How does NBK effect you personally ?

I am English and i have never walked on American soil. I'm a Brit born and bred.
Here in England school massacres are incredibly rare. Only one has occurred.
I have known about the Columbine massacre ever since it hit the news.
I have been interested in homicide for 20 years. I am very interested in the mind of a killer and how they get captured.
I am an avid reader of crime magazines such as : 

1) Master Detective.
2) Murder most foul.
3) True detective.

I own dozens of books about serial killers such as:

Jeffrey Dahmer.
John Wayne Gacy.
Ted Bundy.
Richard Ramirez.
Kenneth Bianci.
Ed Gein.
Andre Chikotilo.
Albert Fish.
Ivan Milat.
The Zodiac killer.
Jack the ripper (UK)
Jack the stripper (UK)
The Yorkshire ripper (UK)
The moors murders (UK)

Plus many more. I become interested in a serial killer and buy a book ,read it and then lose interest.
I then become interested in a different killer and buy a book and lose interest after finishing the book.
The Columbine massacre seems to have gotten hold of me ,unlike any other case. Its kind of an obsession to me.
I joined this forum and it has been quite a ride. I have learnt an enormous of info and met lots of nice people ;) 
NBK is always on my mind. I have read the whole of the 11K and i am reading it again.
I am also reading beyond the 11K and have read tens of thousands of pages of info.
I even take notes! I have never done that with any other case.
How has the Columbine case effected you ?

Well, it consumes so much of my day now. Also, makes me think to be nicer to people and I always think what if it happened at my school and where I'd be around 11:19.

I'm Dutch. I've never been to the US in my life. No school massacres have ever taken place in my country, although I know of a few European ones. I've known about Columbine ever since it happened, but I was ten years old at the time and so never really got into the case back then. The case has made a few brief appearances in my life over the years since, but didn't quite click to this extent until early last year. I'm not as well-versed in details like the bombs and other random tidbits of trivia as some other people here are, because my interest in the case is largely psychological in nature. I want to know what makes people tick and what enables them to do such things and what their lives were like etc etc.. It's human nature that fascinates me, at its core, and Columbine has got some very strong characters at play when it comes to this.

As to how it's affected me.. I don't really know. It still comes and goes. I have days on which I breathe this stuff, like now, and then I have days on which the thought of it barely enters my brain. I see a lot of myself in the two boys, so sometimes it gets a little confrontational and I have to take a step back. I sometimes really have to remind myself that I survived in relatively one piece, you know? There's a huge emotional connect on this end as well as objective interest in what happened, and mostly the two just mix up and get a little garbled into random musings and monologues. I've got a good memory (but often don't recall exact sources, so meh  ) and have built up a pretty extensive archive-thing on the case in the past almost-two years. I've often said that the case 'grabs you by the throat and doesn't let go', which I still think is the best description I can give as to how it affects me.

thedragonrampant wrote:

I'm Dutch. I've never been to the US in my life. No school massacres have ever taken place in my country, although I know of a few European ones. I've known about Columbine ever since it happened, but I was ten years old at the time and so never really got into the case back then. The case has made a few brief appearances in my life over the years since, but didn't quite click to this extent until early last year. I'm not as well-versed in details like the bombs and other random tidbits of trivia as some other people here are, because my interest in the case is largely psychological in nature. I want to know what makes people tick and what enables them to do such things and what their lives were like etc etc.. It's human nature that fascinates me, at its core, and Columbine has got some very strong characters at play when it comes to this.

As to how it's affected me.. I don't really know. It still comes and goes. I have days on which I breathe this stuff, like now, and then I have days on which the thought of it barely enters my brain. I see a lot of myself in the two boys, so sometimes it gets a little confrontational and I have to take a step back. I sometimes really have to remind myself that I survived in relatively one piece, you know? There's a huge emotional connect on this end as well as objective interest in what happened, and mostly the two just mix up and get a little garbled into random musings and monologues. I've got a good memory (but often don't recall exact sources, so meh  ) and have built up a pretty extensive archive-thing on the case in the past almost-two years. I've often said that the case 'grabs you by the throat and doesn't let go', which I still think is the best description I can give as to how it affects me.

You said that you see a " lot yourself in the two boys. "
May i ask you to elaborate a little further ?  I apologize if you think i am being too nosy.

rik75 wrote:

You said that you see a " lot yourself in the two boys. "
May i ask you to elaborate a little further ?  I apologize if you think i am being too nosy.

That's fine. If I wasn't prepared to speak about it, I would never have mentioned it. I've mentioned the general connection I have with the kids in your other thread asking if we feel any sorrow for Eric and Dylan. I see a lot of my younger self in Dylan particularly, even to the point where I can draw clear parallels between his writings and my own from those days. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was about fourteen years old. My schoolyears weren't the happiest (and I'm putting this very mildly), to the point where my mother kept me home from school for a month because she thought I was going to seriously hurt someone if she let me go, and ended up dropping out permanently when I was fifteen. The whole 'godlike'/delusions of grandeur thing you see in the boys? I had it in spades. The disdain for humanity and the endless frustration with stupidity? Check. Massive problems with people telling me what to do? It still frustrates me to tears nowadays. I could go on and on, but fact of the matter is that I've stood exactly where they stood and was able to walk away before doing something stupid. Fact is that I read their journals, see their videos, etc.. and I click with both of them because Dylan is who I was almost exactly and Eric is the part of myself I tend to deny the existence of very firmly. The first read of the information available was very emotional for me, because I realised just how lucky I have been that I got myself back on track in life. If nothing else, Columbine has made me endlessly grateful for my own continued existence on this Earth.

I hope this answers your question a bit.

thedragonrampant,
Why do you think you, like him, developed this "godlike" attitude?

Probably the main reason I'm interested in Columbine is because I think I can relate to them a lot, especially Dylan. Depression, loneliness, social anxiety (which I'm sure Dylan had). Although now that I'm now in my mid-20's I've learned how to accept myself. But the only thing that doesn't really make sense to me (apart from the shooting people bit) is his feeling of superiority. For me, it went the other way round, I directed that hatred inward. I felt like everyone else was better than me. Was it just a coping mechanism for him? Delude himself that he is somehow better, while in reality it was the jocks who made fun of him, were more popular etc. People say he was a smart kid, but by no means a genius, surely he could see that he wasn't that much smarter (or "self-aware" lol) than others.

maninthebox wrote:

thedragonrampant,
Why do you think you, like him, developed this "godlike" attitude?

Hm, it's hard to say what made it develop because it just snuck in over the years. I don't even know if I can explain it properly, but I'll try. One of my psychs already said that it was very strange that there was such a strong absence of insecurity. Normally they'd see a huge loss of security in one's self with the issues I was going through at the time, but I actually scored higher than the norm on any question pertaining to the subject. I would suspect that it was because I never wanted to own up to feeling stupid/worthless/weird/anything else people said I was. Instead, there was a very strong feeling I created for myself of being superior to most of humanity because they didn't understand me and rejected my thoughts/ideas/etc so strongly. I think there was a time where I coveted the moniker 'weird kid' rather than have it bother me, because at least that name would set me apart from the sheep in the masses. On my really bad days now, I must admit, I still have 'the god complex' run rampant in my system because it's still my coping mechanism that helps me get past rejection/etc more easily. It's easier for me to think that people aren't accepting of me because I am telling/showing them something they don't want to hear/see than it is for me to think that people just don't like me because I'm the strange quiet girl with a different view of the world.

I think I developed the 'godlike' attitude because I got so damn frustrated with 99% of humanity. It felt easier to turn that rage outward and rally against 'the sheep', 'the fools', and 'the ones who need to die in a fire' on a near-constant basis. It was better than having to face myself and my own responsibility in being rejected/etc. It was better than hating myself for being different and for being weird, which is usually what happened when I was alone and lost the tight grip of control I had on the feeling of superiority. The moment that mask of being godlike faltered, I was left with nothing but myself and I really didn't like myself that much. I wanted to die as much as I wanted to live. There's a very, very strong component of inner worthlessness and self-hatred in having to make yourself superior to everyone else just to help you get through the day that I think doesn't get recognised enough. All people see is the mask you build up for yourself that says 'I am god among mortals', after all, because that's the image you crafted carefully for yourself in order to protect you from all the hurt that's inside of you. The 'godlike' attitude is still the best wall I ever built between my public self and my private self. It's a wall so strong that, really, I started to believe in it too.

Thanks for the detailed answer! It makes sense when you explain it. Eric and Dylan probably had something similar going on. Maybe I didn't experience the same feelings because I wasn't bullied as much.

The event, like columbine, has made me more cautious if I were unfortunately to witness something terrible in public. And there are plenty of reasons why. Mainly to avoid negative publicity and unwanted attention. If I were to witness something terrible, of course, I would give a witness statement to police, but I wouldn't give statements to any news media to explain what I saw. I wouldn't know how that information I give out would be used or often misused.

When I read the diaries, I recognized someone close to me who used to talk like E & D. That's partly why the case has such resonance in me, because it's relatable.

During my ''real life'' activities, I speak with Eric-types and Dylan-types at the rate of once or twice a week. Once, I talked with a teenager who was 17, depressed with homicidal ideas, who wrote his diary, and had so many other Dylan characteristics I thought to myself: ''I feel like I'm speaking with Dylan right now.''. He then used the expression ''downward spiral''.  

I call them the Erics and Dylans in our lives.

thedragonrampant wrote:

rik75 wrote:

You said that you see a " lot yourself in the two boys. "
May i ask you to elaborate a little further ?  I apologize if you think i am being too nosy.

That's fine. If I wasn't prepared to speak about it, I would never have mentioned it. I've mentioned the general connection I have with the kids in your other thread asking if we feel any sorrow for Eric and Dylan. I see a lot of my younger self in Dylan particularly, even to the point where I can draw clear parallels between his writings and my own from those days. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was about fourteen years old. My schoolyears weren't the happiest (and I'm putting this very mildly), to the point where my mother kept me home from school for a month because she thought I was going to seriously hurt someone if she let me go, and ended up dropping out permanently when I was fifteen. The whole 'godlike'/delusions of grandeur thing you see in the boys? I had it in spades. The disdain for humanity and the endless frustration with stupidity? Check. Massive problems with people telling me what to do? It still frustrates me to tears nowadays. I could go on and on, but fact of the matter is that I've stood exactly where they stood and was able to walk away before doing something stupid. Fact is that I read their journals, see their videos, etc.. and I click with both of them because Dylan is who I was almost exactly and Eric is the part of myself I tend to deny the existence of very firmly. The first read of the information available was very emotional for me, because I realised just how lucky I have been that I got myself back on track in life. If nothing else, Columbine has made me endlessly grateful for my own continued existence on this Earth.

I hope this answers your question a bit.

Thank you for being so open and honest. You said that your mother kept you away from school because she was afraid that you might hurt someone. Were you full of anger?

rik75 wrote:

Thank you for being so open and honest. You said that your mother kept you away from school because she was afraid that you might hurt someone. Were you full of anger?

No problem. Yeah, she kept me away because I openly voiced threats against my classmates. One of my teachers caught on as well due to comments I made in an essay and was in full agreement that I should be kept home until the biggest portion of the anger had subsided. I ended up leaving that school about a month or two later. (I don't really remember all of this too clearly. My own memories of the time are a complete blank and the little I know is what other people filled in for me or what I read in the journals I kept during those days. Dear gods -- that sounds so messed-up, haha.)

thedragonrampant wrote:

rik75 wrote:

Thank you for being so open and honest. You said that your mother kept you away from school because she was afraid that you might hurt someone. Were you full of anger?

No problem. Yeah, she kept me away because I openly voiced threats against my classmates. One of my teachers caught on as well due to comments I made in an essay and was in full agreement that I should be kept home until the biggest portion of the anger had subsided. I ended up leaving that school about a month or two later. (I don't really remember all of this too clearly. My own memories of the time are a complete blank and the little I know is what other people filled in for me or what I read in the journals I kept during those days. Dear gods -- that sounds so messed-up, haha.)

I know what you mean. When I was in highschool, I ended up so depressed, that I didn't care about anything or anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep. It's a miracle I managed to graduate, because I was usually asleep during class, that last year. I sometimes wished I would fall asleep and never wake up anymore.

But I don't remember a lot about that period. After that I went to a bit of a manic state, where all I wanted to do was party. And the same happened with my memory: I don't remember a lot of that either.

Thank God, most of the time everything is a lot better, than it was back then. i hope the same applies for you.