Dylan wanted to kill his love?

Sabratha, whose excellent "Diagnosing Dylan Klebold"-Thread I already posted, made also this topic which really fascinated me at the time. Although the whole subject is basically only speculation, I don't think the conclusions are that unlikely. There seems no doubt that Dylan believed that he would be with his love in the afterlife, so it would make kind of sense to take her with him- just to be sure that she will be there, too.
One thing, I don't agree with is that the first part of the diary entry is about Eric. I think the whole entry is about the girl. She was the one he was dying for, she was the one he was thinking of, she was the one that sat in his mind all the time like a shadow. Why shouldn't the "We have finished the race" + "everything we knew, we were able to understand it" not referring to her? I think Dylan probably thought that the girl was going the same way and development in her mind than he himself did.
I think he probably wrote "her & i" but in a typical dylanish illegible way.
I am also very skeptical, that his love was Rachel Scott. Although that could be possible (and he probably had a crush on her before) but it would be just so much of a coincidence, that his final girl sat in front of the school at the time E+D started the attack.

Anyway, here is the post:

Sabratha wrote:

Its a quote from one of the last journal entries of Dylan, 5 days from the shooting:

Dylan Klebold wrote:

i know he & i are concieved from ourselves & each other. every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we concieved, we have finished the race. time to die. everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to percieve it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know & use. an understanding of the everything. An einstein stuck in an ant's body. we are the nature of existence. the zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love.

Who does Dylan refer to here? At first I thought he meant Eric (the "He and I" part), but then something doesn't fit in here.
I mena the "the zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. we are in wait of our reward, each other." part.

If the whole passage is about Eric, then it would seem that Dylan was (at least in some way) bi and defined his relationship with Eric as "love".

Seems weird, doesn't it? Especially since Eric seems 100% straight, both with his altitude to girls, his whining about "not getting any" and his canibalistic rants.

So we can assume that the first part of Dylan's text is about Eric, but somewhere half-way into the text Dylan starts refering to someone else (the only place where IMHO he could make the "shift" is from "we are the nature of existence").

But here is another interesting question. Even if we assume that in the last part he is refering to some girl (his "love"), then the words: "we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love" start to have some very dark and devious menaing.

What does he mean by: "we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore"?

I think I have the most probable answer to this, but its something different from how I (and I think everyone else on the forums) perceived Dylan Klebold. At least until now.

After thinking about this for some time now, I came to the conclusion that Dylan was hoping that his love would also die with him that day. Most likely is that he wanted to kill her with the cafetaria explosion. That is what he means in this passage. This is what he means by "we are in wait for each other", "the zombies will never cause us pain anymore" and by "time to love".
He wanted to be united with love after their deaths on 20/4/99.

It somehow seems fitting that she probably didn't die, that she fled the cafeteria, that Dylan ultimately failed to get her...
... unless she really was Rachel Scott.

If she was indeed Rachel, then it could explain why Dylan seemed so happy during the later parts of the shooting, like in the library. However it may have just been an act, a way not to show Eric how dissapointed he was with the bombs.

I'm not sure about this, but that entry from Dylan's journal is quite mysterious. I'm now convinced to believe that he wanted to kill his "love" - something I wouldn't really believe just a few weeks ago.

I always wonder the same about that passage and who is the girl that he loved so much, but I dont think that she was Rachel Scott. Reading that passage again, it seems that he didnt want to kill her, it seems that he was saying goodbye to her in a poetic way or something, so perhaps she survived and is not Rachel, or maybe (and this is something that just came to my mind) that girl didnt exist and was just a product or his mind, his ideal girl, the girl that he wanted to meet and love, a girl that lived in his head and where there she was real, but is just a theory and maybe she was a classmate or a random girl from the school that really survived.

I have said elsewhere on the board that if the massacre hadn't occurred, I can see Dylan committing a murder-suicide with his significant other. So I don't think that's too far of a stretch here. Of course, he and Eric were planning to kill basically everyone in the school so there is a better than even chance that he was planning on his "love" to die as well. However, I think Mj2beat has a good point because I really don't know that this "love" existed, that maybe she was just an ideal in his mind.

Interesting post.

I know it doesn't seem very bright to just quote entries from the old board, but I think this one is worth sharing, although the user definitively had a wrong understanding of the word psychopathic:

BeyondBelief wrote:

Dylan Klebold wrote:

i know he & i are concieved from ourselves & each other. every night of the self-awareness journey, every thought we concieved, we have finished the race. time to die. everything we knew, we were able to understand it, to percieve it, into what we should, everything we knew, we know & use. an understanding of the everything. An einstein stuck in an ant's body. we are the nature of existence. the zombies were a test to see if our love was genuine. we are in wait of our reward, each other. the zombies will never cause us pain anymore. the humanity was a test. I love you, love. Time to die, time to be free, time to love.

What's happening here is a conversation, in Dylan's head, between he and the love he believes awaits him in the halcyon, the afterlife. He tells his love about he and Eric being the most high, and tells his love that the pain will be over soon and that he's on his way to manifest his destiny.

People don't usually understand just how psychopathic Dylan was. This was a child who was so mentally lonely, depressed, and obsessive, that he had conceived an imaginery entity that he believed only existed in the afterlife, and that his journey in life -- what he called his "downward spiral on the highway to love -- was dedicated to finding it; he even wrote letters to it.

"Time to die, time to be free, time to love". This line gives me goosebumps, it's just so sad

You know, that's the number one question I'd want to ask Dylan's mom, if I was certain I would not bother her. I wonder what his parents think or know about that. Was his love an actual person or a disincarnated ideal?

JayJay wrote:

You know, that's the number one question I'd want to ask Dylan's mom, if I was certain I would not bother her. I wonder what his parents think or know about that. Was his love an actual person or a disincarnated ideal?

I dont think Dylan's parents know something about it, if it was about a real girl, is probable that Dylan hided it or just a few friends knew it because his mom could have say something before when in the police interview she talked about some "group dating" or in the moment she mentioned Robyn Anderson and said that Dylan didnt consider her as a girlfriend, in both of those cases or in some another similar, she could have mentioned something about Dylan in love with some girl or a possible girlfriend. That's why I also think that this girl is not real and is just something from his own head and even loneliness and desire to love someone.

Fair enough, Dylan's mom may not have known much at the time but now, she has his diary and knows the names he mentions as his love(s). She may also have heard about it from his friends after he died and have an opinion on who Dylan's Big Love might be...if there is even one?

I think like you it may very well have been an ideal love in his own mind.

I read his journal again and in 1997 he wrote something that caught my attention more than before:

"The meek are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are
deceiving, lost in my little insane asylum with the outhouse [?] redneck music playing….
wanna die & be free with my love … if she even exists."

¿If she even exists?, and then he wrote: I don’t know my love: could be , or or , or , or anyone. I don’t know & I’m sick of not knowing!! (I cant read what is between the "or" because is blacked out). I was thinking that this could be like a signal where he shows that the girl doesnt exist or are looking for someone to love, but anyone know if he is referring to some event or something like that in this entry?

Mj2beat wrote:

I read his journal again and in 1997 he wrote something that caught my attention more than before:

"The meek are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are
deceiving, lost in my little insane asylum with the outhouse [?] redneck music playing….
wanna die & be free with my love … if she even exists."

¿If she even exists?, and then he wrote: I don’t know my love: could be , or or , or , or anyone. I don’t know & I’m sick of not knowing!! (I cant read what is between the "or" because is blacked out). I was thinking that this could be like a signal where he shows that the girl doesnt exist or are looking for someone to love, but anyone know if he is referring to some event or something like that in this entry?

I think the "if she even exists"-line is meant in the way, that he is not sure, if the girl(s) he is considering being his true love(s) are really what he imagines about them. Like he wrote in one of his entries:

Dylan wrote:

The one who I thought was my true love, is not. Such a shell of what I want the most …

For me, that sounds like he feels betrayed by a girl, he thought was different, not that he was perceiving, that the girl he was dreaming of didn't exist.

Hale-Bopp wrote:

Mj2beat wrote:

I read his journal again and in 1997 he wrote something that caught my attention more than before:

"The meek are trampled on, the assholes prevail, the gods are
deceiving, lost in my little insane asylum with the outhouse [?] redneck music playing….
wanna die & be free with my love … if she even exists."

¿If she even exists?, and then he wrote: I don’t know my love: could be , or or , or , or anyone. I don’t know & I’m sick of not knowing!! (I cant read what is between the "or" because is blacked out). I was thinking that this could be like a signal where he shows that the girl doesnt exist or are looking for someone to love, but anyone know if he is referring to some event or something like that in this entry?

I think the "if she even exists"-line is meant in the way, that he is not sure, if the girl(s) he is considering being his true love(s) are really what he imagines about them. Like he wrote in one of his entries:

Dylan wrote:

The one who I thought was my true love, is not. Such a shell of what I want the most …

For me, that sounds like he feels betrayed by a girl, he thought was different, not that he was perceiving, that the girl he was dreaming of didn't exist.

Yes you are right. It seems that Dylan had crushes and really could feel something for some girl(s), expecting a lot of them and trying to see if they were the girl that he was looking for but failing in the end But I am still think that after all, he was more in love of an ideal than of an actual girl. He loved that ideal, that never get real and that he never found in a real person.

I believe he liked this girl and conceived her as his ideal one. Because I'm sure that he hardly ever spoke with her.

He was crazy

I have always thought that Dylan's ideal girl, his "Halcyon Love" was just from his overactive imagination.

In my opinion he seemed enamored by several different girls, but then would lose interest very quickly when none compared to the girl in his head. He wanted/expected perfection and wasn't able to find it in his weird scope of reality.

ShadowedGoddess wrote:

I have always thought that Dylan's ideal girl, his "Halcyon Love" was just from his overactive imagination.

In my opinion he seemed enamored by several different girls, but then would lose interest very quickly when none compared to the girl in his head.  He wanted/expected perfection and wasn't able to find it in his weird scope of reality.

I agree. I think as he was going further into his own world so to speak he lost touch with his humanity which caused him to really lose touch with the woman around him.

In his journals he called himself the "God" of sadness and didn't know when Dylan was taken over and how he got so screwed up, he was sad about it. In the Basement Tapes and in Eric's yearbook he relished at the fact that he was a "God"

You will also notice early in Eric's journals he says "just because humans are on the top of the food chain, doesn't mean we are Gods" and later he takes a page from Dylan and starts saying that he is one.

He wanted a Mallory to his Mickey

I was reminded of another girl that I guess went on a few dates with Dylan before NBK, Kristen Theibult which some people think may be one of the girls in his writings. Also in her 11k interview I guess she kind of pontificates I wonder if we were technically dating or something like that

It seems to me that dylan had girls that liked him even more so than Eric...

I always saw this as Dylan pining over a real girl, one whom he hoped would turn out to be the dream girl he had always longed for. However, he recognized that she very well could fail to live up to those expectations. And maybe he believed that once he died, he would find and be with the girl that he was dreaming of - either the girl at his school, or someone else who fit that fantasy.

Of course, it’s completely possible that the girl in general was always just in his mind. If she was an actual Columbine student, I think that maybe he was expecting her to pass away during the bombing, and if so then they could be together in the “halycons”. Otherwise, the universe or whatever would give him the girl he was truly meant to be with.

But...I’m just guessing.