast.

In the Denver area, the sun will rise at 6:15 a.m., Mountain time. That's a little more than nine hours from now.

...

At this exact moment 15 years ago, the lives of 15 people were rapidly drawing to a close.

Two of those people knew their ends were near.

Thirteen did not.

...

Every moment brings us closer to the resolution of the ultimate mystery: What is it like to die? What, if anything, lies beyond the threshold?

Only the knowledge that we are impermanent gives our lives any semblance of true meaning.

It compels us to try to make something of ourselves, in the precious time that we have available.

It prompts us to ponder the Big Questions - is there something beyond the material realm? is there a God? is there life after death?

...

Richard Nixon was a complicated man. He made many enemies in his life. But he left us with a quote that I think applies to everyone:

"Others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them - and then, you destroy yourself."

...

"I hate the fucking world," Eric Harris wrote.

It is a cruel irony that Eric and Dylan concluded that the only way they could make something of themselves was to destroy themselves, and to attempt to destroy hundreds of others.

...

At this moment 15 years ago, none of Eric and Dylan's victims knew that his or her life was soon to be extinguished in a blaze of hatred.

Part of me is glad.

Part of me is relieved that they didn't have to toss and turn in their beds, knowing that April 20th was a day on which they were going to pass into oblivion.

...

But that is what people say after the fact - "I am glad they didn't have to suffer more than they did."

Nothing can alter the fact that the senseless slaughter of even one person is a tragedy beyond comprehension.

...

I wonder how many of them slept soundly on this night 15 years ago. I would like to think that all of them did.

They deserved to sleep soundly, in what Thomas Harris has called "the silence of the lambs."

And the victims were lambs, at the moment of their deaths. They were lambs torn apart by the capriciousness of wolves.

...

On Tuesday, April 20, 1999, Eric and Dylan murdered 13 innocent people in cold blood.

Given that fact, it is hard to conclude that either boy deserves even a token shred of sympathy or respect. But some of us are inclined to give both of them more than they deserve.

Part of me mourns for them. Part of me wishes that they could have been saved. Part of me wishes that they can be saved, even now.

I would like to believe that no one is ever entirely lost, even in death. I have faith in the idea that life is worth living.

Eric and Dylan did not believe that their lives were worth living. Their lack of such faith led to acts that destroyed an awful lot of happiness, real and potential.

...

The last sunrise of Eric and Dylan's lives marked the beginning of what has been described as "a day of obscene horror."

Indeed, Eric's suicide has been described as his one decent act on that day:
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...

I have been told that I think about things too much. I probably do.

But thinking is a way of coping. It's a way of filling up the emptiness that sometimes gnaws at my soul.

I think Eric and Dylan felt the same emptiness. It gnawed at them until there was nothing left to chew.

...

I don't pretend that my thoughts and feelings about 4/20 add up to a hill of beans.

I don't know what it was like for the victims, or their families, or their friends, or their teachers, or their coworkers, or anyone else who was directly connected to the tragedy.

I know nothing, I can never know anything. I acknowledge that fact. I accept it.

But, in my own way, I sense the gravity of this day, and what it represents.

In my own way, I want to try to mark it, and ponder its true meaning.

...

There are many ways to mark what happened at Columbine High School on Tuesday, April 20, 1999.

One of the simplest is to listen to this song:
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Some may find it meaningful. Some may not. But I can't think of anything better to say.

...

This is not a day for words.

Words can express only an infinitesimally small percentage of there is to say and know and feel about the tragicomic pageant of human existence.

...

Still, I feel compelled to say this:

I sincerely hope, and pray, that this anniversary passes without incident.

This might seem cheesy, but somehow, when I think about Eric and Dylan's thoughts on their last night alive, this excerpt from Stephen King's novella "The Langoliers" (part of Four Past Midnight) comes to mind:

Deep in the trenches carved into the floors of the Pacific and the Indian Oceans, there are fish which live and die without ever seeing or sensing the sun. These fabulous creatures cruise the depths like ghostly balloons, lit from within by their own radiance. Although they look delicate, they are actually marvels of biological design, built to withstand pressures that would squash a man as flat as a windowpane in the blink of an eye. Their great strength, however, is also their great weakness. Prisoners of their own alien bodies, they are locked forever in their dark depths. If they are captured and drawn toward the surface, toward the sun, they simply explode. It is not external pressure that destroys them, but its absence.

[...]

Who knows how the fish captured in one of those deep trenches and brought swiftly toward the surface — toward the light of a sun it has never suspected — may feel? Is it not at least possible that its final moments are filled with ecstasy rather than horror? That it senses the crushing reality of all that pressure only as it finally falls away? That it thinks — as far as fish may be supposed to think, that is — in a kind of joyous frenzy, I am free of that weight at last! in the seconds before it explodes? Probably not. Fish from those dark depths may not feel at all, at least not in any way we could recognize, and they certainly do not think... but people do.

...

About a month before he died, Dylan said on one of the basement tapes, "It will be the most nerve-racking 15 minutes of my life, after the bombs are set and we're waiting to charge through the school. Seconds will be like hours. I can't wait. I'll be shaking like a leaf."

And about a day before he died, he wrote in his journal, "About 26.5 hours from now the judgement will begin. Difficult but not impossible, necessary, nervewracking & fun. What fun is life without a little death? It's interesting, when i'm in my human form, knowing i'm going to die. Everything has a touch of triviality to it."

As he said and wrote these things, did he perceive that he was racing up from the trenches of self-hatred and despair, rushing ever faster toward the light? Was he filled with ecstasy, delirious at the thought that soon he would be utterly annihilated in one bright shining apocalyptic explosion of rage and wrath and fury?

I wonder. But I shall never know. Nor shall anyone else.

A very emotional post LPorter101. You couldnt express it better. I feel and think exactly the same and is sad how 15 years ago, at this moment, 12 kids with a lot of future, went to sleep for the last time, without notice not even for a second that the next day will be their last day. And this is for all the people that are about to die tomorrow too and died days before (like  one of my favorite writers). But for me, the moment you died is the moment you start to live again so they are definitely not entirely lost because many of them left a legacy that inspire other lives. Even Eric and Dylan are not entirely lost and forgotten and The Columbine Massacre is a tragedy that wont be forgotten either.

Eric's death that day wasn't a "decent act" It was a terrible tragedy like every other death that day.If you feel otherwise fine, but I believe that such statements are a form of grave dancing.I think every death, especially if its untimely is a tragedy or has tragic elements involved.Not everyone agrees that Eric and Dylan deserve no sympathy or respect.That is the majority view but everyday I am thankful for the minority who feels otherwise.

PaintItBlack wrote:

Eric's death that day wasn't a "decent act" It was a terrible tragedy like every other death that day.If you feel otherwise fine, but I believe that such statements are a form of grave dancing.I think every death, especially if its untimely is a tragedy or has tragic elements involved.

I never said that I myself saw his suicide as a "decent" act. His death was a tragedy, especially for his parents and his brother. But it's hard to see how any of his acts on that terrible day were anything but ghastly.

Quote :

Not everyone agrees that Eric and Dylan deserve no sympathy or respect.That is the majority view but everyday I am thankful for the minority who feels otherwise.

Some people might say that anyone who kills a child automatically relinquishes any claim to sympathy or respect. But, as I said, I am inclined to give Eric and Dylan more than many people feel they deserve.

LPorter101 wrote:

PaintItBlack wrote:

Eric's death that day wasn't a "decent act" It was a terrible tragedy like every other death that day.If you feel otherwise fine, but I believe that such statements are a form of grave dancing.I think every death, especially if its untimely is a tragedy or has tragic elements involved.

I never said that I myself saw his suicide as a "decent" act. His death was a tragedy, especially for his parents and his brother. But it's hard to see how any of his acts on that terrible day were anything but ghastly.

Quote :

Not everyone agrees that Eric and Dylan deserve no sympathy or respect.That is the majority view but everyday I am thankful for the minority who feels otherwise.

Some people might say that anyone who kills a child automatically relinquishes any claim to sympathy or respect. But, as I said, I am inclined to give Eric and Dylan more than many people feel they deserve.

I am aware of the article and that you personally did not say that.I have long been disgusted with that article and was expressing that here. Sure, some people feel that way.Most people do.Most don't understand or want to understand how someone could get to that point.However, the people that killed these children were only kids themselves,close to the same age .I know society doesn't care about how old you are if you kill someone,but I think it is an important factor in this situation.

I hope that everyone who died that day is in a beautiful,perfect and peaceful place called Heaven.

Yes their day of action drew very close at this time

What has amazed me about the Columbine Massacre is how 2 teenagers saw the hypocrisy of the system they were exposed to & decided to take action against it. Even if that would mean killing themselves & others as well.

This day April 20th is the day that Eric/Dylan "walked the walk" & not only "talked the talk" of what they said they were going to do.

Tragic as this event was & it may not make sense to some people but for Eric/Dylan it made sense as "their actions were a two man war against everything else"

PaintItBlack wrote:

LPorter101 wrote:

PaintItBlack wrote:

Eric's death that day wasn't a "decent act" It was a terrible tragedy like every other death that day.If you feel otherwise fine, but I believe that such statements are a form of grave dancing.I think every death, especially if its untimely is a tragedy or has tragic elements involved.

I never said that I myself saw his suicide as a "decent" act. His death was a tragedy, especially for his parents and his brother. But it's hard to see how any of his acts on that terrible day were anything but ghastly.

Quote :

Not everyone agrees that Eric and Dylan deserve no sympathy or respect.That is the majority view but everyday I am thankful for the minority who feels otherwise.

Some people might say that anyone who kills a child automatically relinquishes any claim to sympathy or respect. But, as I said, I am inclined to give Eric and Dylan more than many people feel they deserve.

I am aware of the article and that you personally did not say that.I have long been disgusted with that article and was expressing that here. Sure, some people feel that way.Most people do.Most don't understand or want to understand how someone could get to that point.However, the people that killed these children were only kids themselves,close to the same age .I know society doesn't care about how old  you are if you kill someone,but I think it is an important factor in this situation.

Yes, I agree. Dylan was still a minor in the eyes of the law. Eric was still three years away from his first legal drink. There was so much that they had yet to experience.

Kids that age think they know everything. But most of them barely know anything about themselves, let alone about the world around them.

Such profoundly beautiful posts, LPorter.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. Everything you post is incredibly insightful and displays your astounding emotional intelligence.



I honestly pray that all fifteen of their souls are resting in eternal peace, and if all of them are not there yet, that they are working their way toward eternal bliss. If all of them aren't there yet, I know in the depths of my soul that they will be in time.

I pray for all fifteen families who lost their loved ones, and hope that they are healing and coping as best they possibly can. I pray that they are granted some kind of peace within as each year passes.

I pray for all of the injured, all of those who passed on after the fact as a result of this, and everyone else who had to witness what occurred, along with their families as well.

Very emotive post LPorter, thank you for sharing.

I've been aware all day that the time zone i live means i am 7 hours ahead of the Littleton time, at lunch time today i realized it would have been around 5am in Littleton. It made me think that 5 am was noted in Eric's planner as "Get-up" pg(26313).

There's a couple of different threads on this forum discussing the 15th anniversary which I've been meaning to post in but could never really find the right words, if there is such a thing. I've found it quite difficult to transfer what i have been thinking and feeling into words.

Similar to most people here i can certainly say i have been thinking a great deal about all those who were negatively effected by the tragedy.
I can only hope the passage of time has helped to lessen some of their pain, and whilst some may say 'time heals all wounds' unfortunately that is not always the case. I just hope each person whose life was changed forever fifteen years ago has managed to find some sense of peace and move on with their lives as best they can.

LPorter101 wrote:

PaintItBlack wrote:

LPorter101 wrote:

PaintItBlack wrote:

Eric's death that day wasn't a "decent act" It was a terrible tragedy like every other death that day.If you feel otherwise fine, but I believe that such statements are a form of grave dancing.I think every death, especially if its untimely is a tragedy or has tragic elements involved.

I never said that I myself saw his suicide as a "decent" act. His death was a tragedy, especially for his parents and his brother. But it's hard to see how any of his acts on that terrible day were anything but ghastly.

Quote :

Not everyone agrees that Eric and Dylan deserve no sympathy or respect.That is the majority view but everyday I am thankful for the minority who feels otherwise.

Some people might say that anyone who kills a child automatically relinquishes any claim to sympathy or respect. But, as I said, I am inclined to give Eric and Dylan more than many people feel they deserve.

I am aware of the article and that you personally did not say that.I have long been disgusted with that article and was expressing that here. Sure, some people feel that way.Most people do.Most don't understand or want to understand how someone could get to that point.However, the people that killed these children were only kids themselves,close to the same age .I know society doesn't care about how old  you are if you kill someone,but I think it is an important factor in this situation.

Yes, I agree. Dylan was still a minor in the eyes of the law. Eric was still three years away from his first legal drink. There was so much that they had yet to experience.

Kids that age think they know everything. But most of them barely know anything about themselves, let alone about the world around them.

Very,very much agreed.Even thought they no doubt felt they did,I seriously doubt that E &D fully understood the lasting consequences of what they were doing both for themselves and others.Despite the standard the law sets,I wonder if anyone so young really can. I thought I was so mature at 17 but looking back from age 23 I started to realize my judgment was often clouded.