Was Eric's journal all an act?

Was Eric's journal entries just an act? It's almost as though Eric is addressing someone. He says things like "you people" and then he brags about how he got his great guns, calling (someone/someones) "sons of bitches". I think he wrote all this shit just to get reactions out of people. Like how he wanted to rip someones throat out with his teeth. Do you think he really thought this way or did he write this shit all for show and a reaction?

I don't think it was all an act, but in many instances I do. Anything about it that was an act was being done for himself, for the most part, in my opinion.

I do NOT believe, as I have seen many others say, that it was DELIBERATELY composed for an audience, either.

I am sure as the reality of his plan with Dylan set in, he realized it would be seen by people afterward, and he probably got quite a kick out of that. But I still do not believe that was its actual purpose. At all.

In my opinion, I think it was suggested that he write in a journal, from a teacher or his therapist. Notice when his entries (that we have access to) begin. It seems that a therapist is most likely the one to suggest it. It is not to say for certain that he didn't do this of his own volition, or even take inspiration from Dylan telling him that he wrote in one. But in my view at this time, I feel it was something someone else recommended for him to try.

I think it was important for him to release his emotions concerning everything, but there is still a sense of him holding back, even when he is spewing all of the venom we see in the entries. He is still not fully expressing himself. Actually, I do not think he knew how to fully express himself in any way for a plethora of reasons.




I posted this elsewhere, a few years ago. It starts off with discussion of the basement tapes being withheld, but it briefly gets into my views on the journals, and why he wrote as he did (please excuse the massive grammatical errors, I am sure I wrote all of this back then on 3 hours of sleep or something):



Me:

"I’ve heard some people on different conspiracy-esque outlets implying that keeping it a mystery helps them continue to profit from it. That’s not too far fetched when you initially think about it, but I don’t know that I’d fully buy that as a reason.

However, they (JeffCo) DO sell hard copies of different document sets and videos for continuously increasing prices on their own website. I purchased from them in the early/mid 00s, and back then things were substantially cheaper than they are now. It’s quite incredible how high the prices for things have been jacked up since then. Still, though, I don’t know that the conspiracy theorists’ view about keeping it a mystery would make sense: that they’re withholding them to make money, when they could make a massive financial killing in selling the basement tapes.

I still stand by my feeling that they’re in possession of much more than what they’ve discussed. I feel there are multiple tapes, and I feel that there are more journals, and I also strongly believe that the journals we have access to have been massively truncated/edited."



Other user:

"I’ve always wondered about that, esp since there are big gaps in time in them (I think). I mean, I’m sure they didn’t write everyday but still. I think there’s probably more entries out there."



Me:

"Yeah, I think there is definitely more than what they’ve led the public to believe, honestly. They’ve lied so much for so long, I just can’t see how there can’t be more. And, this isn’t some bizarre wishful thinking, they made it seem like there wasn’t much in the first place, and then voila, this huge set of documents comes out in 2006 that contain parts of Dylan and Eric’s journals and other writings."



Me:

"I don’t think they wrote in them all the time. I have noticed some people on messageboards say, like a mantra, that Eric only kept his and wrote in it because he knew it would be found after his death. I don’t doubt that he knew things of his would be found, but that stupid journal was the last thing he was thinking they’d find. He wanted them to find his “Book of ‘God’” (cough). He was getting ready to send copies of that to the media. The reason Eric’s journal entries seem over and/or under exaggerated is because that is how he behaved. He held in and hid so much of who and what he really was. That journal wasn’t some private, honest “release” for him. He probably wanted it to be, but Eric couldn’t deal with who and what he was himself. He had to turn it into everyone else. His observations are pretty accurate about the population at large, but he hated himself more than any of those people, and he internalized that. I know I didn’t ever get to hear his personal intimate conversations with people, but I just feel that it is obvious that he was not as honest with himself, about himself as it may appear. Even when he wrote those supposed final entries, about how he hated how he was mocked and ridiculed and excluded, he’s still holding back. He’s saying it pissed him off and people had to die because of it, he’s not fully saying how deeply painful and emotionally devastating it was to him. He admits it’s part of his issue with his self esteem, but I don’t feel he’s really saying all that he felt. He didn’t have to or anything, but Eric’s journal entries, to me, were not just some “show” for the world at large after his plan and his own death, and they’re also not his pure, raw, innermost feelings, either. He’s holding back because he’d reached such a twisted point emotionally, mentally and spiritually, it was the only way he felt he could protect himself, if that makes any sense. Eric was angry, but deep down he was a tangled, emotional, wounded little boy throwing a perpetual temper tantrum. I know that may be the “mothering” aspect of my being a female, but I don’t buy for a SECOND that that kid wasn’t in impossible emotional and mental pain. It’s no excuse for what he did, but really, I believe he was way more sensitive and emotional than most people seem to think. To me, that implies just how terrified he was about everyone and everything. He had to make devices to do his “bidding” for him, and the only way he’d envision himself personally contributing to this situation was via a gun, from a distance, when people were going to be in a primitive survival mode, fleeing an explosion. "

Yes and no. I have a very complex idea about Eric in general, so it makes sense that it is very much "both" to me..

I have no doubt that most of the ideas and thoughts Eric comes out with in his journal are things that he believes in, or wants to believe in, or are things he used to believe in. I think that he was all over the place with them, of course, but at the same time it feels like he was trying to create coherency for himself through writing them all down. The hypocrisy he notes in himself can also partially be attributed to his evolving ideologies and random mentions of thoughts that eventually lead nowhere. Eric begins the journal at a much later stage than Dylan, and it is interesting to note that his third entry one year prior to the massacre already has him say "when I go NBK". Official research opinionates that Eric "began his journal as a killer", but I am honestly not convinced that this is the case. It seems far more likely to me that he was at war with himself and initially started writing as a means to straighten out his thoughts and convictions. (Possibly, as tfsa47090 suggested, at the recommendation of his therapist.) I think, also, yes, it gradually evolved into a showcase for the rest of the world. I think there were parts in the journal where he amplified himself because he knew how his words would be interpreted. I suspect that he created an audience for himself the more the idea of NBK became reality.

However, I'm currently in the process of dissecting his entries and some other writings to figure out the validity of 'Reb' as Eric's alter ego. There is a very strong argument to be made in favour of this, and it is worrisome at the same time because so much of the available material from his hand could have been influenced as such. There is a clear identification with the moniker of Reb, especially in the privacy of his journal, that even extends to the point where the only mention of Eric as 'Eric' instead of Reb is the last-ever entry -- and it is not a favourable mention whatsoever. (Note: Eric speaks of himself as Reb once in a concerning light -- "that's why my name is Reb!" -- and signs his entries as this twice during the period of time when he was trial-running his medication.) It currently feels as though the character of Reb was everything that Eric was not. He does not speak of himself highly when he's "just Eric" and there are very few phrases that give you a real impression of the hurt and sensitive kid I think he was. Eric put all of his anger, hatred, etc into the Reb-persona, in a sense, and perhaps it was a course of action that once allowed him to be able to exercise control over the thoughts and feelings he was having. He can't work through what is going on with him in a constructive manner and internalised everything so deeply that I doubt he himself knew what was beneath the surface, so we have him pour all of his tangled mess into the only part of himself, the Reb-part, that would be able to externalise instead. It's an action that makes sense, you know, for a boy so hellbent on keeping a tight leash of control on himself. Eric knows as early as back in '98 that he is in trouble with himself and acknowledges it to the point where he actually asks for help. At the same time, he is near-panic about potentially losing everything he feels sets him apart from everyone else. He is terrified of losing his identity and his tiny little foothold in the world that was all he had left after the continuous uprooting that occurred during his childhood, and in this terror of losing himself he builds up a new identity of himself that is essentially fearless and take-charge and screams veiled self-loathing from the rooftops. Everything we see in the journal is one major scramble for control and identity that, yes, leads to the self-proclaimed 'superior man' dictating to the sheep how they should live in both writing and video. Eric is his own worst enemy throughout, though, and it shows in random small flashes of doubt and hurt and regret. It is in those where we see Eric-as-Eric instead of Eric-as-Reb, and the muddled line between the two that created a battlefield in his mind is quite possibly the reason why he, too, opted for a murder/suicide-'solution' in the end.

Thedragonrampant, I love your theory of Reb as an alterego of Eric's, and as a persona that was the vehicle of his own self-hatred, and related only tangentially to the hurting, confused, and self-loathing voiceless boy that was Eric. It makes me wonder, as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

ThoughtBox wrote:

as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

You know what, I often wonder the same. Eric's journal is very interesting, it semms that he is trying to show his thoughts to the world but starting with the feeling if that is exactly what he thought, I also think that he didn't express many of his feelings and that was just writing about what he thought about the world because he was wondering why he eventually started to feel and think all that so he was like trying to look for answers too. And is clear in many of the entries that he is in the battle with himself because sometimes he wrote about death and hate and then he wrote what was probably the reason of why he hated everyone that was how many people excluded him and didn't like him at all showing his sensitive side. And now I am thinking that many times Eric wrote as he was addressing to someone because he wanted to go outside, scream and said to everyone who he really was, what were his ideologies and in general just being Reb and not often the good Eric who was left behind and have good grades and was nice, something that could influenced in his therapies where he could express more all that

ThoughtBox wrote:

It makes me wonder, as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

I must admit to wondering the same thing the further I explore the subject. Right now I'm more concerned about the severity of the dissociation rather than the question if there was a possibility of dissociation present at all. There are quite a few interesting tidbits in the journal and in the rest of the evidence we have access to that would lead me to suggest that Reb was a separate persona as much as he was a part of Eric, but I am not sure as to the extent with which Reb actually had lasting control over the situations at hand. It is likely to me that Eric used Reb as the 'safer outlet' to help him translate the internalised pain into externalised force. I would suggest that Reb began to lead a life of his own as the plans for NBK became more defined and the act of the massacre drew nearer. There is a tentative possibility present that the calm and quiet Eric showcased throughout the massacre was a state of mind provided by the Reb-persona, which wavered and eventually severed entirely as Eric sustained the injury of a broken nose and failed to detonate the bombs. It is also very likely that Eric himself was not in a state where he could be made aware of the effects the creation and empowerment of Reb entailed. (I am thinking about him cycling on and off his medication willfully as a strong contender why he did not 'catch' what was going on.) I would also dare suggest that it was Eric who won the battle in the end if such an internal battle took place at all, because the components of Eric's personality that define and form Reb have no business committing to the act of suicide.

I am still working on the piece that will detail my thoughts in connection with the provided evidence as we speak, but this is a rough summary of what I have gathered so far and am expanding on now. Of course, there is no possible way of knowing for certain if the act of dissociation was indeed a player in what brought Eric to NBK. As with the psychopathy argument, nothing short of multiple conversations with Eric would bring any degree of certainty in the matter. I began to expand the dissociation theory in my head shortly after the other piece I wrote on Eric, in which I clearly saw possibilities that he would be able to create the alternate persona and utilise it as a vehicle through which NBK was made possible. Both of the pieces are my personal best guess at defining Eric, which hopefully provide a well-rounded view on his character as an alternative to the most-used theory concerning the kid.

thedragonrampant wrote:

ThoughtBox wrote:

It makes me wonder, as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

I must admit to wondering the same thing the further I explore the subject. Right now I'm more concerned about the severity of the dissociation rather than the question if there was a possibility of dissociation present at all. There are quite a few interesting tidbits in the journal and in the rest of the evidence we have access to that would lead me to suggest that Reb was a separate persona as much as he was a part of Eric, but I am not sure as to the extent with which Reb actually had lasting control over the situations at hand. It is likely to me that Eric used Reb as the 'safer outlet' to help him translate the internalised pain into externalised force. I would suggest that Reb began to lead a life of his own as the plans for NBK became more defined and the act of the massacre drew nearer. There is a tentative possibility present that the calm and quiet Eric showcased throughout the massacre was a state of mind provided by the Reb-persona, which wavered and eventually severed entirely as Eric sustained the injury of a broken nose and failed to detonate the bombs. It is also very likely that Eric himself was not in a state where he could be made aware of the effects the creation and empowerment of Reb entailed. (I am thinking about him cycling on and off his medication willfully as a strong contender why he did not 'catch' what was going on.) I would also dare suggest that it was Eric who won the battle in the end if such an internal battle took place at all, because the components of Eric's personality that define and form Reb have no business committing to the act of suicide.

I am still working on the piece that will detail my thoughts in connection with the provided evidence as we speak, but this is a rough summary of what I have gathered so far and am expanding on now. Of course, there is no possible way of knowing for certain if the act of dissociation was indeed a player in what brought Eric to NBK. As with the psychopathy argument, nothing short of multiple conversations with Eric would bring any degree of certainty in the matter. I began to expand the dissociation theory in my head shortly after the other piece I wrote on Eric, in which I clearly saw possibilities that he would be able to create the alternate persona and utilise it as a vehicle through which NBK was made possible. Both of the pieces are my personal best guess at defining Eric, which hopefully provide a well-rounded view on his character as an alternative to the most-used theory concerning the kid.

There's an invisible audience to keep in mind when someone writes privately. It may be unconscious or not too obvious but once you put pen to paper, you make a more or less conscious decision to present yourself a certain way. You are also going to appear in a manner that is different from what you intended and from who you really are. For that reason, there's always going to be a split happening between who you are and what you choose to put on paper, Between how you present yourself and how you appear, even if it's in a diary.

Eric had a better idea of his readership in mind when writing because he expected people to find his diary and read what he had to say after he dies. He addresses ''people'' repeatedly in his entries. Eric is constructing a persona in his diary that he may have started on his web page the year before. And that persona is not letting Eric through very much until the last entry plus a few other passages. It's actually quite remarkable, I find, that Eric let on his feelings of powerlessness and on his self-esteem issues in those few entries.

His contradictions could be the clearest way to see the split between Reb and Eric. Once he is describing himself as godlike, then he is saying how much he hates himself. He says how above everybody he is and yet, he has to naturally select himself out of humanity, meaning he is also undeserving of living. He wants to kill everybody, no questions asked and then, wait, there's 5, no wait...10 people worthy of living and he has to turn off his feelings first.

His suicide could have been part of Reb's heroic gesture of not wanting to be caught alive. Maybe it was not the ideal scenario, maybe being shot by police while firing at them would have been more heroic in his idea, but it still seemed like a good warrior's end to Reb as he wrote in his essay on greek tragedy, Medea. He writes: '' no, like some yellow-eyed beast, that has killed its hunters, let me lie down on the hounds bodies and the broken spears. This quote shows that Medea wants to dies fighting, be brave and courageous and not let her hunters take her without a struggle. '' That, according to Eric, is a rare type of person, in ancient Greece as in today’s world. It’s the strong person type. It must be something to aspire to for the Reb, warrior-like persona. So, could his suicide be as much part of Reb's plan as it is Eric's desire to die because he is weak and hates himself? Maybe.

He does seem disassociated to some extent. Not as in a mental disorder necessarily but as a boy who grew up making up fights in forest, sacrificing himself in battle for his best friend Kris, killing monsters in Doom (his real life, he wrote in an essay) and just having overall a terrific imagination, always in gears, one of his means of escape from reality. No wonder he came up with Reb. His make-believe worlds always allowed him to be more than just Eric, weird kid Eric.

I can't wait to read your piece on this subject, thedragonrampant.

JayJay wrote:

There's an invisible audience to keep in mind when someone writes privately. It may be unconscious or not too obvious but once you put pen to paper, you make a more or less conscious decision to present yourself a certain way. You are also going to appear in a manner that is different from what you intended and from who you really are. For that reason, there's always going to be a split happening between who you are and what you choose to put on paper, Between how you present yourself and how you appear, even if it's in a diary.

Eric had a better idea of his readership in mind when writing because he expected people to find his diary and read what he had to say after he dies. He addresses ''people'' repeatedly in his entries. Eric is constructing a persona in his diary that he may have started on his web page the year before. And that persona is not letting Eric through very much until the last entry plus a few other passages. It's actually quite remarkable, I find, that Eric let on his feelings of powerlessness and on his self-esteem issues in those few entries.

His contradictions could be the clearest way to see the split between Reb and Eric. Once he is describing himself as godlike, then he is saying how much he hates himself. He says how above everybody he is and yet, he has to naturally select himself out of humanity, meaning he is also undeserving of living. He wants to kill everybody, no questions asked and then, wait, there's 5, no wait...10 people worthy of living and he has to turn off his feelings first.

His suicide could have been part of Reb's heroic gesture of not wanting to be caught alive. Maybe it was not the ideal scenario, maybe being shot by police while firing at them would have been more heroic in his idea, but it still seemed like a good warrior's end to Reb as he wrote in his essay on greek tragedy, Medea. He writes: '' no, like some yellow-eyed beast, that has killed its hunters, let me lie down on the hounds bodies and the broken spears. This quote shows that Medea wants to dies fighting, be brave and courageous and not let her hunters take her without a struggle. '' That, according to Eric, is a rare type of person, in ancient Greece as in today’s world. It’s the strong person type. It must be something to aspire to for the Reb, warrior-like persona. So, could his suicide be as much part of Reb's plan as it is Eric's desire to die because he is weak and hates himself? Maybe.

Very good post! Thanks for pointing out Eric's essay; I hadn't previously encountered it.

ThoughtBox wrote:

Thedragonrampant, I love your theory of Reb as an alterego of Eric's, and as a persona that was the vehicle of his own self-hatred, and related only tangentially to the hurting, confused, and self-loathing voiceless boy that was Eric. It makes me wonder, as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

I think this is probably true. We know that exposure to trauma can create a dissociative disorder in an individual. It begs the question: was Eric's pathology the result of additional trauma or abuse that is not widely understood? Is it probable (or likely) that Eric was beginning to develop a "split personality" as a defense against school-abuse and bullying? Or was there more abuse happening to him than we know about?

gustopoet wrote:

ThoughtBox wrote:

Thedragonrampant, I love your theory of Reb as an alterego of Eric's, and as a persona that was the vehicle of his own self-hatred, and related only tangentially to the hurting, confused, and self-loathing voiceless boy that was Eric. It makes me wonder, as a psychologist, if Eric had some dissociative disorder and if there really was an internal battle between Reb and Eric which was ultimately won by the former personality.

I think this is probably true. We know that exposure to trauma can create a dissociative disorder in an individual. It begs the question: was Eric's pathology the result of additional trauma or abuse that is not widely understood? Is it probable (or likely) that Eric was beginning to develop a "split personality" as a defense against school-abuse and bullying? Or was there more abuse happening to him than we know about?

 

Interesting thought. You are absolutely right about the effect of trauma. This is especially true in terms of sexual abuse. I am NOT suggesting Eric was sexually abused by Mr. Harris (or anyone else for that matter), but I wouldn't put it past the elder Harris as having possibly been physically abusive of Eric, though, obviously, we have no corroborating evidence of that. It could in part, be reflective of his peripatetic upbringing as a child, and never being able to put roots down anywhere and make real long-lasting friends... this is something that Eric bitched about quite a bit, and seems to be one of the real problems he faced in his life besides the aspect of bullying which I believe, at least, was more profound and hurtful to him, then it was to Dylan.

ThoughtBox wrote:

Interesting thought. You are absolutely right about the effect of trauma. This is especially true in terms of sexual abuse. I am NOT suggesting Eric was sexually abused by Mr. Harris (or anyone else for that matter), but I wouldn't put it past the elder Harris as having possibly been physically abusive of Eric, though, obviously, we have no corroborating evidence of that.  It could in part, be reflective of his peripatetic upbringing as a child, and never being able to put roots down anywhere and make real long-lasting friends... this is something that Eric bitched about quite a bit, and seems to be one of the real problems he faced in his life besides the aspect of bullying which I believe, at least, was more profound and hurtful to him, then it was to Dylan.

Yes, your post is very much along the lines of my own thoughts. Whether or not he was sexually or physically abused at home, the potential for such abuse is magnified in a family that moves around a lot. How many day-cares, baby-sitters, teachers, and other potential abusers did Eric encounter along the way? Perhaps none. But the question is still a valid one. Likewise with the infamous "Walsh buttrape" allegations that I've seen floating around. There is actually a police file with a report written in Eric's own hand that many people believe supports the idea that Tim Walsh, the Jeffco deputy who arrested Eric and Dylan, raped Eric during that encounter.

thedragonrampant wrote:

I am still working on the piece that will detail my thoughts in connection with the provided evidence as we speak, but this is a rough summary of what I have gathered so far and am expanding on now.

I hope this piece is progressing well, thedragonrampant. Look forward to reading it.

gustopoet wrote:

There is actually a police file with a report written in Eric's own hand that many people believe supports the idea that Tim Walsh, the Jeffco deputy who arrested Eric and Dylan, raped Eric during that encounter.

Do you mean this thing? I apologize for it's small size.
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I've found it on tumblr some time ago and the original poster claimed that there is written "i was abused by deputy walsh", but if you actually read it then it says “i was advised by deputy walsh to check the area for a van that was illegally entered…”

Lane_A wrote:

gustopoet wrote:

There is actually a police file with a report written in Eric's own hand that many people believe supports the idea that Tim Walsh, the Jeffco deputy who arrested Eric and Dylan, raped Eric during that encounter.

     

Do you mean this thing? I apologize for it's small size.
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I've found it on tumblr some time ago and the original poster claimed that there is written "i was abused by deputy walsh", but if you actually read it then it says “i was advised by deputy walsh to check the area for a van that was illegally entered…”

Maybe you can read it better in this photo?

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Lane_A wrote:

Do you mean this thing?

No, I'd not seen that previously. Thanks. I meant this:

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Here is the explanation:

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sororityalpha wrote:

Here is the explanation:

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If someone sees something significant and related to rape in the crime scene drawing by Eric, I'd like to know. We see the position of the van, their cars and some other car. What's in the middle? Are these cows in a field?

That website/blog referenced above about the rape allegations seem to have some things wrong. The author says it's Eric who said that his ''revenge for January's incident will be godlike'', when in fact, it was Dylan who wrote that in Eric's yearbook. Maybe because the writing material was not published yet at the time of the blog entry? (7 years after the shooting).

Stranger are the allegations that Eric's medications caused violence. But we know that he started his rantings on his website back in 1997, months before he started taking meds. And what about Dylan? Does St.John's Worth herbs cause an increase in violent thoughts too?

The blog implies that something terrible happened on January 30th 1998, even beyond the van break-in that would account for the ''horrible transformation that took place in 14 months''. Why does it have to be Eric's rape, though? Being arrested for the van was bad enough for both E & D and may have been a sufficient reason (one of the reasons, anyway) to go on a rampage. Enough reason to want to shoot at cops. Or just because, it seemed ''fun'' and rebellious to do so.

Of course, I'd be interested in knowing what evidence there might be of a sexual assault the night of the van break-in. I think if it had been anywhere in unreleased material and Eric's parents had heard or read that, we would know. It sounds like something they would seek justice against and that could have served as an explanation into their child's behaviour. If Dylan hints at such a thing as rape in the basement tapes, we would also have heard it from the very vocal Browns who have seen the tapes.

Now, if the two expert witnesses, Dietz and March, hired by the pharmaceutical company had real, important scientific evidence for the motives of the shooting, that'd be interesting to know what their conclusions were. If it's any different than what has come out yet, that is. Same thing for the Nixon tape. If there's some terrible confession from Eric about what happened the night of the 30th and nobody but the police heard it, then we will probably never get to hear that tape.

But so far the evidence of a rape is slim.

JayJay wrote:

But so far the evidence of a rape is slim.

What evidence would there be other than witness testimony and documents? If Eric and Dylan mentioned the incident in the BT (we know they mentioned Walsh) that's been swept up right along with whatever else Jeffco might have documented about the case etc.

If I have time, I'll try to put together a coherent summary of the "buttrape" allegations. There are other pieces of circumstantial evidence, but obviously,as you indicate, there's no "smoking gun" and if there is one, it's being well-hidden by the powers that be.

sororityalpha wrote:

Here is the explanation:

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I think I see what the thread is saying, but it isn't very convincing. Anyone could make a post and say they are the origin of the "buttrape" file. This file was shown on the 60 Minutes program as originating with the police, so just who is it that is saying they are the origin of the file and why should we believe it?