We must sound awful to people who were there

Recently, I've written some things that are supportive of the two boys. I tend to intellectualize things so much that I forget that there is an actual human element involved. The things that I've said must sound awful to the people who suffered at the hands of Eric and Dylan.

So, to anyone who reads something like "I have a pro-Eric bias" and thinks, "Jesus Christ, this kid murdered people, and this guy is saying that he has a bias in favor of him?", I must say that I'm sorry.

There are times when I am truly ambivalent about my involvement on this board. I feel awful about it sometimes. These kids were murderers who destroyed so many lives and damaged so many others.

But I'm not about to quit...

And, truthfully, there is some vanity involved in this. I am torn between a) my honest feelings that both boys could have been saved, and my dismay that they were not and b) my desire not to sound like a mentally-ill fanboy.

I don't have a mancrush on Eric and/or Dylan. I've made an emotional investment in both of them - Eric more than Dylan, as you can imagine. But I will never defend their actions on 4/20. What they did was wrong. I do not believe that evil is too strong a word to describe their actions at the school on that day.

Adam Lanza was a member of the old board. When I first learned that fact, it freaked me out completely. It made me wish I'd never joined the board, that I'd never had anything to do with anything relating to Columbine or school shootings or spree killings.

But then I remembered all of the conversations I'd had with people who'd told me about their problems. (Lord knows that I'd talked at length about my own problems.) A few people told me that they had been planning to kill themselves, but that being able to talk to someone had given them the strength to go on living.

So I decided that, in the end, these types of boards do more good than harm. That was how I could justify my continued participation.

But it still bugs me that there might be someone reading my words right now who, one day, might go and shoot up a school, or a shopping mall, or a government building.

I do not want anyone to think for one minute that I am condoning Eric and Dylan's actions, or that, on an emotional level, I find their crimes anything other than morally reprehensible.

Intellectually, I do find the two boys and their crimes (the one they planned and the one they committed) fascinating. I was not lying when I said that I get a kick, and even a sick thrill, out of wondering what it was like for Eric and Dylan to share this incredible secret with one another.

But I don't want to give encouragement to anyone who might be thinking of doing something like what they did.

I have personalized my anti-Cullen crusade to an unhealthy degree. I often wonder whether he ever reads my posts on this board. I hope that he does. (I would bet good money that he lurks from time to time.)

Cullen has said that he has "helpers" who monitor this board. He also told me once - in the only e-mail that he ever sent me - that people like me can reach right through the computer and *hurt* him. (He's extremely sensitive to criticism.)

I have no desire to hurt him, but I do have a strong desire to prompt him to re-evaluate his stance on the massacre and to question the unseemly way in which he has promoted himself and his book in the past. I believe that he is, essentially, a ridiculous figure, worthy of derision. (His "Columbine for Christmas!" tweets were truly cringeworthy, as were his drunken YouTube videos.)

Sometimes I worry that, when I talk about my life, I am giving him and his supporters ammunition to use against me - they can read my words and say, "LPorter is a mentally-ill nutjob who has a hard-on for Eric. He has no credibility." Lord knows that if Cullen were to admit having been diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder, I would use that bit of information against him.

My dislike for Cullen is honest. (You don't spend seven years relentlessly whacking away at someone's reputation if you *like* that person.) I don't hate him - hate is a strong word - but I do believe that he is a two-bit hack who made his name by dumping a bunch of bullshit into the public discourse on Columbine. I would be happier if he had never published his book. The best thing he can do is to keep his mouth shut. But I don't imagine that he will.

So neither shall I.

@LPorter,
Cullen says that criticism from his critics hurts him, but he certainly doesn't mind hurting them in return.
If you have seen the things he has said back to critics or about us, it's not inaccurate at all to use the term "outright nastiness."

I think it's completely fair & reasonable to commiserate with E&D in a sense for what they went through & experienced, yet still recognize that NBK was flat out wrong.

I've slowly gone from severe angst towards them to separating the events from 4/20 & feeling empathy for them as to how they got to the mass murder.

Even if it's true that Eric was born bad etc.. I feel bad that he "drew that card" in life, in that case it could have been any one of us.

It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks about your beliefs as long as you are honest and true to yourself. We're all in this shitty horrible world, one day at a time trying to make it through to the next the best we can. Trying to understand.